The news in brief 28th February 2013:

The news in brief:

 

News confirms what we already knew

More wintery weather expected this winter

Horrific monsters from the abyss!

Woman fond of ketchup

Ukraine getting a bit hairy

Got milk? Not any more.

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Medieval morality LIVE on the Internet

Fruit juice will kill us all

Misleading headline

Outrage: butcher sells meat

Nudes in brief: Rihanna

Natures should be mangled because people can’t read signs

Deadly pseudo-science full of shit

Attention-seeking hyperbitch indulges in a little hypocrisy

Bellenden Gardens looks like a bit like a penis on Google maps

People like TV show

There’s poop everywhere

Legitimate word used on Countdown

Badgers score moral victory

Reports suggests gays are people too

Public doesn’t need to wait for silly thing like ‘trials’

Diana Watch 2014: Apparently she had a make-over in the 19-FUCKING-80’s. Still pretty dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 26th and 27th February 2014:

The news in brief:

EU not so hot at percentages

Peppermint is a gateway drug

MPs have never actually met any children

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Study suggests the British are thoroughly British

Shock: Banker makes money

New Star Wars film to feature 'Darth Vader-like character'

Insensitive bitch offends entire universe

Baying public blissfully unaware of the irony

Hyperbole taken to new extremes

Man cracks one out at work

English are not dirty cheaters

Crazy science fiction about to become reality

Not all humans suck

Religious types up in arms about music videos

Bastion of morality advertises hardcore porn

There are lots of planets in space

Britain is not America

Country's economy in the shitter

Bank loses taxpayer money (has anyone looked down the back of the sofa)

Northern Lights come for a stottie and a brown ale

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Still having some weather

Tits

Man has cookbooks IN HIS KITCHEN!

Hilarious admin balls up

False widows will kill us all!

Garage forecourts owed a bit of an apology

Railway takes a dump on gran’s clean washing

PC brigade spoils harmless fun for everyone


Diana Watch 2014: all signs point to dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 25th February 2014

The news in brief:

 

Man breaks local by-law – let off with warning

Man makes poor life choice

Satellite photography surprises no-one

News outlet about five years behind everyone else

Relationship breakdown is somehow our business now  

Still having some weather

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Shameless filler

Phone hacking pretty obviously illegal

Sat-Navs user fails to apply common sense

UK has poor posture

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

0.026% of viewers offended

GOLD!

Woman goes out with wet hair

72% of London’s homeless NOT from Eastern Europe

Second awesome pilot of the week

ATM Receipts will kill us all

‘Hidden’ sugars pretty visible on the labels

Woman doesn’t conform to society’s narrow definition of beauty (but not a derogatory comment to be found?!)

Not all humans suck

Everyone loves a singing cat

Bizarre survival story

Nudes in brief: Jasmine Lennard 

Diana Watch 2014: Kate to have a kinda-sorta similar trip to Australia. Pretty much just an excuse to keep her in the news. Still dead.  

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 24th February 2014

The news in brief:

Earth loses an actor; Heaven gains a collection of spores and fungus

Olympics probably not fixed

Girl doesn’t live up to society’s impossible standards

Pilot good at his job

News outlet about five weeks behind everyone else

Minor inconvenience forces people to talk to each other

Business makes money

Study states the obvious

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Fan has too much time on his hands

Adverts are news now?

Man unhappy with terms and conditions

Media always happy to indulge in a spot of blackmail

Two women look slightly similar

Man’s distant ancestors have no impact on his beliefs

Story has surprise twist

Vegetables are good for you

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspaper wins award for most tasteless diagram ever

Prince Philip still awesome

Nudes in brief: Jasmine Waltz    

Man ready for Greenhill Zone

Woman alters her face for bullies

You-know-who case in the papers again, despite no new information

Love finds a way

Diana Watch 2014: probably still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 23rd February 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Man with nothing else to do works out a lot

Woman conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Hot places are hot

Woman spends money

Former athlete hasn’t chubbed out

Woman wears dress

Singer wears comfortable clothes

Side boob!

