The news in brief 30th June 2014

The news in brief:

Study states the obvious: intimacy is good for your marriage

Microwaves will kill us all

Richie apparently a hard name to spell

News outlet indulges in a bit of cyberbullying

Man who should know better convicted of Very Bad Things

Operation Yewtree turns its attention on Great Uncle Bulgaria, Bungle, Mr Benn and Paddington Bear

Study suggests we eat too fucking much (or suggested serving sizes are too fucking small)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Doctors debate removing your free-will altogether

Giant jellyfish!!!

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Man says very sorry

Bunch of absolute tosspot wankers forget how to person

Breadfruit will save us all

Crazy whack-job gets some public money  

Pot calls kettle black

Fizzy drinks will kill us all

Most of the world still pretty hairy

Deadly terrorists portrayed as 80s cartoon supervillains

Terrible person gets what she wants after all

Festival goers are filthy bastards

Local council criminalises childhood

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

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The news in brief 29th June 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Pianist says what we’re all thinking

Footballer has tasty shoulder

Dinobots smash cinema good

Man passes gas

Very pregnant woman plans maternity leave

Man goes to popular festival

Woman gets tattoo

Paparazzi catches couple kissing IN PUBLIC!

Man has lunch

Woman dresses appropriately for the weather

Photographers catch actress eating

Performer performs performance

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears dress

Shocker: couple celebrates birthday – together!

Child of celebrity ages at astonishing rate of one second per second

Idle speculation about actor’s personal life

Outrage: festival attendee has the audacity to not straighten her hair

Reality TV star acts like a cunt, surprising no-one

Nudes in brief: Orlando Bloom

Newspaper approves of woman’s outfit

Newspaper disapproves of woman’s outfit

Skanky unmade bed for sale

Diana Watch 2014: she pays correct amount of taxes on her assets. Still dead.

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The news in brief 28th June 2014

The news in brief exclusive:

Dracula ‘tripped, fell and landed teeth-first’ onto the throat of that virgin girl, leaving a ‘small bruise’ on his cheek and a ‘strong pain in his fangs.’   

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The news in brief 26th June 2014

The news in brief:

Fruit juice will kill us all

Soft drinks will kill us all

Television will kill us all

But remember - sitting on a sofa for four hours reading is a-okay

Christmas is coming - here's the toys your kids 'need'

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Nanny state strikes again

Study suggests water is good for you

MP wants to read your emails

Organisation performs its basic function

The energy market will kill us all

Minor inconvenience reported as news

Iraq situation pretty fucking bad

South Sudan situation pretty hairy

Nigerian situation still pretty hairy

Ukraine situation still pretty fucking hairy

Basically the whole fucking planet is going to hell in a handbasket

Unsubstantiatable claims reported as fact

Compensation culture ruins another life

Shock: woman quite fond of her sister

Have you tried not raping people?!

The bees have totally got this covered

Nudes in brief: Abbey Clancy

Diana Watch 2014: shoe horned into another news story. Still dead.

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The news in brief 25th June 2014

The news in brief:

Dictator doesn't quite get free speech

Gollum-like monster probably not Gollum

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Fraudulent letters pretty fucking funny

Whimsical children's toys deemed antisocial

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

Nigeria situation pretty fucking bad

Taking the law into your own hands 'generally frowned upon'

Subtitles get a bit rapey 

Direct Debit guarantee not that hard to understand

Furby goes off the rails

Nudes in brief: Lea Michele

Diana Watch 2014: 'still' dead

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The news in brief 24th June 2014

The news in brief:

Beaurocracy: 1, Common sense: 0

Medieval justice system has wicked sense of humour

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Someone's been very naughty

PM very, very sorry

Shock: not everyone likes football

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Man photobombs the queen

Kids are hilarious

Controversial sportsman is controversial

'Ceasefire' apparently a difficult concept

Ukraine situation still pretty hairy

Nigerian situation still pretty hairy

Hover cars set to be a thing

Study states the obvious: smoking is bad for you

Research suggests cannabis probably not good for you

Hollywood decides to make 'beauty' even more unattainable

Turns out McDonald's is *not* an emergency

England not so good at the ol' fußball

Queen misses perfect photo op

Gigantic thundercunt forgets how to person

Nudes in brief: Ryan Seacrest

Diana Watch 2014: still 'dead'

