The news in brief 31st July 2015

The news in brief:

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The news in brief 30th July 2015

The news in brief:

Newspaper wants to know why we’re not mad about the millions of ugly animals we kill everyday

Lion clearly more popular than millions of displaced, war-weary human beings

Old lady advocates lynch-mob justice

Whoever said ‘there’s no such thing as bad publicity’ obviously never heard of Twitter

Celebrities hop on convenient band wagon

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Study states the obvious: supermarket own labels cheaper than big name brands

Remember: a woman has the right to wear anything she wants on her body (unless other women don’t approve of it, then they’re wrong and they’re not smart enough to make their own choices and they’ve got to conform…!)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Your city is probably shit

Economy still pretty terrible

Technology makes people think less good

People fucking hate robot checkouts

Pandas are dirty benefit cheats

No shit: sugar tastes sweet

Humans too stupid to text and walk

Kale will kill us all!

False widows are back (and will probably kill us all)

Pro tip: hysterectomies are not an oral procedure

Newspaper wheels out meme from 1994

Nudes in brief: Joanna Krupa

And finally: newspaper doesn’t quite get how physics works

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The news in brief 29th July 2015

The news in brief:

Once again, the Summary Squirrel gets to the heart of what really matters

The news in brief 28th July 2015

The news in brief:

Peer re-enacts 'bitches leave' scene from Robocop

Childhood fear of escalators tragically legitimate

Wills apparently not worth the paper they're written on

Seagulls probably not planning new World War

Exclusive news: person voices opinion without understand article

Logical suggestion met with hysteria

New initiative is a total cop out

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Giant vigilante dishes our carpark justice

Shape-shaming media literally never happy

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Study states the obvious: building Skynet might be a bad idea

Newspaper shoe-horns you-know-who into potential murder investigation

Club bans institutionalised homophobia (and it’s about fucking time too)

Breaking news: technology was shit in the past

Beware of black market Ribena

Economy a bit less shit (but still quite shit)

Study reveals that mosquitoes are basically cunts

Dentistry's inhumanity to lions continues apace

Judge clearly has some shady mates

The news in brief's editor wants to know where all this catcalling is going on

Nudes in brief: Holly Hagan 

And finally: France gets a little bit 'Mockingjay Part II' 

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The news in brief 26th July 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

As the world continues to fall apart at the seems and the seagulls prepare to enslave mankind, let’s see what celerity horseshit the tabloids are distracting us with…

Breaking news: sports star doesn’t win all the time  

Some people we’ve never heard of get hitched

Woman wears beachwear to the beach

Paparazzi intrudes on family holiday

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

The story’s about a celebrity on the beach, but we’re more interested in the fact that the inflatable’s clearly a shark and not a dolphin. It’s just lazy journalism really.

Photographer intrudes on private moment

Stop the press: couple hold hands in public

Minor wardrobe malfunction

Woman *almost* has a wardrobe malfunction. How is this news?!

Once again, we find ourselves wondering if every celebrity woman has a dedicated photographer following them around in case the wind catches their skirt

Family bust-up somehow our business

Woman wears dress

Pro tip: following around and taking a picture of someone else’s kid is pretty fucking weird.

Wild speculation

Woman looks quite tired late at night…

Side boob

Scandal: man caught yawning

Nudes in brief: Rachel Weisz  

And finally: we also pretty sure sharing the racy pictures a 17 year-old posts of herself is pretty fucking weird…

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The news in brief 24th July 2015

The news in brief:

Pro tip: mega successful businessman probably knows what he’s doing

Study states the obvious: people are happier if you don’t treat them like shit

Diesel cheaper than petrol?! When did we move the mirror universe?

Turns out guns do kill people

Lions don’t give a shit about right of way

Prince has more money than you

Stupidity apparently knows no limits

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Ducks aren’t too clear about rules of the road either

Remember kids: body-shaming is totally okay if the victim is a dude

Bland poem inexplicably popular

Spare me this mockery of justice!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Is your air conditioning sexist?

Man’s inhumanity to whales continues apace

Phallic pink object probably not a sex toy (and even if it were, who gives a shit?)

General public are bloodthirsty cunts

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch obviously hadn’t been in the news for a while

Man’s inhumanity to chimpanzees continues apace

There’s a word for alternatives medicines that work. They’re called medicines.

AI has pretty nice handwriting

Science unleashes immortal worms!