Actress attends sporting event

Famous person updates social media

Different woman wears dress

Recently dumped woman looks less than happy

Another woman wears dress

Nudes in brief: Lucy Watson

Man goes back to his job

Singers told to stop shaking her arse

Pop pixie thinks he’s above the law

Yet another woman wears dress

New neighbours don’t want pop weasel fucking up their community

Woman likes her job

Innocent man wants job back

Singer in wig-related scandal

Man conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman wears dress

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 22nd February 2014

The news in brief:

My word, what a bleak and miserable day! Basically, people are killing each other - or at least shitting on each other from a great height - everywhere you look. I have spent ages scouring all of the usual news outlets trying to find a gentle, fun or uplifting story for today’s ‘The news in brief: Extra’ but I’ve drawn a blank.

Please use the comments section below (you’ll need to visit the Facebook page www.facebook.com/thenewsinbrief if you’re reading this on Blogger) to post links to any Good News stories in your local areas and let’s try and cheer things up a bit.

Reading the news, but you still have to…

The news in brief 21st February 2014

The news in brief:

Entrepreneurial girl-scout knows exactly what’s-what

Terrifying robots are going to kill us all

People in Norway are pretty all right

Grieving man’s misery is apparently news now

GIANT CAT!

Man’s inhumanity to man calms down again

Man’s inhumanity to kitty cats continues apace

Equal rights still difficult for some people to grasp

MEGA-BROTHEL!

Poorly-worded headline

Worst. Courtroom drawing. Ever.

Tetris is good for you

Study reveals that call centres sometimes have queues

University suggests warmer weather will (somehow) cause crime wave

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Drugs are bad for you

Death row inmates like tasty food

Awesome sci-fi gun!

Government proposes pretty Bad Idea (The news in brief does not approve)

Maybe millions of graduates just believe what they’ve been told    

Study states the obvious

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 20th February 2014

The news in brief:

Earthquake affects no-one (crocodile not a suspect)

Man has opinion on subject that directly affects him

David Bowie not actually from Mars

Man’s inhumanity to man picks up right where it left off

2014’s ‘shortest ceasefire award’ changes hands

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Rejected applicant has last laugh

Economy a bit less shit (unless you’re a homeowner)

Art is not rubbish

Man takes his baby OUTSIDE!

Health and fucking safety

Nudes in brief: Lara Stone

Man’s inhumanity to animals continues apace

Police getting somewhere with ‘you-know-who’

People swear on the Internet (no fucking shit)

Study states the obvious

Newspaper can’t do maths

Medieval morality strikes again

Terrifying toy will scar your children for life

Vandals use guerilla tactics to honour Olympic gold        

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still’ dead

Study reveals what every 13 year-old girl already knows

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 19th February 2014

The news in brief:

Stars dress like whores

Patrick Stewart is NOT gay  

Patrick Stewart IS fabulous

Study states the obvious: fast food is bad for you

Athletes judged by their make-up (rather than their athletics)

Busybody buys lots of shirts

Nudes in brief: Kelly Brook

Website forgets to put story under the headline

People like David Bowie

Economy a bit less shit

Man’s inhumanity to man abates a bit (for now)

Living on Mars declared ‘bad for your health’

Band members beaten for suggesting equal rights might be nice

Anxiety is bad for you

Airline security a smidge heavy handed

90% of new jobs in 2013 didn’t go to Romanians and Bulgarians

Offensive voicemail a touch unprofessional

Newspaper discovers website we all found in 2007…

Religion’s bodycount through the roof

Insurer surprises no-one

Politician may be a bit corrupt

Hidden wang found in 23 year-old cartoon (maybe)

Diana Watch 2014: her eating habits revealed. Still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 18th February 2014

The news in brief:

Awesome woman tells humanity to blow its narrow definition of beauty right out of its collective arse

Costa lover goes out in style

Wardrobe malfunction on ice

Everyone can look great with photoshop

Blurry, indistinctive shadow probably not a ghost

Paranoid yogurt-knitters delay Really Practical Idea   

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Russian pop band suggests everyone should have the same rights  

Religion’s bodycount through the roof

The goddamned ground is going to devour us all!

Brave little man demonstrates REAL courage  

Science will kill us all!

Nudes in brief: Kate Upton

News outlet runs the same story twice

Apparently a sticker saying £1 is somehow misleading…  

Doctor not so hot at counting

Your house is going to kill you!