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The news in brief 23rd June 2014

The news in brief:

Cave is pretty fucking special

Medieval morality buckles under international pressure

History set to repeat itself

Religion’s bodycount to mount

Ukraine situation a touch less hairy

Badgers are a thing again

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

More industry in the North will bring - wait for it - more industry in the North

Britain not so good at cricket-ing

Britain quite good at tennis-ing

Creepy sci-fi glasses go on sale

Economy still a bit shit

British army 'rubbish'

Bureaucracy: 1 Common sense: 0

Literally everything will give you cancer

Man really fucking shit at his job

People will complain about anything

Man states the obvious

Scotland gets a bit Children-of-Men

Nudes in brief: Vanessa Hudgens

We should totally mine the moon!

Diana Watch 2014: still pretty fucking dead

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The news in brief 22nd June 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Failure blamed on lack of spread

Man kicks ball

Man also kicks ball

England not so good at ball kicking

Football!

Man kicks ball with head

Women wear bikinis

Outrage: man still likes his partner

Straight people continue to undermine the sanctity of marriage

Woman dresses for the weather

Woman has legs

Man's private life is somehow our business

People who know each other drink drinks

Woman wears dress 

Newspaper disapproves of man's fashion choices

Shock: talented pianist and performer has tits

Paparazzi intrudes on family time

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Singer proud owner of stomach

Newspaper doesn't like woman drinking and smoking

Singer eats lunch

Woman dares to go outside in casual clothes

Nudes in brief: The Saturdays

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

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The news in brief 13th June 2014

The news in brief:

Whilst the world continues its descent into Hades, lets all stop to enjoy a the news in brief celebrity special:

Internet doesn’t like child's hair

Woman drives car

Newspaper indulges in a bit of cyberbullying

Woman wears dress

Woman proud owner of legs

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Nudes in brief: Jodie Marsh

Mismatched bikini is not news

Woman wears dress

Couple caught spending time together

Man goes to hair dressers - newspaper not impressed

Top a bit see-through

Model caught eating food

People dress appropriately for the weather

Wild speculation

Newspaper doesn't like woman's shoes

Paparazzi catches woman eating yogurt

pro tip: actress not the same person as character she portrays

Work place injury

Man does job he is paid for

Celebrity goes outside

Singer updates social media

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

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The news in brief 12th June 2014

The news in brief:

Radical suggestion you shouldn't have to be tolerant of intolerance

Intolerant fuckjobs impose their intolerance on others

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

#BritishValues: delayed trains

Come back the Mankini, all is forgiven

World cup clashes surprise no-one

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Study states the obvious: North-East folk speak funny

Football!

Exclusive: Big Brother still a thing but no-one seems to care

Cancer slowly but surely getting it arse kicked

Woman gets abuse on the Internet for having an opinion

Humans demonstrate once again that they are despicable thundercunts

Ukraine situation still pretty hairy

Nigerian situation still pretty hairy

Syrian situation still pretty hairy

Honour killings still a thing

Meanwhile Britain up in arms about free newspaper supplement

Pro tip: absence of evidence not the same as evidence of absence

So yeah, passport office backlogged then?!

Nudes in brief: Robyn Althasan

Summer looks set to be warmest season this year

London Mayor remains both mentalist and legend

Second bomb scare a little too close to home for the news in brief's comfort

Diana Watch 2014: 'still' dead

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The news in brief 11th June 2014:

The news in brief:

Statins will kill us all

Is one person who left it really late and one person *nearly*  inconvenienced really a crisis?!

