The news in brief 30th January 2015

The news in brief:

Miracle babies survive terrible tragedy  

New dinosaur needs to wind its neck in

Lego unveils its plan to bankrupt nerds everywhere

Study suggest wine is good for you this week

Engineers design expensive, short-term solution for human misery

Product placement is NOT news

Novelty graphs are NOT news

Medieval justice system executes the mentally handicapped

Good news: the wage gap between men and women is closing

Bad news: we’re all getting shafted

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Light dusting of snow brings United Kingdom to a grinding halt

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Mad suggestion: have you tried not speeding?

Economy a bit shit

Man’s inhumanity to chickens continues apace. Police suspect foul play…

Health and safety: 1 - human decency: 0

Spoilsports ruin winter for everyone

Indistinct white dot probably not a UFO

Time may in fact not be a ball of wibbly, wobbly, timey-wimey stuff, but instead a linear progression of cause and effect

Universe is barren and lifeless. After the ‘future is predetermined’ stuff, this is some pretty bleak shit…  

Nudes in brief: everyone is oddly clothed today. Does a bit of shoulder count?!

And finally: abused baby orang-utan is rescued, re-homed and happily eating fruit

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

 

The news in brief 29th January 2015

A blog post from the archives:


The news in brief 12th November 2013:

Home Office a bit heavy handed

Tabloid exploits misery to sell papers

Met Office saves the day

Diana Watch, day 64: dog named after Lady Diana. Lady Diana is still dead.

New mums bribed with Poundshop vouchers 

Apparently new mums need knock-off toys, duff batteries, dried up felt tips and twelve packs of lighters

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Shock: consenting adult gets tattoo

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Woman dresses for the weather

IMMIGRANT MENACE!

Stop the press: Law applied fairly

Business makes money

Animal testing uses animals

Hilariously offensive t-shirts hilariously offensive

Horrific pricks: 5

Nudes in brief: David Beckham

Roomba commits suicide

Miley Watch: 40% covered

Woman wears skirt

People attend birthday party

Attention seeking hyperbitch finally silenced

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 28th January 2015

The news in brief:

Zombie cat returns from beyond the grave

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Product placement masquerading as news

Now if someone steals your phone, they can steal your house as well as your identity

Photographer has balls of steel

Study states the obvious: sugary cereals are full of sugar

Weather entirely typical for January

Dude is totally amazing at his job

Terrorists spread hate in 140 characters or less

Newspaper not quite sure how Lent works…

Media’s narrow definition of beauty is an ever-changing thing

Busybodies have far too much time on their hands

Man literally rejected by the entire world

Greatest film of all time due unnecessary remake

Burglar totally wanted a sandwich

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Economy a bit shit

Apparently, common sense needs incentivising

Lipstick will kill us all!

Minor customer service failure reported as news

Social media indulges in some stunning hypocrisy

Supermarket totally regrets its free coffee idea  

Nudes in brief: Elena Perminova

And finally – good-natured train passengers show as that not everyone is a gigantic bellend

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 27th January 2015

The news in brief:

Wild speculation reported as fact

Quotation marks pretty much ‘replace’ the word allegedly…  

Weather not as wintery as expected

Facebook and Instagram hacked – Internet looses its freaking mind

How many skinny lattes, moustaches and thigh-gaps went undocumented

Boko Haram killed a whole bunch of people too – but apparently nobody gives a shit about that…

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Dental mishap

Political correctness gone mad

Journalist wants to take away all our favourite words

In related news, we may have to stop bandying the word ‘horse-fucker’ around quite so casually

For the record – you totally shouldn’t have sex with horses

University is fucking expensive

Don’t believe everything you read

Weddings are getting out of hand

Pro tip: stop fucking about near trains

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch doesn’t quite understand taxes  

General public are judgemental bastards

Hallelujah, it’s a raining fish

Giant Stig

Pornography will kill us all

Nudes in brief: Emma McVey

And finally: 70 years ago, man’s inhumanity to man was unfathomable. I hope we never forget….