Guns are sexist

Denmark suggests stunning something before you slit its throat is a Good Idea

Bacon is going to kill you!

Awesome dude shows us that not everybody on earth is a raging thundercunt

News outlet runs the same story twice

Singers says what we’re all thinking

Diana Watch 2014: still ‘dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

  

The news in brief 17th February 2014

The news in brief^:

Still recovering from last week’s IT fuckup, but better late than never – it’s a The news in brief celebrity special:

Consenting adults may or may not be dating

Woman almost steps in puddle

TV ‘personality’ conforms to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Man notices half-naked woman

Woman wears shorts!

Woman wears hat!

Woman wears blouse!

Celebrities have similar hand bags

Singer not wearing jewellery

TV ‘personality’ doesn’t conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman caught not wearing make-up

Man wears jacket!

Actress caught buying ready meals!

Woman’s hair and make up not up to media’s exacting standards

Professional attention-seeker promotes something shocking

Man high-fives man

Royal has sense of humour

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman eats a hamburger!

Actress gets coffee

Actors go home AFTER Baftas finish (I’d have thought it more newsworthy had they stayed behind in an empty theatre applauding an imaginary Stephen Fry?)

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to…  

  

  

The news in brief 16th February 2014

A The news in brief exposé:   

Four weeks ago our 18 week-old baby was inadvertently exposed to about 45 minutes of Grand Theft Auto 5. We’re pretty sure he was just attracted to the bright colours and shapes, but what if the media is right? What if evil video game demons were planting demented thoughts into his developing mind…

Being concerned parents we’ve being watching his every move and so far he hasn’t:

Destroyed a mansion

Mugged anyone

Played tennis

Stolen a car

Shot anyone with a automatic weapon

Swam

Evaded the police

Beat up a hooker

Punched anyone

Robbed a shop

Planned a heist

Murdered anyone 

He has however:

Sicked up everywhere

Dribbled on everything

Pooped a lot

So if you value your carpets and soft furnishings, keep your children away from violent computer games

Debunking the bullshit so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 15th February 2014

Saturday is usually a day for a lazy The news in brief post, you know, where I find one funny story, post a link and let the news laugh at itself. But since my treacherous laptop decided to betray me on Tuesday and Wednesday, I thought I'd throw an extra one in today:

The news in brief: 

 

Millions of men's hearts broken

Business woman challenges antiquated mindset 

Kinky books surprisingly popular

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace 

United Nations mediator needs a pot of coffee and a Red Bull 

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

German PM suggests 'privacy a Good Thing.'

Looks like we're going to have some more weather

Church still bothered by the gays

News website engages in another round of cyberbullying 

 British good at one event 

Sinkhole! 

Bedraggled rabble-rouser can't see contradiction in his argument

 

Journalist elevated to legendary status    

BBC helps wreck a nice beach

People act like pricks on the Internet 

Paper suggests building new homes in the flooded areas might not be very bright 

Neknominate attracting the barbaric and the cruel 

Rubbish boyfriends bitch on Twitter about their First World problems

Russia suggest pimping children is a Bad Thing

Men victims of medieval morality 

Diana Watch 2014: her stuff's in Cincinnati. She's still dead. 

Reading the news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 14th February 2014

The news in brief:

Love (and wind and rain) is in the air

Website has same news as yesterday

Woman damages body in the name of fashion

Missing girl trending worldwide, despite no new information

Really old man dies of natural causes

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Science is fucking awesome

Wealthy tax dodging monolith has its say on welfare   

United Nations states the obvious

Killer robot lends a hand

Political correctness gone mad

Outrage as weather doesn't acknowledge school holidays

Reasonable suggestion blown out of all proportions

More bullshit from the yogurt-knitters

European Union ‘not responsible for the weather’

Study states the fucking obvious

Bad men told to stop it and behave

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspaper pushes it’s not-so-subtle agenda

Ironic injury!

Research suggests people enjoy poos

Diana Watch 2014: seriously, The Express, aren't you just a bit overdue?!

