The news in brief 30th April 2015

With only a week left to go to the General Elections, David Dimbleby is no doubt basking in the rays of Earth’s yellow sun, readying himself for another herculean broadcasting marathon.

Rumour has it that he is immune to the Avada Kedavra curse, can see through time and that his withering stare can grant life to new Transformers.

With that in mind, let’s cast our minds back to the 30^th April 2014 – when petrol was still only 9 pence a litre, littering was practically unheard of and apparently I was feeling under the weather:

The news in brief 30^th April 2014:

I’m feeling really unwell and there’s still two more working days of this week left to go, so something of an abridged news in brief tonight:

Young couple’s break up is none of our business

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

State sanctioned murder not humane enough

Study states the obvious: fibre is good for you  

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Man quits job

Giant whale ready to blow

Breaking news: woman buys fruit juice

More racist horsefuckery crawls out of the woodwork

3D pen is heresy and witchcraft!

Young woman allegedly sexually abused – better use a picture of her wet and in a bikini

Nudes in brief: Charlotte Crosby

Diana Watch 2014: still pretty fucking dead

Skimming reading the news so you don’t have to…

       

The news in brief 29th April 2015

The news in brief:

Out of control spaceship probably won’t kill us all

Community comes together to clean up after rioters – but that doesn’t sell papers now, does it?

Election fever!

Tiny new dinosaur

Sensible suggestion portrayed as nightmarish horror

Science is looking after your arse

Study states the obvious: rat poison is bad for you

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

General public all too willing to brand obviously sick child a monster

Police outsources work to social media

Germany suggest free speech is cool (but being a bellend is not)

Archaeologists find exactly what you’d expect to find on 200-year-old battlefield

Woman still hasn’t had baby

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Crazy tyrant behaves like a crazy tyrant

Big business surprises no-one

Stop the fucking press: PM’s wife hasn’t painted her toe nails!

Politician continues to trade on xenophobia and fear

Avon lady is better at her job than you

Bank holiday traffic will probably be shit

Man is totally not sorry

Seagulls are fucking dicks

Nudes in brief: Luisa Zissman  

And finally: miracle baby found alive and well

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The news in brief 28th April 2015

The news in brief:

Nature reminds us once again who's in charge 

It turns out not every giant business is totally evil

Wind kicks the shit out of train

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Entire city loses its shit

Awesome mother is awesome

38% of country doesn't quite get democracy

Local council has had enough of your shit

Stop the press: legitimate word played on word game

Politicians caught making things up (allegedly)

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Comedian uncovers dirty pervert plot

Author learns why The news in brief never cracks a joke about you-know-who

Medieval justice system extinguishes eight more lights

Media only cares about two of them

Gimmick quickly forgotten

Turns out money can’t buy happiness

Ignorant fuckbags treat loving father like shit

If the public  don’t like little girl’s face, they can go fuck themselves, sideways, with a rusty iron spike

Study states the obvious: binge drinking is bad for you

Car company makes fuel from AIR and fucking WATER

Dubai prepares to unleash Robocops on the streets of Delta City

Nudes in brief: Millie Mackintosh and Laura Whitmore

And finally: Mad Max tortoise is ready to tear up the road

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The news in brief 26th April 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Potential wardrobe malfunction is somehow news now

Woman wears dress

Celebrity conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman updates social media

Newspaper doesn’t like woman’s hair

Newspaper doesn’t like man’s hair

So, cyberbulling is apparently okay when you’re a newspaper and your targets in the public eye

Paparazzi intrudes on private moment

How very dare she: woman goes out without make up

Woman wears gym clothes to the gym

Parents caught parenting

Outrage: celebrity caught wearing comfortable clothes whilst training

Newspaper reads an awful lot into photo of man walking

Breaking news: actress pops to the shops

Singer’s private life is none of our fucking business

Model not smiling for the photograph she isn’t aware is being taken

Stop the press: actress’s shirt rides up a bit as she walks

Not quite sure how taking a photograph of someone on holiday and putting it on the Internet counts as ‘news’ but there it is…

Woman wears bikini

Man’s watch is pretty expensive   

Pro tip fuckers: if someone has just come out as a woman, then the world has been lifted from HER shoulders, not HIS

Nudes in brief: Farrah Abraham

And finally: woman hasn’t had baby yet 

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 24th April 2015:

The news in brief:

Bile-spewing hate-wizard attracts the attention of the United Nations

Town tries to eat family

Won’t somebody think of the children!?