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 26th January 2015

The news in brief:

Political party doesn’t quite get economics

Cyclist says #sorrynotsorry

MPs agree ruining national parks might be a Bad Idea

Fracking will kill us all

Fracking will save us all

Man’s inhumanity continues apace

Church acknowledges that women may in fact be people

Asshole begs to differ

Wine thief not a huge fan

Popular people will kill us all

Attack of the drones

Study states the obvious: northerners do best fried breakfast

Turns out it wasn’t GCHQ on the phone…

Weather to turn very wintery

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Big-wig’s wig snags big fig (very proud of that one…)

Army suggests that gays may in fact be people too

Coffee and carbs are good for you! (get them in before they change their minds again!)

Pro tip: probably best to not ignore the tickets

Slip of the tongue leads to moral outrage

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

  

And finally: woman donates her womb to her infertile best friend – showing that not all human being are gigantic, selfish fuck-faces.

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 25th January 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

Breaking news: Taylor Swift is not a clone

Miss Universe competition suspiciously earth-centric

Some shit happened in the Big Brother house

Couple’s relationship status is somehow our business

Woman judges herself by the media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears swimwear – at the beach!

Outfits are not remotely similar

Telephoto lens captures private moment

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Model shows up all those slobs who fly in comfortable clothes

Woman wears dress

Man pops to the shops

Model models

Newspaper approves of woman’s size

Model has the cheek to wear a coat – in winter and everything!

Photographer snaps woman who clearly wants to be left the fuck alone

Newspaper prints picture of woman who clearly wants to be left the fuck alone

Media clearly can’t take the fucking hint

Actress shows off her gravity distorting powers (and her knickers)

Woman updates social media

Stop the press – woman’s blouse doesn’t quite touch her waistband when she reaches up!

Nudes in brief: Perez Hilton

And finally: actress does something totally worthwhile – but apparently not as important as who’s wearing what and who’s fucking who…

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 23rd January 2015

The news in brief:

Bureaucracy: 1- human decency: 0

Bastard hackers are bastards

Awesome hackers are awesome

Slippery slope argument apparently not a logical fallacy when it works in your favour…

I have a three hour commute every day – turns out there are excuses after all

$350,000 40-tonne barbecue probably doesn’t help either…

Sexist dick gets owned by airline

Medieval mindset costs a woman her job

The Queen is number 1!

Logo designer has a lot of explaining to do

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Pro tip: if you break an ancient relic, don’t try and fix it with crazy glue…

Brave and stupid are not mutually exclusive

Revenge porn is sadly still a thing – and its practitioners are still gigantic bellends

Chocolate is bad for you (especially if you’re a bear)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Baby probably not the Second Coming…

Science is fucking awesome

Media wheels out another ‘tiny house is very small’ story

Minor customer service failure reported as news

Nudes in brief: Ellie Goulding

And finally: $21,000 for a unique baby name?! We’ll grab a handful of Scrabble tiles for a lot less…  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…      

The news in brief 22nd January 2015

A blog post from the archives:

The news in brief 23rd October 2013:

Newspaper spreads racial intolerance

British public already made up its mind about ethnic group it just learned about

Arachnid invasion!

No you-know-who stories today

Pretty baker is pretty smart too

Baby christened

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Bigoted police might be a touch overzealous

Family thankful to Watson and Crick

Stuff in space is pretty far away

Christened child has god parents

Deplorable horsefucker count: 7

Apparently people's tweets count as news now

Diana Watch, day 45: still 'dead'

Hypersensitive airbags scupper cars

MPs make knee-jerk decisions

Paparazzi intrudes on father/son moment

Paparazzi intrudes on mother/daughter moment

Model whores it up a bit

Reading the news so you don't have to... 

The news in brief 21st January 2015

The news in brief:

Ladies: beware your shambolic downstairs

Pro tip: vaginas are a self-cleaning organ

Breaking news: onions are a foodstuff

Just so you know – steam cleaners are intended for kitchen floors, not your cootchie-snorcher  

Whatever Philip Schofield is paid – it’s not enough

In other news… penises are pretty heard to break

Politician takes a leaf out of the Nazi playbook

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Good news: science has decided that coffee is good for you!

