The news in brief 31st May 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman’s privacy violated

Woman’s clothes judged

Bodyshaming is apparently news now

Man updates social media

Publishing photographs of people’s kids is still pretty weird

Photographer intrudes on family day out

Parent caught parenting

Cleavage is NOT news

Enrique Iglesias: 1, killer drone: 0

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Wild speculation

Consenting adults caught spending time together

Taking pictures of a minor handing out with their boyfriend is pretty fucking weird too

Stop the press: man caught yawning!

Paparazzi catch family walking

Woman wears clothes appropriate for the weather

Breaking news: woman’s top doesn’t quite touch her waistband

Newspaper has feelings about woman’s hair

Woman wears dress

Media tells women what to wear

Woman wears bikini

Shock: an actual example of a woman ‘showing off her baby bump.’

Nudes in brief: Amber Rose

And finally: is it actually someone’s job to sit at the airport and photograph famous people getting off ‘planes?

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 29th May 2015

The new in brief:

We thought it was high time we did a post about the FIFA scandal. The only problem is, we don’t know the first thing about football, or sport at all for that matter, so we’ve been dodging this for a few days. But we do understand money, greed, corruption and conspiracy, but the more and more we read, the more and more convoluted the whole thing became. So, instead of battering our heads we decided to let the Summary Snail sum things up instead:  

The news in brief 28th May 2015

The news in brief:

Normally we do a Throwback Thursday on, well, Thursday, because it gives us the night off to watch Criminal Minds, drink tea and play scrabble – such is the rock and roll lifestyle here at The news in brief. However, before we get down to that, we need to share the greatest and best news story in the world ever: J K Rowling, author of The Casual Vacancy, as well as some other less successful Young Adult fantasy works, has dropped the mic at the feet of the Westborough Baptist Church in what is sure to be the greatest rap battle of all time.

And now, on with that Throwback thing:

The news in brief 28th May 2014:

Cynicism increases chances of dementia - The news in brief team somewhat concerned

Psychic Vampires are apparently a thing now

You can fix anything with lasers

Arsehole law continues to treat human beings like shit

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: parents should set a good example to their kids

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Newsflash: cigarettes are bad for you

UK still a nation of fatties 

Watching too much pornography makes men think less good

People stop watching shit TV show

Nudes in brief: Scout Willis

Russia/Ukraine situation still ‘very hairy’

PM suggests stoning people to death is a ‘Very Bad Idea’

Medieval morality’s bodycount continues to mount

Thousands gather for decent human being’s funeral

Technical fault leads to incurable case of vertigo

Secret-keepers decide the public can have the gist of the truth

Lying filthy fuck-face found guilty of being a dirty lying fuck-faced bell-end

Customer services tells it like it is

North Korea ‘not as shit as you think’

Aliens probably not invading Solihull

French master the art of back-heeling

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 27th May 2015

The news in brief:

Public service announcement: daring each other to chug paracetemol is really, really fucking stupid

Woman does the job we pay her for

Britain enjoys a bit of pomp and ceremony

Internet breaths a sigh of relied as PM doesn’t declare Great Britain the first Galactic Empire (Still no word on that wiping out the Jedi thing though…)

‘Soul-sucking dementor wasps’ need to fire their PR guy

Breaking news: app not to blame for your irresponsibility

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Turns out ‘a magical sky-wizard did it’ isn’t a science

Study states the obvious: vegetables are good for you

Bus breaks shit record

Religions bodycount continues to mount

FIFA execs in a bit of bother

Apparently gross-misconduct isn’t a sackable offence

Minor administration error inexplicably newsworthy

Ironic product placement is not news

Pizza fixes everything

Killer robots will rule the world

Apparently all men are rapists and are just waiting for the opportunity to strike

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch can dish it out but she can’t take it…

Science is fucking awesome: herpes will save us all!

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus (again)

And finally: salmon cannons are apparently a thing now

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 26th May 2015

The news in brief:

Republic of Ireland suggests that freedom is the right of all sentient beings – not just the straight ones

UK sucks at Eurovision

Woman is unbelievable bitch

U.S. / China relations downgraded from ‘amiable’ to ‘somewhat hairy’

Coffee will kill us all

Study states the obvious: water is good for you

Internet has opinions about woman’s life choices

PETA apparently has nothing better to do

Kids are dabbling with the occult (well, it’s better than drugs we suppose…)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

How many ‘shit winter-wonderland’ stories do we need before people take the hint?

First world problems

Politician tells it like it is

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Sky farms will save us all!

Noise pollution will kill us all!