Bottled water will kill us all

Passport office does look pretty backlogged (unless those are boxes of cupcakes, or staplers or bric-a-brac for the local jumble sale)

Coffee now good for your teeth

Lovelocks set to destroy bridges the world over

#BritishValues: chip butties

Good news for people too lazy to type properly

Bacon will kill us all

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Jobs market a bit less shit

Summer 'likely to be hot'

Family ruins perfectly nice house (but is it really a top story?)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Nudes in brief: Zoe Hardman

Woman doesn’t agree with your life choices

Ministry of Magic wades in on Scottish independence debate  

Diana Watch 2014: in all likelihood, still dead

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The news in brief 10th June 2014

The news in brief:

Tourists unaware of anything outside of London

#BritishValues: tea drinking

Gas cannister *not* a WWII bomb

Hippie peaceniks gonna get a soaking

Mad suggestion that we should move with the times

Bomb scare a little close to home for the news in brief's liking  

Old man celebrates birthday

Skynet is born (luckily she's a 13 year-old boy and English isn't her first language)

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

#BritishValues: queuing

What kind of thundercunt steals from a little old lady?!

Attention seeking hyper-bitch still trying to offend everyone in the known universe

Pro tip: have you tried not speeding?!

Man likes bees a bit too much

#BritishValues: hating the government whilst simultaneously wanting them to run our essential utilities

Study states the obvious: acting like a cunt gets you attention

Cracks start to show in newspaper's love affair with supermarket

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Octopuses are actually pretty smart

Supermarket a touch heavy-handed

#BritishValues: complaining about the weather

Nudes in brief: James Argent (whoever that is?!)

Richard Branson-like sea monster appears 

#BritishValues: chicken parmo

Science is pretty fucking awesome: orgasm nasal gel

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

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The news in brief 9th June 2014:

The news in brief:

More human beings murdered in the name of invisible sky wizard

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Concepts understood by 8 year-olds apparently hard to grasp by gun-toting adults

Breaking news: media still has nothing to report

Newsflash: life in rogue-state's prison camp 'proper shit'

Study states the obvious: ancient men beat seven tonnes of shit out of each other 

It's not really 'competition' if one side has to jump through half a billion extra hoops first

Health and fucking safety

BBC manages to report on nothing for an hour and a half

Wild speculation continues

Turns out guns really do kill people 

Actor heckles audience

Economy a bit less shit

Mad suggestion that postmen should deliver things

Homeless charity suggests people should climb down from their ivory towers and think before screaming and shouting on the Internet

Human being dangerously stupid

Group of homophobic thundercunts need to be found and imprisoned for a very long time

Actor to star in film

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Elevator ride FROM HELL!

Arsehole teacher forgets how to person

Nudes in brief: Ferne McCann

Outrageous revelation: padlocks have mass

Diana Watch 2014: 'still dead'

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The news in brief 8th June 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Woman engages in legal activity in her own time

Two consenting adults cuddle

Woman wears dress

Family celebrates a birthday

Woman wears bikini

Pet owner pets pet

Female sport star actually celebrated for her achievement (we're as surprised as you are)

Paparazzi catches two adults kissing

Man leaves venue at the end of the night

Woman eats lunch (how dare she?!)

Celebrity has audacity to wear comfortable shoes

Woman has legs

Man not an arsehole

Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty

Newsflash: single straight man appreciates women

Gigantic dickhead surprises no-one

Outrage: woman's shirt slightly see-through

Nudes in brief: Grace Andrews

Shock: pregnant woman's body has changed shape

Model models

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

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The news in brief 7th June 2014

The news in brief:

Ghostbusters is 30 years old today and it's like the best film ever. You don't need bile, sarcasm and swearing.  You need to go watch Ghostbusters.  That is all.

Knowing who ya' gonna call so you don't have to...

The news in brief 6th June 2014

The news in brief D-Day special:






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The news in brief 5th June 2014

The news in brief:

Man not wearing gorilla costume

Facts have literally spoiled a good story

New police car designed by five-year-old

Dying teenager demonstrates that not all humans are ignorant, bile-spewing hate-mongers

Hysteria: air pollution causes autism

Giant flying squirrel discovered

Study states the obvious: sheep are not goats

World leader a bit sexist

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

US looking for software that can identify irony

Turns out London is a JCB graveyard

Man struggles to throw ball

Man’s inhumanity to man shows no sign of stopping

Necronomicon found in Harvard University library

Animal abuse is neither funny or entertaining

Terrible human being forgets how to person

Man is ignorant, bile-spewing hate-monger

Minister tries to bribe the Scottish with fried food

Horrible bitch gets what’s coming to her

Have you tried not parking illegally?!