There’s probably not a time-hole at the centre of the Milky Way

Potential employers don’t actually read you CV

Printing error ruins woman’s day

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Doomsday clock is on the move again

UK infrastructure struggles with winter – despite it happening this time every year

Scientists have decided that sunshine is now good for you (do try to keep up)

Hilarious misprint is not actually news

Woman learns that hard way not to be a cunt

Chances are your password is shit

Security guard didn’t get the ‘it’s not 1755 any more, asshole’ memo

Man inexplicably not dead

Nudes in brief: Dakota Johnson

And finally: UFO photobombs the International Space Station  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 20th January 2015

The news in brief:

Singer is even blunter than The news in brief…

Degenerate thug is new contender for cunt of the year

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

General public are judgemental bastards

Mother is pretty fucking old

Controversial film is controversial

Muffin does look quite a bit like a hamster

Study states the obvious: shoplifting on the rise during extended period of benefit cuts and wage freezes  

Calm down lads: page 3 is still right there between page 2 and page 4 – we checked!

Strong-minded, confident, well-paid women suddenly out of work

Old woman has more money than you

Flat is really fucking expensive

Politician is literally full of shit

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Mega-fan unveils The hobbit in brief

Thief not very good and thieving

School’s priorities are pretty skewed

Exactly how long has a short-back-and-sides been inappropriate hair for school?!  

Google/Skynet unveils its first Terminator

Having a lie-in will kill us all

Doctor forgets how to person

Nudes in brief: Kelly Bensimon

And finally: study recommends telling your boss exactly where they can shove it

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 19th January 2015

The news in brief:

Internet looses its shit over children’s program

Despite knowing all those big clever words, QCs struggle with ‘fictional’

We’re not sure if she’s in the running for cunt of the year, but mum sure is pushy

Protocol droid can go fuck himself

Pope suggests ‘over her tits’ not the same as ‘spilled on the ground’

These may not have been his exact words – the editor

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Little girl says what we’re all thinking

Pen lid, jelly baby and cake-topper tell it like it is

Singer calls bullshit on hypocrisy

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

NHS a bit shit

Surgeon shows us that not everyone is a gigantic bellend

Aeroplane a bit minging like

Sport enforces its medieval rules

Council prepares to patronise benefits claimants

Weather to remain ‘wintery’ until at least spring

Newspaper needs to spell check its headlines…

Study states the obvious: it’s grim up North

Two-legged dog totally NOT a kangaroo

Product placement masquerading as news

No manners? Don’t worry – there’s an app for that…

Nudes in brief: Amy Willerton

And finally: possum due a mammoth shit (unless of course it was put down)    

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 18th January 2015

The news in brief celebrity special:

‘Peace on Earth and goodwill to all mankind’ apparently a hard concept

Woman updates social media

Pay attention: an actual example of a ‘pregnant woman showing off her bump’

Photographers intrude on couple’s romantic evening

Woman wears dress

Actress dresses appropriately for the weather

Poncho is pretty fucking expensive

Telephoto lens captures intimate moment

Couple sex life is inexplicably news

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Stop the press: celebrity can afford a pretty expensive house

Newspaper doesn’t like woman’s outfit

Breaking news: man wears scarf

Much like thousands of others this week, couple gets married

Elderly woman wears hat

Woman has the audacity to pop the shops without doing her make-up

Idle speculation: celebrity’s wife may or may not be pregnant  

Newspaper seemingly obsessed with actor’s kids

Soap storyline set to be ‘traumatic’ and ‘unrealistic’

Some shit happened in a house. No-one cared.

Pregnant woman probably not ‘hiding her bump’ and probably just ‘carrying a bag’

Woman doesn’t dress for the weather

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Nudes in brief: Kelly Brook

And finally: photographer catches man reading – like a book and everything!

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

Breaking news

Stop the press: it's only fucking snowing!

The news in brief 16th January 2015 (sorry it's a day late)

The news in brief:

Big business marginally less shit

Total eclipse of the wang

Van driver is an unbelievable cunt

Musicals: 1, Homophobia: 0

Remember kids: all men are monsters and all woman are victims...