Celebrity is totally not sorry

Outrage as advertisement accurately describes product

Arsehole business doesn’t quite get how Twitter works

Pro tip: beaches are for everyone

Pregnant woman due to have baby anytime soon

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Politician may or may not be the Incredible Hulk

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Photobomber probably not a ghost

IKEA will kill us all

Spring weather a bit summery AND a bit wintery

Politician a little bit bigoted

Medieval morality destroys another human life

‘Diversity’ is actually not that harder word to understand

Look, I know this is hard, but rounding up and burning some murderers to death pretty much makes you as bad as the murderers…   

Economy pretty shit for poor homeowner

Turns out cleavage is the secret to free coffee

Study states the obvious: seeds are good for you

Terrifying dictatorship surprises no-one

Nudes in brief: Lady Gaga

And finally: flirtation cards used to be a thing – and on behalf of awkward people everywhere – we think they should be again…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 23rd April 2015

As the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, we're all looking forward to the summer. But whilst we wait for the sun, let's cast our minds back to the 8th November 2014 when Ann Summers first started selling ride-on lawnmowers and it was still illegal to ride an emu in Hull:

The news in brief:

Billionaire reveals secret to success

Tyne and Wear Metro pretty fucked

Sports fans decides man NOT entitled to his own beliefs

People act like pricks on the Internet

Medieval legal system set to progress from 5th to 6th Century

Child actor NOT dead

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount  

‘Mind control’ worryingly a thing now

America’s most expensive house is pretty fucking expensive

MP accused of economic shenanigans 

York very keen for bacon sandwiches

Local newspaper tells us how many pigs were hurt, but nothing about the drivers… 

Threats of a new Cold War as The Fall of the Berlin Wall is remembered

Giant phallus splits Sydney (yeah, you read that right…)    

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Skynet’s gonna put you and your grandchildren out of work!

Weather set to become wintery

Study states the obvious: discount supermarket cheaper than non-discount supermarket

Newspaper clearly doesn’t know how much chips cost…

Terrible woman forgets how to person

Nudes in brief: Keira Knightley (but for once this isn’t gratuitous news boobs)   

Yep, child actor definitely still alive (thank you Wikipedia)

And finally: Actor helps restore faith in humanity

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 22nd April 2015

The news in brief:

Great idea: let's make people with deep rooted self-esteem issues feel unwelcome in public.  That'll help.

Look. I'm a big guy and I could stand to lose some weight. For my health. For my future.  But I'm also a depressive and food has been a comfort blanket for as long as I can remember and it's a difficult fight. It's a fight that I think I'm winning (most days) but it is not an overnight thing and I will not be down to my ideal weight of 12 stone this side of Sherlock season 3 (current estimate June 11th 2177)

In the meantime do I not have the right to wear clothes? Shunning me from every shop in the high street (and believe me it's a struggle already) is only going to make me more awkward and unhappy.  And you know who's always there to make me feel better when I'm really down? The Colonel, The Clown and The King. And when I'm deep under that black cloud I find it hard to resist their siren call and the vicious circle continued to spiral down...

As a nation we do need to lose a bit of the old weight, but what we need is more open spaces, and the time to enjoy them, encouragement,  practical advice,  affordable healthy food and the promotion of personal responsibility. 

What we do NOT need is institutionalised bullying or to feed that curious need we have as a species to keep someone as a second-class citizen.

In the meantime if a love handle or a man boob offends you. Or for that matter a port wine stain,  ginger hair,  limp, bucked tooth or missing limb, you have the right to not look.

And if it's still a problem for you, you can always fuck off. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

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The news in brief 21st April 2015

The news in brief:

Economy still pretty shit

The word scapegoat comes to mind…

Turns out doctor was just trying to bang the dents out

Study states the obvious: kids speak funny

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Science is fucking awesome: stem cell research cures genetic disorder

Politician not intentionally hilarious

Twitter goes to war on trolls

Normally we scoff at UFO/ghost/monster ‘proof,’ be we fucking love Nessie!