Nudes in brief: Natalie Imbruglia

And finally: sexy mannequin not ‘official signage…’

  

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The news in brief 23rd July 2015

The news in brief:

Breaking news: two-year-old exhibits ‘normal, toddler-like behaviour’

Garage forecourts might have their signs upside down   

Pro-tip: you arrest sex offenders when you have the chance

Country for sale (it’s not Greece)

Priest has sticky fingers

Internet loses its shit over film posters

Product placement still isn’t news though

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

MP answers the question…

Pepper suddenly popular

Study a bit one-sided

Kepler 452b looks like a nice place to visit

                                          

Number of really stupid decisions on the rise

Minor spat escalated quickly

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Newspaper forgets to be impartial

Common sense wins rare victory

Misleading headline

Public service announcement: you can be right without being a dick

Parent outraged when rules applied to her too  

Eamonn Holmes ‘pulls a Turnbull…’ 

Hypocritical bullshit

Nudes in brief: Myleene Klass (still)

And finally: grandparents are totally cooler than you…

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The news in brief 22nd July 2015:

The news in brief:

Study states the obvious:

The news in brief 21st July 2015

The news in brief:

Breaking news: child has birthday 365 days after the last one…

Ingenuity and common sense are not always the same thing

Woman totally pulls a Ben Kenobi (from a certain point of view…)

UK is totally cool with unpaid overtime

Grey smear probably not aliens

Business has a pretty bad day

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!

Man pretty fucking good at boardgame

Man entitled to his opinion (even if he’s a twat about it)

Six million dollar man plans to watch the footie

Forget Skynet, it’s the humans you gotta watch out for…

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Pro tip: adultery isn’t illegal. But hacking is…

Product placement still isn’t news!

Business is better at Facebook than you

Study states the obvious: fresh air and exercise are good for you

99 year-old probably not pregnant

Turns out women are people too

Straight people continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage  

No shit: drug barons have more money than you

Shape-shaming is NOT news

Upon reflection both parties are unutterable bell-ends

Nudes in brief: Tamara Ecclestone

And finally: Move over Phillip Schofield: Bill Turnbull is The news in brief’s new hero! 

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The news in brief 20th July 2015

The news in brief:

Common sense u-turn

Hawking is going alien hunting

Man vs shark

Man tries to have his cake and eat it

Science wins epic battle against HIV

Product placement masquerading as news

Study states the obvious: too much TV is bad for kids

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Pro tip: you’re meant to use common sense when following a sat-nav

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Policeman is pretty fucking awesome

Terrifying air-traffic control nightmare

Internet full of intolerant cunts

It is sad, but doctors aren’t actually psychic

Rich people have more money than you…

Driver is a stupid, insane mentalist

Student is pretty fucking awesome

Book is pretty fucking popular

Terrorist employ suicide chickens

Local council is full of shit

What sort of irresponsible bell-end gives his child a red hot chilli pepper? (The news in brief in no way secretly approves…)

Hospital food is pretty poor

The nudes in brief: Myleene Klass  

And finally: stealth sheds are apparently a thing now…

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The news in brief 19th July 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Eighty-year-old private moment misrepresented by mass media

Long-lens invasion of privacy

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Consenting adult’s sex life mysteriously our business

Woman wears dress

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

We still think it’s weird that there’s a market for ‘photos of famous people’s kids’

Pro tip: it’s probably not ‘flaunting’ if you need a zoom lens to see it

Athlete is unsurprisingly athletic

A man’s dead? Better roll out some pictures of women in bikini’s    

Newspaper thinks woman looks too thin (exactly how do you win?)

Side boob

Breaking news: parent teaches child how to do shit

Celebrity woman caught wearing comfortable clothes

Man uses airport

Woman photographed on her way to work (is this not just stalking?)

Man rides bike

Stop the press: woman goes outside

Woman pops to the off-license after the gym

Woman updates social media

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Newspaper has opinions about woman’s arse

Selfies are NOT news

Nudes in brief: Richard Madeley

And finally: family goes for a walk

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The news in brief 17th July 2015

The news in brief:

After a disproportionate amount of Squirrel-related news yesterday, it’s probably best not to canvas you-know-who for his ill-tempered, half-drunk opinions…

Scaremongering click-bait

Journalist plagiarises Wikipedia

Scientists have woken up Skynet (possibly)

Airport going cheap…

Some people have a lot of time on their hands

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

We’re predictably shit at cricket

School makes common-sense decision   

Public apparently allergic to common-sense

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Terrorist makes common sense decision

Pro tip: seagulls not actually capable of moral judgement

Apparently it’s a slow news day because ‘there’s some funny shit on the Internet,’ really isn’t news

People drive like twats

Surprise at statistically probably outcome

C3-PO is fluent in over 6 millions forms of communication. But not sexy talk.