Defective long term memory or stunning hypocrisy - you decide

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Mad suggestion that we should all just get along

Pope suggests being a dick, just to be a dick, makes you a dick

These may not have been his exact words - the editor

Entirely typical weather forecast

US to decide if gays are people in all 50 states 

Exploding boobies!

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Study states the obvious: dancing is good for you (because dancing is a form of exercise you see...)

Ghetto builds itself

Channel Tunnel refreshingly not terrorism 

Stop the press: junk food is bad for you

Newspaper proudly publishes just one side of the story 

Internet complainer set the bar pretty high for this year's 'Cunt of the Year.'

Whistle-blower surprises no-one 

Medieval morality ruins another life 

Common sense: 0, Health and fucking safety: 1  

Nudes in brief:  Kristin Cavallari

And finally: woman should really fire her travel agent... 

Reading the news so you don't have to... 


 

The news in brief 15th January 2015

A blog post from the archives

The news in brief 1st October 2013:

Nothing compares 2 Unsolicited advice

Fry ups cause babies

The Internet is full of porn and pictures of kittens

Diana Watch, day 25: still 'dead'

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

UK forgets about Syria, fracking and badger culls as lottery price doubles

Students are mucky pups

Newspaper says sorry

US government still closed, please leave any packages with Canada...

Driver overreacts to fairly minor event

Supermarket in bother for keeping security room locked

Pound shop sells useless tat

Sleep is bad for you

Family tragedy is apparently news now

Public outraged by sound medical advice

Woman wears dress

Family breakup is apparently our business now

Newspaper slams very talented singer for her clothes

Actors act in film  

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 14th January 2015

The news in brief:

London landmark terrifying locals

Irony apparantly a hard concept

Soup will save us all

Political correctness gone mad

Pepper Pig's days are numbered

Mad suggestion that we should all stop over-simplifying massively complicated issue

Suspect statistics are suspect

Political party gunning for coverted 'cunt of the year' title

Fictional character runs for public office

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Medieval morality continues to treat women like shit

CCTV captures definitive proof that not everybody sucks

Nothing solves a problem quite like a big-ass fucking wall

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Light dusting of snow grinds UK's infrastructure to a halt

Government super-keen to read your emails

Pro tip: stop going to fucking A&E for non-urgent shit

Space is really fucking dangerous

Study suggests we should all just buy a new car...

Study states the obvious: exercise is good for you

Media demonises benefits claimants

Nudes in brief: Miley Cyrus

And finally: white Christian extremists are also gigantic bellends

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 13th January 2015

The news in brief:

Pro tip: you can be right without being a dick

No free food for ugly people

U.S. still bitter about that whole ownership thing...

Breaking news: not everyone in London is a prick

Man's humanity to koalas is a welcome change of pace

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Internet loses its shit over movie trailer 

PM not keen on winning next election

Schools a bit shit

Economy's a bit shit

Trains are a bit shit

Prison service a bit shit

Supermarket a bit shit

Buses a bit shit

Gas prices coming down, so that's something...

Cleavage is not news

New beer is totally balls

Couple makes the mad suggestion that they should have the same rights everywhere in the UK

More winter-y weather forecast this winter

Undercrackers bad for men's knackers

Government wants to read your email

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Nudes in brief: that's weird, everyone is suspiciously clad today... unless nipples dresses count?

That's right, nipple dresses are a thing now

And finally: The news in brief apologises unreservedly to the people of Donna Summerland

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 12th January 2015

Fox News seems to be labouring under the hilariously false belief that the city of Birmingham is an Islamic State where police fear to tread and wandering death gangs enforce Sharia Law. Scaremongering bullshit. To help Fox better understand the people of Birmingham The news in brief has thrown together the following report:

The news in brief Birmingham special:

English is a second language in Birmingham.  More people actually speak Duck.

In Birmingham they hate the Queen so much they call the side of the coin with her face on 'tails'

Emmerdale was outlawed in 2001. Re-runs of episodes still called 'Emmerdale Farm' are permitted

Under Birmingham law, the full English Breakfast is know as 'Satan's Breakfast.'