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

   

The news in brief 13th February 2014

The news in brief:

Media reinforces gender stereotypes

Princess basically can’t win

News engages in a bit of cyberbullying

Tragic life ends life tragically

Outrage as council does as requested

Megastorm set to give way to Gigastorm

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Giant pump story not as funny as I thought it would be…

Second giraffe faces cull. Millions of cows, sheep and chickens question where their petitions are

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Bristol crocodile hasn’t claimed housing benefits (yet)

Treasury surprises no-one

Article states the obvious

UK returns to the nineteen-eighties

Mugger literally falls for the oldest trick in the book

Kid tells biggest lie ever!

Courts work their way through soap opera

Internet doesn’t care about silly things like ‘verdicts’ and ‘juries’

Health and safety madness

Newspaper makes all women sound like prostitutes  

Diana Watch 2014: film was rubbish. Also still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief 12th February 2014

No news in brief tonight due to ongoing IT issues. We are blaming the Megastorm. All hail the Megastorm.

The news in brief 11th February 2014

No The news in brief tonight due to *ahem* 'technical issues.' Sorry.

The news in brief 10th February 2014

The news in brief:

Winter Olympics too hot

Winter Olympics too cold

Winter Olympics just right (for the Netherlands)

Samuel L Jackson eats news anchor for breakfast

Laurence Fishburne *doesn’t* eat news anchor for breakfast

Home Office suspends cheating bastards

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Business makes money

Ceasefire apparently difficult concept to grasp

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Turns out in-app purchases can be disabled. Who knew?!

All smokers are dirty monsters

South of England still getting pummelled by floods

People blame government

Government blames environment agency

Environment agency blames Mother Nature

Mother Nature unavailable for comment

Actor probably just wants some attention

Study states the obvious – vegetable is good for you

Mr T was right all along!

France probably still baffled

Diana Watch 2014: actor talks about dancing with her 29 years ago. Still dead

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief extra

The news in brief extra:

Sometimes, just sometimes, the actual news is insane enough, that The news in brief team don't need to do anything to make it ridiculous:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/penguins-given-antidepressants-to-cope-with-the-british-weather-9114953.html

Enjoy.

The news in brief 9th February 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Whole family goes out TOGETHER

Woman lives up to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Man lives up to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Woman dyes hair

80’s sportsmen still inexplicably in the public eye

Shock: woman’s hair affected by wind

Paparazzi invade human being’s privacy

Outrage: woman wears comfortable clothes on long haul flight

Stop the presses: woman wears mismatched bikini top and bottoms

One celebrity looks vaguely like another

Parent stops to buy food

Paparazzi intrudes on family day out

Woman has legs

Actress goes for a jog

Newspaper engages in a bit of cyberbullying

Actress goes out WITHOUT make-up

Woman wears same dress TWICE

Man pumps his OWN petrol

Man wears hat

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to…    

The news in brief extra

The news in brief extra:

Sometimes, just sometimes, the actual news is insane enough, that The news in brief team don't need to do anything to make it hilarious:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26101442

Enjoy.

The news in brief 7th February 2014

The news in brief:

Gays not so happy about the whole Russia thing

Channel 4 does its job (for a change)

Google voices its not-so-subtle opinion

Rainbows and unicorns strike back!  

Canada tells it like it is

Comedian tells it like it is

Ironically, Sochi opening ceremony was fabulous

In other news…

US dog captured by Taliban

‘We love you, we can work it out’ UK to Scotland

Dog survives blast

Public suggests government not responsible for weather

Religion’s body count continues to mount

Grieving family apparently make great headlines

People are pricks on the Internet

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Public suggest government responsible for weather

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Reading the news, so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 6th February 2014

The news in brief:

Shock horror: celebrities fake it

The Queen has a bit of money

Study states the obvious: fruit is good for you

Old man is ill

Bristol crocodile still at large (possibly seeking housing benefit)

Singers whore it up for music video

Man declared not guilty (Internet doesn’t care)

Weather still kicking UK’s arse

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Figures suggest working might be good for economy after all

Man takes law into own hands (and gets away with it!)

(Wo)man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Not sure why poor people can’t recycle carrier bags?