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’ 

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Breaking news

Breaking news: social experiment suggests human beings are horrible people

The news in brief 4th June 2014:

The news in brief:

Woman clearly passionate about ice cream

Fracking will save us all

Plastic bags cause a stir on the Internet

Fracking will kill us all

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Queen carries out mostly ceremonial duty

Man tries to smuggle tyrannosaurus across the border

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Can a sniffer dog even identify a scent after 7 years?

Obama: master of diplomacy

Brazil prepares dystopian sci-fi army ready for the world cup

Article suggests that university not the same as school

Is David Cameron fracking under your house right now?

Hysteria: killer bees are coming!

‘Removing GCSE’ not the same as ‘not teaching it any more.’ People outraged anyway.

Three-parent babies poke the nation's moral outrage glands

Pro-tip: do not piss off someone driving a 14 ton vehicle

Nudes in brief: Kendall Jenner

School rules a bit heavy handed

Bureaucracy: 1, common sense: 0

Amazing graffiti is pretty amazing

House nothing like Hobbit Hole

Ignorance apparently a defence now?!

Diana Watch 2014: plans to her house found in journalist’s house. still dead.

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The news in brief 3rd June 2014

The news in brief:

Medieval justice system wants to snatch the kids too

Turns out guns do kill people

French PM will probably skip pudding

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Pope states the obvious: cats are not children

Economic recovery a bit wank

18,000 inmates promise to behave

Biscuit Spread is a thing now

Giant octopus causes havoc in Oxford Circus

Study states the obvious: fat people have fat babies

Eggs are apparently a plant now

Newspaper not so hot at spell checking

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace

Hysteria!

The Internet will kill us all

Newspaper helpfully highlights illegal football pitch

Parents outraged by website's entirely hypothetical plans

Nudes in brief: Rihanna

New planet probably not all that Earth-like

Internet still not down with that whole ‘gays are people too’ jive

Blue light will kill us all

Miracle drug beats the shit out of cancer

Diana Watch 2014: someone hit on her in 1987. Still dead.

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The news in brief 2nd June 2014:

The news in brief:

Dairy products give you cancer

People like Star Wars

Dyson's design a bit like Google Glass (but rubbish at vacuuming)

Dairy products probably not linked to autism

Study states the obvious: children who eat vegetables eat vegetables

Eco-nutjobs at it again

Exclusive: football stadium kinda looks like a vagina

Religion chalks up another kill

Medieval justice system apologises for the confusion but they will be killing new mum

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Old man retires

Unverifiable allegations not being investigated by police

Bad parenting is bad

The Internet is going to kill us all (in a fortnight)

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Don’t go to university – live at home until you can buy a house then get knocked up instead

77 year-old man tells it like it is

Straight people continue to ruin the sanctity of marriage

Sketch artists possibly a bit biased

Man fails at yacht

Pot calls kettle black

Marvel wishes it had thought of Goat Rider first

Nudes in brief: a literal boat load of potential Miss Englands

Remember: freedom is the right of all sentient beings. Unless you’re a woman and other women don’t agree

Diana Watch 2014:  Probably not psychic. Still dead.

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Breaking news

Breaking news: government would like to make it clear that it will not be releasing a living, breathing, thinking, feeling human being from prison for daring to believe in a slightly different invisible skywizard and any statements to the contrary were taken out of context…  

The news in brief 1st June 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Internet outraged because pop star used naughty word 3 years ago

Internet doesn’t care that naughty word dropped ten thousands times by rap stars since

Men go shirtless at the beach

Shock: straight males interested in women sexually

Being gay isn’t news

Recently married couple not smiling for the paparazzi

Photographers intrude on couple’s date

Comedian is neither footballer nor master of disguise

Family goes outside together

Woman wears bikini

Homeowner takes bins out

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Scandal: woman has breasts

Woman wears dress

Newspaper doesn’t like woman’s clothes

Cleavage is not news

Consenting adults allegedly perform legal act

Newspaper expresses concern that celebrity couple are still together

Woman wears dress  

Relatives share a slightly-greater-than-passing resemblance

Woman wears hat

Actress eats pastry

Woman has an oochie

Diana Watch 2014: couldn’t be fucked to check the Express. Assume dead.

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