Loch Ness Monster probably just a log

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

People really struggle with the whole ‘don’t be a dick’ thing

Brits will complain about everything

Mad suggestion that we shouldn’t be vilifying terrified people fleeing conflict  

Politician is an insensitive cunt

People act like pricks on the Internet

Hey Scotland, did we just do this?

Medieval superstitions continue to ruin lives all over the world

Road warrior doles out typically British justice

Coffee is good for you

Coffee is bad for you  

Happy birthday Your Majesty!

Nudes in brief: Emily Ratajkowski

And finally: man addicted to new pants

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 20th April 2015

The news in brief:

Priorities: 30 people murdered barely gets a footnote. Miley Cyrus’ armpits get a half-page spread

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Skynet set to take over our hospitals

Pro tip: vaccinate your fucking kids

People act like cunts on the Internet

Health and safety gone mad

Register to vote – if not, you forfeit your right to bitch about the government

Mad suggestion that immigrants are people too

Opinionated hate-wizard oddly unapologetic

Economy still pretty shit

Don’t judge: maybe the propagandamobile has a disability

Weather looks set to get more summer-y

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

What kind of gigantic bellend steals from someone having a seizure  

General public feels woman should pay for her own goddamned wedding

Spidergeddon! 

Chimpanzees are smarter than a whole bunch of people we know

The universe is a huge and terrifying place

Do-it-yourself tattoo removal should have seemed like a bad idea from the outset

Study states the obvious: broccoli is good for you

Indistinct blur probably not aliens

Nudes in brief: Kourtney Kardashian

And finally: astronaut becomes first person to wear Starfleet uniform in space (and The news in brief’s new personal hero)

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 19th April 2015

Sorry about the brief hiatus (pun intended) but I felt really poorly after work on Friday and I thought to myself, ‘hey it’s okay, I’ll just put up a post on Saturday, no-one will notice,’ but then after a nice day out in the sunshine I think I piled a dose of heatstroke on top of the ol’ manful and I was fast asleep by a quarter past nine. So then this morning I work up feeling like death and staring at a laptop wasn’t going to make it any better, so I went for a hair cut and a cup of tea and I think I’ve finally found enough motivation to churn out a

The news in brief celebrity special:

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch upgrading from amusing distraction to terrifying hatemonger

Turns out there are two sides to every story (not that anyone cares)

Singer didn’t expect offensive comment to offend anyone

No-one makes a music video like the Hoff

Megastars happy to take their fans’ money

Stop the press: woman has legs

Woman wears dress

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Cleavage is not news

Breaking news: pregnant woman goes outside

Sure is a whole bunch of stuff not happening at this Coachella thing

Paparazzi intrudes on intimate moment

Holy shit: couple gets some bits in from the shops

Controversial musician is controversial

Actor has the audacity to not be well-turned-out all the fucking time

Model caught without makeup

Newspaper likes woman’s clothes

Hold the front page: sports star is sweaty after exercising (have we just discovered a whole new low?)

Woman wears clothes appropriate to activity

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Pro tip: publishing candid photographs of other people’s kids is FUCKING WEIRD

A dad spending time with their child in NOT news

Diana Watch 2015: apparently you can order a copy of her will for the low-low price of just £10.00….  still dead.

Nudes in brief: Rihanna

And finally: newspaper fond of the phrases ‘pert derrière’ and ‘oozes sex appeal’  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 16th April 2015

As the party leaders bicker like schoolchildren live on TV, desperate to win your votes in the upcoming election, let’s cast our minds back to the blissful summer of 2013 - when Phillip Schofield first set foot on the moon and the NHS help deliver its 300^th baby.   

The news in brief 9^th August 2013:

Historically infertile animal may or may not be pregnant

 
Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Games console manufacturer determined to alienate fans

Government suggests rules should apply to everyone

Fastfood sandwich better than it was in 1973

Newspaper suggests family should secure bigger house before having more kids

Celebrity wears bikini on cruise

Government receives backlash for suggesting rules should apply to everyone

Queue-jumping celebrity kicked out of bakery

Pro tip: Bongo-Bongo Land comments are pretty fucking offensive

Study states the obvious: poor people shop at Lidl

Fracking still a thing

Cyber bullies are fucking shits

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 15th April 2015

The news in brief:

Bureaucracy: 1, Common sense: 0  

Natural hair colour not natural enough

School confuses ‘education’ with ‘being a drone factory’

Countries continue to spend millions on pissing each other off

Someone’s been a naughty boy

Attack of the Giant Badgers

Apparently you can die of a broken heart (or maybe with no-one to nag them, men just start deep frying everything…)  

You smell happy (apparently)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Media has a new favourite way to scaremonger

Politician not too fond of difficult questions

No-one’s too sure where the money’s going to come from

Study states the obvious: anti immigration party most popular where there’s less immigrants….