Crazy dictatorship shenanigans

Global economy is pretty fucked

Meanwhile, country unveils giant gold statue of its god-like leader

Remember kids – if you touch your junk, your hand will get pregnant (in the afterlife)

Atheist can be fanatical twats too

Nudes in brief: Rosie Fortescue

And finally: Taylor Swift may or may not be She-Ra

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 15th May 2015

We always end the week with a look at the celebrity bullshit that somehow passes for news. The sharp-eyed amongst you will notice that it’s not Sunday today, but that’s because The news in brief is taking a well-deserved break for a few days. Basically, we’ll be back on Tuesday the 26^th May 2015, and until then, you’ll have to read your own goddamned news.

The news in brief 15^th May 2015:

Yeah, we know it’s the 16^th today, but we totally dropped the ball last night.  

Family spends time together

Woman updates social media

Woman wears nice clothes on plane

Woman wears dress

Cleavage is not news

Perving over a minor is somehow news

Breaking news: couple spends time together

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Stop the press: wind ruffles woman’s clothes

Telephoto lens strikes again

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Celebrity woman pops to the shops

Woman has legs

Look, it’s really not okay to body shame guys either

Grown woman insults vulnerable child

Actress dresses appropriately for the weather

Dad caught spending time with child

Actress has the sheer audacity to go outside without wearing make-up

Outrage: woman wears comfortable clothes

Nudes in brief: Paris Hilton

And finally: Actress doesn’t look like character she plays 24/7

Reading what could generously be referred to as ‘news’ so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 14th May 2015

As we try not to over-react to old family names on street signs and Freudian slips on the BBC, let’s cast our minds back to the 14^th May 2014. It was a different time – Accrington still hadn’t rejoined the United Kingdom after its abortive attempt at independence, and the cuttlefish was still the official currency.

The news in brief:

Film not very good

Nerds are ever satisfied

Man doesn’t learn from all the ‘don’t be a cunt on the Internet’ stories

News outlet engages in a bit of cyberbullying

Blurry shape in the sky probably not aliens (but there sure are a lot of these stories at the minute)

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Not all human beings are despicable thunderturds (rest in peace Stephen)

Woman happy to ruin the film for everyone else

Optimus Prime is looking pretty buff

News website confuses product placement for news…

Economy a bit less shit

Newspaper forgets to use the word ‘allegedly’ in its headlines again

Nudes in brief: Ellie Goulding

Study states the obvious: criminals do illegal stuff

MP suggests ghoulish solution to practical problem

Political correctness gone mad

Remember: all men are monsters and all women are objects of pity

‘Ghost-like vision’ probably not a ghost

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Clowns are terrifying monsters

Birds kinda look alike, maybe

People will complain about anything

Diana Watch 2014: her butler is in the news again. She’s dead.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 13th May 2015

The news in brief:

Breaking news: man had opinions about stuff

Politician apparently psychic

Economy a bit less shit

Experts suggest we should stop bitching about retirement and work ‘til we drop

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: chic peas are good for you

Scots celebrate with chips

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Old man is a total legend

People act like pricks on the Internet

The attention-seeking hyper-bitch may be a bile-spewing hate-wizard, but that’s un-fucking-called for

Fresh new tidal wave of immigration scaremongering

Product placement is not news

New smart pen is probably witchcraft

People are either gullible or stupid

Surprise, surprise, happy couple have a lorra lorra years together

Astronomers suspect Unicron

Gay neon sailors will save us all

Brave woman shows us that justice doesn’t have a use-by-date

Getting the snip may be getting the snip

Pro tip: mobile phones are not an internal organ

Nudes in brief: Hannah Ferguson

And finally: not all human beings are selfish bellends after all  

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 12th May 2015

The news in brief:

Looks like we’re going to have some rain

Priceless antiquity accidentally misplaced

Small victory for common sense

Little girl is fucking ace at chess

Man sneezes dart out of his nose

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man is unfathomably laid-back

PM should probably have checked her CV… 

One in five Britons don’t know shit

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Study states the obvious: Twitter is full of narcissistic pricks  

Professor Hawkins is a fucking legend

Party plans a bit of re-branding

Millionaire hypocrite fails to keep his promise

Labour party has to switch to Alan Splenda

Boss is better than your boss

Hysterical overreaction

Geeks will save us all!

Breaking news: great-grandmother is quite fond of her new great-granddaughter

Arsehole landlord exploits the desperate

Insane dictatorship surprises no-one

Nudes in brief: Derek Hough

And finally: no ‘and finally’ tonight, not with another disaster is Nepal so soon after the last one. Our thoughts are, as ever, with those affected. Donations would be pretty fucking sweet.