Scones are permitted but only with Jam or Clotted Cream. To have both is to court death

Their national anthem is the Countdown theme music.

By law you must use pritt stick or self adhesive envelopes. Licking an envelope is concidered taboo

It is legal to eat horse, but only on a Tuesday. 

They have a 100% efficient public transport system.  It is illegal to use it.

Gay marriage is legal, but only if there's been a recent straight divorce.  They operate a strict one-in-one-out policy

Badgers are mandatory

At Christmas they celebrate the day Flash defeated Ming and united the moons of Mongo. Their nativity plays are awesome!

Using a 26 hour day and 8 day week the people of Birmingham live longer, more fulfilling lives

And finally: Birmingham was founded in 1992 by the French-Canadian philosopher Jean-Paul Birmingham. Before that it was known as 'Donna Summerland'

Making up the news so Fox doesn't have to...

The news in brief 11th January 2015

Whilst Western Europe still wanders around in a state of shock after the brutal terror attacks in our own back yard, it's reassuring to know that the paparazzi are still taking pictures of famous people's kids and calling it news...

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Woman updates social media

Woman wears dress

Woman doesn't wear dress

Actress has the audacity to not look happy all the time

Couple spends time together

Soap character is going to do some hell-ass dramatic shit

Photographer catches family spending time together! 

Singer adjust her make-up

Side boob is apparently news now

Stop the press: actress wears hair extensions

Model models

Paparazzi intrudes on girls' night out
Wild speculation about ex-couple's love-life

Breaking news: Actress has life outside of work

Another celebrity is caught up in the great 'not wearing make-up' scandal

Pregnant woman looks a bit pregnant

Man has dinner - on his own!

Nudes in brief: Myleene Klass

Diana Watch 2015: headline withholds pertinent information

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 9th January 2015

The news in brief:

The news is still dominated by the cowardly, callous, barbaric murders in France and the further losses of life today - and there's nothing funny about any of this.

Suffices to say that man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 8th January 2015

The news in brief:

The news is still dominated by the cowardly, callous, barbaric murders in France and there's nothing funny about that.

But on a lighter note, Bill Gates has invented a machine that turns shit into electricity and clean drinking water and that's fucking cool.

So whilst there are screaming fanatics working hard to drive us back into the stone age, there are others working to make the world better.

Done give up on us.

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 7th January 2015

The news in brief:

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 6th January 2015

The news in brief:

Sorry, my husky brethren, but basically there’s a list of types of people and as soon as it becomes a hate crime to pick on one, the media moves on to the next…

Poor people are all litter louts

Correctional facility forgets how to prison

Poor people only eat junk food

Space is really fucking big

Wintery weather due this January

Phone is really fucking expensive

Some people have more money than sense

The Walkman is back but you probably can’t afford one

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

So, social petworking is a thing now…

Hackers are at it again

Criminal bastards sell black market gateaux

Another contender for ‘cunt of the year’ enters the arena

What will you do with your leap-second?

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Hypnotist helps catch bad guy

BBC’s drinks tab is fucking huge

Economy still pretty shit

Pro tip: stop going to A&E for non-emergencies. The clue is in the fucking name!

Study states the obvious: exercise is good for you   

Nudes in brief: Lindsay Lohan

And finally: we’re glad the lady’s feeling better, but she only had a hard time because people are heartless fucks who place far too much emphasis on the media’s narrow definition of beauty…  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 5th January 2015

The news in brief:

Actor really hates his son’s girlfriend

Economy still pretty shit

Aeroplane passengers have pretty crap day

Big Brother is apparently still a thing

Fuel prices suspiciously low

Mysterious dot probably not aliens

Terrorist doesn’t quite get Twitter

Council member wins ‘cunt of the year so far’ award

Even zealots need financial services…

Bureaucracy 1: common sense: 0

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: scarves keep you warm

Social media users may be a tiny bit gullible

Turns out all those old wives might have been right after all

Pro tip: space hoppers are not vehicles

Now you can have placebos for lunch   

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Some Germans aren’t too hot at history

Medieval morality claims even more lives  

Tattooing your own face with printer ink is generally NOT a good idea

Product placement masquerading as news

Ironic collision

Nudes in brief: Chloe Goodman

And finally: Nazi cows try to kill owners  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 4th January 2015

Slight change to The news in brief’s publishing schedule. When we started this thing 18 months ago, we weren’t expecting anyone to still give a flying shit a year-and-a-half later. It turns out I need a break every once in a while and having a one-year-old totally doesn’t help.