Economy still pretty ropey

Pro tip: flying a gyrocopter into the Whitehouse is a good way to get shot (nearly)  

Minor customer service dispute is NOT news

Intolerant bellend in a spot of bother  

Ship is pretty fucking big

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

On an aeroplane adventure, you get hit by cosmic rays (but not changed in the most fantastic ways)

Nudes in brief: Emily Ratajkowski

And finally: with 7 billion humans, it’s only a matter of time before you find a pair that look alike

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 14th April 2015

The news in brief:

Stop the press: politician practices what she preaches (although some of the other bits remain to be seen…)

Political party forgets to include rainbows, unicorns and kittens in its hilarious vision of the future

People act like self-entitled twats on the Internet

Presenter receives death threats for unforgivable crime of NOT having a penis

General public still seems to think it’s okay to punch a colleague and NOT be sacked  

Cheese on toast is pretty important

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Voters prepare their scorecards for buzzword bingo

Oops: consultant says the loud bit quiet and the quiet bit loud

Medieval morality destroys another life

Apparently living in a house they used on a TV shows makes you an expert now

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Study suggests people would rather meander through the countryside than be trapped in a metal tube thousands of feet above the ocean

Weather perfectly normal for the time of year but still inexplicably newsworthy

Parking meters designed by dastardly evil masterminds

Mysterious outbreak of common sense

Shoppers are judgemental cunts

Action Gran saves the day

Study states the obvious: too much paracetamol is bad for you

Nudes in brief: Chloe Madeley

And finally: awesome five-year-old reminds us how to person  

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The news in brief 13th April 2015

The news in brief:

Woman forgets how to person

Apparently hospitals aren’t busy enough

World remains a pretty hairy place

Terrible tragedy presented as oddity for your amusement

Mars is a bit less dead than we imagines (but still pretty dead)

Three is hoping to become four…

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Giant aeroplanes are pretty fucking awesome

Smartphones will kill us all

America is ready for Hilary

United Kingdom ‘not especially religious’

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Business shamed for fairly sensible decision

iPads will kill us all! (wait, isn’t this the same story as the Smartphones…?)

Product placement is NOT news

Awesome student not challenged by University Challenge

America is not ready for Hilary

‘Pro tip: ‘assaulting people is not cool’ applies to famous people too

Egg-ception! (only a bloody week too fucking late)

Bright flashes probably not aliens

Super rich people can afford stuff you can’t

Internet looses its shit over TV program

Nudes in brief: Billi Mucklow

And finally: coffee and bacon are good for you (for now at least…)

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The news in brief 12th April 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Breaking news: celebrity women wear summer clothes - in summer!

Wild speculation

Singer surprises no-one

Actor set to get acting job

Don't worry - a person can't be good at everything

Celebrity couple's affairs somehow our business

Actor updates social media

Turns out not every celebrity marriage ends with scandles and affairs...

Stop the press: someone unfollowed someone on Instagram

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Wardrobe malfunction

Shock revelation really not all that shocking

Louis quits the X Factor, for like what, the eight millionth time?

Women dresses appropriately for the weather

Family breakdown is none of our business

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out
Shock: woman wears glasses

Hairs is kinda sorta similar

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

And finally: attention-seeking hyper-bitch suddenly concerned that she might offend someone

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Somewhat overdues in brief 11th April 2015

The news in brief:

News blogger's laptop still being an unbelievable bastard

Goat sacrifice unsuccessful

World continues merry jig towards Armageddon

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Judgemental cunts didn't actually read the article

Medieval morality destroys another life

Housing market still a bit shit

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Horses all survive Grand National (for a change)