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 11th May 2015

The news in brief:

Man fails to quit job

Internet literally makes up news

Attention-seeking spite-wizard strikes again

Bus company offends Twitter

Legitimate points unwelcome on the Internet

Impartiality is apparently off the table for the foreseeable

Politician misses the point of a referendum

People want change – provided it’s in their favour

Black-face, drink-driving and speeding?! Someone’s been a naughty boy

Woman sort-of misses the point of social housing

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Judge suggests that the rules apply to everyone equally

It’s raining boar! Hallelujah it’s a raining boar!

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Shopkeeper doesn’t quite get democracy

Flashing lights probably not aliens

Study states the obvious: exercise is good for you

Cyberbulling is NOT news

Apparently ageist statements are news now

Yoga will kill us all!

Mindfulness will kill us all!

Celebrities are assholes

Underwear is pretty fucking expensive

Nudes in brief: Kendall Jenner

And finally: Cat gives birth to dog (maybe)

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 10th May 2015

The news in brief:

Bored of politics? We sure as fuck are! Let’s crack on with this week’s celebrity special…

Woman wears black dress

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears red dress

Breaking news: actress pops to the shops

Woman wears see-through dress

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman updates social media

Woman dresses up

Woman dresses down

Wardrobe malfunction

Newspaper has opinions about women’s make-up

Stop the press: daughter looks a bit like her mum

We still maintain that taking photographs of people’s kids is fucking weird

Underwear speculation

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

“Puts on a leggy display?” more like “woman gets out of car.”

New mother has the audacity to keep baby away from the paparazzi for ten whole months

Dad caught spending time with son

Nudes in brief: Jessica Gomes

And finally: woman’s top rides up a tiny bit (thank god there was a photographer on hand to record this groundbreaking event…)

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 9th May 2015

The news in brief:

The Conservative Party have been in power for a little over 24 hours now and even though they have only just started putting a cabinet together, according to social media they have:

Rigged the election

Planned to bring back fox hunting

Planned to read your emails

Planned to ruin the economy

Sacrificed a goat to their dark master

Constructed a Death Star

Shot JR

Killed Fred Weasley

Eaten a whole bunch of babies

Hailed Hydra

Destroyed Pompeii

Cloned Hitler

Created a new, deadlier race of Daleks

Pushed the close door button just as someone tried to get in the lift

Put Baby in the corner

Told a five-year old about Santa Claus

Rubbed a cat’s fur THE WRONG WAY!

Talked through a movie  

Constructed a second, more powerful Death Star

And finally: kicked a puppy

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 8th May 2015

The news in brief election aftermath special:

So David Dimbleby presented the election coverage all night long, where as The news in brief team fell asleep at about 11:30, and whilst we’d had a good night’s kip, he looked fresher-faced than us come the morning. We genuinely believe he only stopped at 7:00am because he was needed back on the streets of Gotham City. Our money’s on The Riddler. It’s always the fucking Riddler.

Things did not go as we expected: there was an increase in voter numbers, and although it was by the smallest of margins, we have a majority government again. Judging from the comments overheard on public transport today, people aren’t especially happy about the outcome:

“It’ll be back to the Thatcher years”

“That’s the end of this country” 

“They’re all thieves – that bitch Thatcher proved that”

“You can kiss the NHS goodbye”

“I’d emigrate if I could afford to”

Ah well, we don’t make the news, we just take the piss out of it. In other news:

Election news overshadows important anniversary

Man quits job  

Man quits job he’s never had

Criminal not very good at his job

Breaking news: sex might be bad for your relationship

Diana Watch 2015: newspaper wheels her out to push another non-story

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Magic chocolate makes you younger

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Space is trying to kill us

Tanks for the memories…

Nudes in brief: Ashley James

And finally: Woman has prehensile tongue  

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 7th May 2015

The news in brief election night special:

This is it. Some of the less apathetic members of the Great British Public have dragged their arses to the polling booths (and presuming they didn’t take their own pen) marked an X in a box with a pencil and decided which of the two main parties will get first stab at putting together a coalition government, otherwise we’re going to have to do it all again in July…

We’ve had accusation of bully-boy tactics at the booths   

Conspiracy theories about why we have to use a pencil

Smear campaigns

Old school pictures

Bacon Sandwiches

Stone tablets

Hilarious buses

Threats (or is that promises?) of voluntary exile

But if there’s two things you can count on in this General Election, it’s that the good people of Sunderland can count ballot papers pretty fucking fast and that David Dimbleby is an unstoppable, stone-cold presenting machine. When we’re tucked up in our beds in the wee small hours of the morning, he’ll still be on the BBC, putting down fools with his withering stare.

It may or may not also be true that if David Dimbleby punches you in your dreams you will wake up with bruises.  