The news in brief will publish its usual rundown of the day’s headlines on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. Thursdays will be a funny infographic, blog post from the archives or link to something so fucked up it doesn’t need The news in brief’s loving caress – and Sundays will remain the ever-popular Celebrity Special.

    

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman updates social media

Couple dresses appropriately for the weather

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman wears hat

Telephoto lenses capture intimate moment

Woman wears beachwear – at the beach!

‘Parading her enviable figure’ or just ‘walking from point A to point B?’

Woman fails to conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Newspaper has opinions about woman’s outfit

Photographer intrudes on family holiday

Woman wears bikini

Couple’s sex life inexplicably our business

Shock: woman goes for walk – on her own!

Stop the press: actress smokes cigarette

Actress wears snow boots – in the snow!

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Model pops to the shops

Mad suggestion, but if she’s ‘keeping a low profile,’ maybe you shouldn’t take her fucking photograph and post it on the fucking Internet?!

Singer is totally not sorry

Paparazzi intrudes on family time

Nudes in brief: Myleene Klass

And finally: actor caught rehydrating immediately after exercise  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 2nd January 2015

The news in brief:

Hot coffee will kill us all

No more Netflix for you, insomniacs

General public struggles to understand thermodynamics

Don’t fuck about with drones

Cancer may just be bad luck

It’s still probably a good idea to look after yourself though…

TV news twists the police’s words

Arrr, there be treasure, me hearties!

Economy a bit less shit

Turns out the future is pretty fucking scary

Economy still pretty shit

Couple’s fashion-sense is apparently news now

Whole country forgets how to person

Chicken is pretty fucking expensive

Big business doesn’t know how to Twitter

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Study states the obvious: having your heart broken sucks

Medieval morality continues to treat women like shit

Health and fucking safety not actually to blame

Pro-tip: petrol caps remains static relative to the driver

Scientist is an insensitive cock

Country might be a bit euthanasia-happy

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Nudes in brief: Georgio Armani

And finally: stay the fuck out of the ebola tree!

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 1st January 2015

The year in brief 2014:

January:

Only a matter of time before we're balls deep in burned-out caravans

Have you checked behind your sofa for Romanians?

February:

Winter Olympics too hot

Winter Olympics too cold

March:

Onions are a gateway drug

It turns out the tidal wave of Romanians and Bulgarians didn’t happen

April:

Being racist on Twitter is generally a Bad Idea

More racist horsefuckery crawls out of the woodwork

May:

Straight people continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage

Political party haven’t quite worked out how Twitter works

June:

Paparazzi catches woman eating yogurt

Basically the whole fucking planet is going to hell in a handbasket

July:

Laws of thermodynamics not that difficult to grasp

Whoever would have guessed that mutilating a young girl’s ladyparts should be illegal?!

August:

100 years ago, a lost generation of farmers and merchants and builders and labourers were forced to kill other farmers and merchants and builders and labourers in muddy fields in France because human beings couldn’t find a better way to settle their differences.

September:

The old “Great British Bake Off leads to increase in sales of baking goods” story is dusted off and wheeled out again for the fifth time. 

Random, nine-foot tall, mega-wang-having statue of Satan randomly appears in a park in Vancouver…

October:

Attention-seeking hyper-bitch continues her mission to offend everyone on Earth

Pope suggests killing people is a Very Bad Thing

November:

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Kim Kardashian’s arse dominated the headlines

December:

Daniel Craig’s sweater

Fairy tale banned for 'historical inaccuracy'

Reading the news so you don’t have to…