Protesters pretty disappointed

The Internet is a dark and terrifying place

Weather set to get increasingly summery

Turns out God has a pretty wicked sense of humour

Country removes people's rights to be unspeakably selfish twats

Terms and conditions: 1, common sense: 0

Big business surprises no-one

World leaders give peace a chance

Maybe you should have a manifesto before you start asking people to vote for you

Pre-crime fines apparently a thing now

Gigantic bellend caught on camera

Nudes in brief: Kendall Jenner

And finally: dogs literally save our asses

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 9th April 2015

As the Liberal Democrats make the first move in their eternal war against pigeonkind, let's look back to the 16th September 2014 and remember how much happier we all were:

The news in brief:

Man learns the hard way that the Metro inspectors aren’t fucking about

Pro tip: shouting so the other person can’t be heard doesn’t mean you’re winning the argument

Story states the obvious: fruit is good for you

Man’s sexuality is neither interesting nor newsworthy

Survey suggests 50% of Scotland is going to be pissed off either way

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Three-eyed cow!

Man’s humanity to goldfish both reassuring and heart-warming

Tech reviewer hasn’t actually seen Star Wars

Watch is pretty fucking sexy, but product placement isn’t actually news

Fuckfaced, megacunt-douchecanoes do horrible things to cat   

Social media suggest free-speech is a Good Thing

Think-tank suggests we still need to be wrapped in a few more layers of cotton wool

The motherfucking COOKIE MONSTER was on motherfucking NEWSNIGHT!  

Maybe it’s because violins aren’t cool…

Fried chicken probably not psychic  

Doctor forgets how to person

Big Business behaves in a cunt-like fashion

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Cheating teen has the Worst. Day. Ever.

Twitter is a harsh and unforgiving mistress

Nudes in brief: some random sunbathing chick

Weather continues to become increasing autumnal

And finally: Columbia rubbish at designing uniforms… 

Reading the news so you don’t have to… 

The news in brief 8th April 2015

The news in brief

In the eternal struggle of lion versus plastic barrel: barrel won

Tragic abuse of power caught on camera

Good old fashioned jewellery heist

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Verdict surprises no-one

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Woman forgets how to person

Terrible person gets what they deserve

Man makes wise decision

Study states the obvious: people like legroom

Cute animals are totally cute

Turns out exercise might be good for you

Justice better late than never

Town is a bit shit

It was a pretty fucking big snake

People are judgemental cunts

Not all men thinks with their dicks

Pepper spray drones are a thing now

Man too good at his job

Looks like we're going to have some weather

Medieval morality ruins another life

Product placement masquerading as news

Nudes in brief: Uma Thurman

And finally: would-be rapist gets a kung-pow kicking.

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 7th April 2015

The news in brief:

Brontosaurus is totally a Dinosaur again (maybe)

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch strikes again

General public continues to feed the troll

Study states the obvious: good food is good for you

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Election campaign proceeds exactly as expected

Economy continues to suck

Pro tip: if you’re going to have 17 girlfriends – prepare for everything!

EU hates gardeners, golfers and old people

Dog really wanted biscuits

Fancy restaurants to get all McDonalds-y  

Hardcore sportsman performs minor surgery on himself

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Self-righteous cunts judge sick person

Homeowner has really shitty day

Giant slugs will kill us all!

Political party has pretty loose grasp of economics

Weather ‘entirely normal for time of year’

Corn will save us all!

Bumper crop of body shaming stories

Stop the press: swans are fucking arseholes

Woman gets free Gecko (and has the audacity to complain about it…)

Nudes in brief: Rihanna

And finally: Michelle Obama’s gonna funk you up – don’t believe me just watch  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

Also, read this: http://projectshandy.co.uk/submit/call-for-submissions-mental-health-awareness-week/

The news in brief 1st April 2015

You know the rules – when we take a holiday, so does The news in brief… and since it’s that time of year when mankind celebrates the day Chuck Norris and President Obama defeated the Easter Bunny, we’re away for the next five nights. As always we finish the week with:

  

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman unsuccessfully wears dress

Woman successfully wears dress

Woman updates social media

Parent caught parenting

Stop the press: couple goes for a walk. Together. Outside!

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears dress

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Paparazzi photographs someone leaving their house (and somehow this is news)

Wardrobe malfunction

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Parent’s personal tragedy somehow our business

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Man pops to the shops

Woman wears glasses

Unfounded speculation

Breaking news: woman has legs

Pregnant woman looks pregnant

Nudes in brief: Thandie Newton

And finally: The Daily Mail may have a bit of an obsession with Rita Ora  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…