Study states the obvious: too much chocolate is bad for you    

Misleading photo placement

Everything in your house will kill you!    

Nazi gold probably isn’t cursed  

Weird science!

Nudes in brief: Jesse Metcalfe

And finally: it’s not always time to take a selfie

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The news in brief 16th July 2015

The news in brief:

Lines still somewhat blurred (everybody shut up)

Mad suggestion that sick people should be treated like people

Duke continues his mission to offend everyone

Just how many meals went un-photographed?

Seagulls will kill us all!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Mystery dildos

Teenage mutant ninja crocodiles

Siri probably isn’t Skynet

The Summary Squirrel isn’t happy with the thought of paying to watch Doctor Who

Newspaper reveals what 10 year-olds have known since 1993…

People act like cunts on the Internet

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount  

Giant Hogweed strikes again

Public wants to have its cake and eat it

Pro tip: objectifying a woman isn’t actually news

Study states the obvious: sleep is good for you

Drunk squirrel fucks up private members club (don’t worry, it wasn’t ours…)

Woman suggests people should be nice to each other

Public service announcement: don’t twat and drive

Harmless fish!

Conspiracy theorists have best day ever

Robots want you to look fabulous

Loch Ness Monster ‘probably bullshit’

Nudes in brief: Natasha Oakley

And finally: Stalker squirrel gets arrested (don’t worry, it wasn’t ours…)

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The news in brief 15th July 2015

The news in brief: 

The Summary Squirrel has been up all night trying to make sense of the week's big stories. Here's what he came up with:

The news in brief 14th July 2015

The news in brief:

Outrage: nation suggests treating illness *before* it’s too late

Shock: nation suggests that we should protect children *before* they’re harmed

Space is pretty fucking awesome

Terrorists determined to ruin your summer holidays

Religion’s bodycount continues to count

Security guard did what to a breast feeding baby?!

Retail giant’s evidence says otherwise (we can’t wait to see how this one pans out!)

Institutionalised homophobia creates nation of dickheads

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspaper misrepresents chronic illness to sell papers

General public are judgemental twats

Bureaucracy over common sense claims another life

Lesbian couple suggests that there’s nothing wrong with two girls kissing

Council suggests that any two people going at it like a Face Hugger and John Hurt is a bit much when there’s kids about (we can’t wait to see how this one pans out either!)

Public service announcement: don’t fuck and drive

Quick question: when exactly did brutal assault become ‘bullying?’

Foxes totally owe Scotland one…

Giant hogweed will kill us all!  

Magic flower will save us all!

Mad suggestion that music magazine should be about music (and not boobies)

First world problem: outrage as new technology isn’t everywhere on release date…

Nudes in brief: Eva Longoria    

And finally: man is way better at LEGO than you

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The news in brief 13th July 2015

We’re back everybody! Sorry about the Squirrel.

The news in brief:

Mad suggestion that big businesses might not all be lying

Man is pretty fucking strong

Whole country wants to have its cake and eat it

People have strong feelings about tea (see what we did there…?)

Pro tip: Pluto isn’t actually a planet

Religion’s bodycount continue to mount

‘Shawshank’ is still not a verb

America’s Number 1 loud mouth is at it again

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Extreme selfies are extreme

Cry me a river: rules apply to everyone

Scorpions will kill us all!

Breaking news: lion exhibits normal lion behaviour

Just so you know – buildings and vehicles get destroyed. Babies get killed. How about you don’t dehumanise human suffering to sell papers? Assholes.  

Police may have been a little heavy-handed

Teenager is hell-ass smart

Footballer is hell-ass rich

Houses are fucking expensive

Turns out counterfeiting is harder than it looks

New film might be pretty tasteless

Public safety announcement: don’t wank and drive

New app is pretty fucking depressing. And entirely misses the point…

Nudes in brief: Lady Gaga

And finally: anonymous hero rescues stranded bridesmaids

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The news in brief 12th July 2015

The news in brief: 

The last day of the Summary Squirrel's guest week, and just like we always do do, he's going to give us an in-depth analysis of the shit-stirring, speculative, misogynistic, lowest-common-denominator horseshit that masquerades as 'celebrity' 'news...'

Back to normal next week. The Summary Squirrel will be squished under a Wellington boot back on Wednesday with his usual analysis of the week's most important issues. 