So what ever the outcome, we know that were going to spend the next five years surrounded by people who didn’t vote, don’t vote, but are happy to complain about the outcome

See you on the other side

   

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 6th May 2015

With tomorrow being the Election Day, we’re probably going to do something a bit special, so we’re doing tomorrow’s Throwback Thursday today. So let’s forget about ballot boxes and how so-and-so eats their sandwiches for a little while and cast our minds back to the 16th May 2014 - a time when there were still over one thousand NHS nurses per patient and Brian Adams’ Everything I do, I do it for you completed its 22nd consecutive year at number 1: 

The news in brief 16th May 2014:

Medieval morality confuses compassion with fucking great slap in the face

More than loose change down the back of the sofa

Not all humans suck: donation’s show no sign of stopping

Opinions on crockery masquerading as news

Losing 400,000 listeners is apparently good now?!

Sad story has a happy ending

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

It probably cheaper to just treat the chickens nicely…

Shock: the Queen is a human being

Study states the obvious: but only because it was in the news this time last year

Healthy food is healthy

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Tiny beads of plastic will kill us all! 

Political party continues its mission to offend everyone of Earth

Common sense: 1, bureaucracy: 0 (maybe)

Nudes in brief: Amy Willerton

Group of adults legally buy drinks – nobody cares

Teacher learns the hard way that ‘black-face’ is NEVER cool

Evil nightmare super-bitch to get what’s coming to her

Meanwhile, another evil nightmare super-bitch doesn’t… 

Attack of the not-killer bees!

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still pretty dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 5th May 2015

The news in brief:

More migrants are lost to the sea, but apparently that’s not newsworthy…

The internet is home to many bigoted pricks

Self-fulfilling prophecy surprises no-one

You know, you can be right without being a twat about it

Election fever!

Celebrity rabble-rouser employs some doublethink

Shaming an unwell child is apparently news now

Turns out drink driving isn’t actually illegal

Pro tip: don’t fucking drink and drive

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount 

Economy still pretty shit

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Mad suggestion, but maybe it’s not politically motivated at all and the kid’s just named after her grandparent…

Breaking news: compulsory form filled out correctly

Maybe the council wouldn’t have to paint really short double-yellow lines if people didn’t park like wankers

Mystery sounds probably not aliens

Study states the obvious: jogging is good for you

Stop the press: clothes retailer sells clothing

Remember: you can’t say p****, but you can say n*****   

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

And finally: Ryan Gosling eats his cereal at last…

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 3rd May 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Stop the press: woman gives birth

The one-thousand-nine-hundred-and-thirteen other births yesterday totally not news worthy

People enjoy camping in some weird-ass places

Royal baby not actually called ‘Kensington Palace,’ we just read the tweet wrong…

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Paparazzi intrudes on someone’s holiday

Woman updates social media

We’ll bet your fan fiction isn’t worth £75 million

Breaking news: man enjoys sporting event

Woman wears dress

Cleavage is NOT news

Not sure she’s ‘hiding her figure,’ as much as ‘wearing a sweater because it’s raining.’    

Woman has legs

Photographers intrude on family day out

Pro tip: taking pictures of other people’s kids is fucking weird

Pro tip: publishing pictures of other people’s kids is fucking weird

Pregnant woman looks pregnant

Probably not ‘showing off her bump’ more like ‘wearing clothes whilst outside’

Photographer uses such a long lens that the picture of model-exercising-in-a-bikini is fucking blurry

(Mad idea, but maybe she didn’t want her picture taken…)  

Another mad idea – if woman quickly takes down a picture from Twitter, she probably doesn’t want it in the newspaper either. Cunts

Nudes in brief: Chloe Goodman

And finally: actress dyes her hair

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 1st May 2015

The news in brief:

No abate in the great Kate wait.

Woman has too many vaginas

Age identifying software continues to bore the Internet

Election fever continues

Photos suggest crazy dictator needs upgrading to Bond-Villain status

Mad dictatorship surprises no-one

Medieval morality ruins another life

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Internet populated by judgemental twats

Weather forecast: sunshine and showers with a slight chance of spaceship

Public transport ‘a bit shit’

Anticipating Earth being covered in shit by 2050, the human race starts littering another planet

Pareidolia is NOT news

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Rare good-news story from the Islamic Extremism saga

Rapists, rapists everywhere and not a cell to clink

NASA only goes and tests its motherfucking warp drive

Dust mites will kill us all!

Dirty fucking hypocrisy

Study states the obvious: a healthy diet is good for you

Scientists crack on with the invisibility cloak

Nudes in brief: Jasmin Walia (although we’re not sure how you can be topless under a blazer… )  

And finally:  political parties in will-they won’t-they on-again-off-again relationship

Reading the news so you don’t have to…