Nottingham has no sense of humour

Diana Watch 2014: she hasn’t been in the news for like, three days

Man’s dental work is news now

New study flogs dead horse (again)

Man (with tenuous link to public figure) arrested

Nudes in brief: Millie Mackintosh

United Kingdom a bit less united

‘Woman goes topless in shower’ – aren’t you meant to take your bottoms off too?

Reading the midweek news, so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 5th February 2014

The news in brief:

German sense of humour a bit hit-and-miss

Doctor states the obvious

London Taxi drivers score for overtime

Woman’s skirt length is news now?

Probiotic yogurts probably not all that good for you

Babies are weird

Weather still a bit shit

Bird flu’s back

Mask wearers still unaware of irony

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount

Bristol crocodile still hasn’t integrated or learned English

Olympic hotels ‘a bit shit’

Breast cancer victims belittled

Remember kids: healthy snacks are more important than education

Actress fails to smile 24/7

Man tells it like it is on Facebook

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Headline implies console had something to do with it

Evil plan backfires

Pop star is a total and utter prick (allegedly)

Science is awesome!

Study states the obvious: snacking is bad for you

Diana Watch 2014: ‘still dead’

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 4th February 2014

The news in brief:

Pixilation fail

Motivational abuse for sale

Man’s inhumanity to man continues apace

Newspaper unable to find long-lost proof reader

Horrible family looks exactly how you’d imagine

Crop circles appear in footballer’s hair

UKIP needs to start checking people’s references

Pot calls kettle black

Attention-seeking hyperbitch continues mission to offend everyone on Earth

Crocodile in Bristol (benefits status unknown)

Happy Birthday popular social media website who hosts my blog for free

Man makes poor life decision

Fracking probably not worth it

Diana Watch 2014: still dead

Space is totally kicking rad

Study states the obvious

‘Boys will be boys’ used to mean hair-pulling and scrumping (ask your dad)

North of England scoops fat bastard award

Upstanding dude shows world how to #NekNominate

Smoking toddler

Public outrage at see-through windows

Religion’s bodycount continues to mount (but no-one cares today because someone famous died)

Reading the news so you don’t have to…

The news in brief 3rd February 2014

The news in brief:

Racist bigots offended by beverage

US citizens fail to identify National Anthem

News in brief upset it didn't make SuperbOwl joke first

Mad suggestion that mental health should be taken seriously

Robots are NOT responsible for you shoplifting

Media adopts controversial 'guilty until proven innocent' stance

Good idea immediately dismissed as 'a bit Tory'

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Fans excited about things not actually shown in trailer

Audience member suggests attention-seeking hyperbitch shuts her mouth

Man's inhumanity to man continues apace 

Diana Watch 2014: still pretty dead

Crazy suggestion that being paid a living wage might be a Good Idea

Graduate suggests job is beneath them LIVE ON AIR

Idiotic game claims its first victims 

Sport interupts best adverts of the year 

Britain still having some weather 

Giants rats are coming to eat YOUR babies 

73 year-old is tougher than you

Reading the news so you don't have to...

 

The news in brief 2nd February 2014

The news in brief celebrity special:

Fictional wizard should have broken the bro code

Stuff happens in soap opera

Pregnant mum has job

People like Star Wars

Internet gets judgemental pretty quickly

Dress is a bit racy

Woman wears clothes

Woman doesn’t wear clothes

Child plays with outdoor toys inside

Woman’s hair cut criticised

Will no-one let Taylor Swift finish?!

Newspaper indulges in a bit of Schadenfreude

Knickers are news now

Paparazzi intrude on family day out

Woman wears trousers

Royal likes éclairs just like everyone else

Woman doesn’t conform to media’s narrow definition of beauty

Man buys car

Definition of ‘matching’ stretched to breaking

Cleavage!

Woman dresses for the weather

Reading the ‘news’ so you don’t have to…  

The news in brief exclusive

Exclusive news: high street chain not so hot at discounting...

The news in brief extra

The news in brief extra:

Sometimes, just sometimes, the actual news is insane enough, that The news in brief team don't need to do anything to make it wonderful:

http://metro.co.uk/2014/02/01/biker-rides-through-pearly-gates-after-being-buried-atop-his-harley-davidson-4286664/

Enjoy.

Breaking news

Breaking news: country shits all over women's human rights