Pay attention to this shit on Facebook

The news in brief 10th July 2015

The news in brief: 

Day 5 of the Summary Squirrel's guest week, and he's come up with a solution for the UK's economic woes (and Greece's and China's.) This oughta be good...:

The news in brief 9th July 2015

The news in brief: 

It's day four of the Summary Squirrel's guest week, and unfortunately he's caught up in the chaos in London thanks to the tube strike. Commuting is hard enough when you're only half-an-inch tall.
To keep you all from noticing, here's a Distraction Fraction:

The news in brief 8th July 2015

The news in brief:

Continuing with our week of guest posts from the Summary Squirrel; here is his in-depth commentary about today's budget announcements:

The news in brief 7th July 2015

The news in brief:

Sorry about the lack of update last night. We guess this is what happens when you leave blogging to an invertebrate...

The news in brief 6th July 2015

The news in brief:

Due to other commitments, The news in brief is taking a short break and we'll be back next week, but don't worry - the Summary Squirrel is totally guest spotting for us and he'll be keeping you up-to-date with the most important issues, and stuff about lettuce, I suppose...

The news in brief 5th July 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Child gets christened

People look quite perky at family gathering

Photographer takes pictures of a two year old

Two outfits are a little bit similar

Woman wears dress

Woman wears hat

Wild speculation about family dynamics

Breaking news: friends’ kids spend time together

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman updates social media

Newspaper likes woman’s clothes. Man’s clothes not worthy of comment

Couple caught holding hands in public!

Stop the press: people wear loose fitting clothes during heat wave

Woman pops to the shops (and has her body appraised by a national newspaper, and her photograph taken by a photographer with a long lens shared on the Internet, and just for good measure they take a picture of her ten-year old daughter as well. How exactly is this in the public interest?!)

Paparazzi intrudes on perfectly unremarkable family gathering

Woman wears bikini

“Woman shows off her petit figure” more like “Woman goes outside dressed for the heat”  

Wardrobe malfunction (do people just follow celebrity woman around with cameras poised just in case an errant gust of wind accidently flashes a bit of knicker…?)

Just putting it out there, but taking a picture of two people you don’t know kissing is actually a little bit weird…

Nudes in brief: Ryan Seacrest’s girlfriend… she does actually have a name, but apparently it’s not worth including in the headline

Diana Watch 2015: christening inexplicably twisted back to Diana

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The news in brief 3rd July 2015

The news in brief:

Study states the obvious: you’re getting old

Britain still having trouble with the French connection

Medieval morality still treats women like shit

Church surprises no-one

Your kindergarten wants to know what now?!

Budget will save us all!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Pro tip: you can be right without being a cunt about it

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Product placement is still not news

Spider armada!

Advert is hilariously offensive (or is it offensively hilarious?)

Nothing solves a problem quite like victim blaming

Parents forget how to parent

Police might have been a little bit racist

Mad suggestion people should be paid enough to pay their bills

Political correctness gone mad

Bureaucracy: 1, Common sense: 0 

Economy still pretty shit.

Budget will kill us all!

Breaking news: it’s fucking hot out

Nudes in brief: obligatory shots of young women in bikinis to demonstrate that it’s fucking hot out. 

And finally: couple married for 75 years die in each other’s arms

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The news in brief 2nd July 2015

The news in brief:

In what is fast becoming a terribly rant-y week, The news in brief would like to clear up a misunderstanding.

Feminism is the sincere belief that men and women are equals and should be treated as such.

It does NOT mean that we must always modify our behaviour towards women to match the behaviour we demonstrate towards men.

When the men’s World Cup football team loses, we imply that the squad are over-paid, over-sexed, club-footed Neanderthals who don’t know Maradona from a meatball marinara or the offside rule from offsite parking. We slate them in the news and we abuse them on social media.

Yet when our women’s World Cup football team loses, we offer outpourings of sympathy and our heartfelt condolences for our defeated lionesses. Is this sexist? Maybe it is, but it’s certainly not our behaviour towards our female players that needs to change.

Because we’ve been ignoring them long enough.

In other news:

Terrible sandwich is terrible

Won’t somebody think of the terrorists?!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Theme park is having a pretty shitty time

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspaper exploits man’s tragic death in an industrial accident to spread fear-mongering bullshit

Study states the obvious: there sure is a lot of porn on that Internet

Attack of the terrifying small fluffy animal

Fracking will kill us all!

Nudes in brief: Pixie Lott

And finally: if the wind so much as blows over a tree down London way, it’s front page news. When hailstones the size of tennis balls smash up cars, windows and conservatories and lightning destroys a house here in the North East, the media doesn’t give a flying fuck…  

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The news in brief 1st July 2015

The news in brief:

The Summary Squirrel sums up the day’s most burning issue: