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Thursday 31 October 2013

The news in brief 31st October 2013

The news in brief:

HAPPY HALLOWE'EN FROM THE NEWS IN BRIEF!

Not reading the news and neither are you...

Wednesday 30 October 2013

The news in brief 30th October 2013

The news in brief:

Diana Watch Day 51: SHE SPEAKS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!!!

How can I top that?

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Tuesday 29 October 2013

The news in brief 29th October 2013

The news in brief::

Bit of pot / kettle in high places

Size 12 is apparently 'plus-sized' now

Woman wears trousers

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Singer may or may not have a new boyfriend

Actress wears coat

Kung-fu pensioner

Deplorable fuckends: 6

Celebrity drinks a milkshake!

Misleading headline belittles family tragedy

Diana Watch, day 50: still 'dead'

English still terribly English

The future is literally shit!

Undercover cops should probably stop fucking suspects

Unmanned drone heroically bombs target

Genuine line of enquiry 'libel' now

Bunch of pensioners' opinion is apparently news

Website states the obvious

Reading the news so you don't have to....

Monday 28 October 2013

The news in brief 28th October 2013

The news in brief:

4 confirmed fatalities

Homes destroyed

625,000 families without power

Twitter users crack jokes about it

US a bit red-faced

Deplorable shitcunts: 8

Diana Watch, day 49: 'pretty sure she's dead'

Man 'fucking stupid'

Thing cost more in other countries

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Opinion piece states the obvious

News website reads our Terms and Conditions for us

Celebrity's jumper rides up a bit

Mediocre TV show gets a reboot

PM states the obvious

Singer doesn't wear make up

Newspaper's love affair with Aldi continues

Woman apparently not entitled to her opinion

Drugs are bad for you

Things cost less in other countries

Family break up our business now

Think tanks states the obvious

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Sunday 27 October 2013

Breaking news

Breaking news: we're going to have some weather... 

The news in brief 27th October 2013:

The news in brief celebrity special:

No-one injured in minor prang

Newly engaged woman shows off ring

Family exercises together

Man and woman may or may not be couple

Family takes a holiday

News reader did something legal years ago

Woman wears dress

Professional saucepot whores it up again

Pregnant couple excited

Stop the press: two women who know each other go to same party

Woman does not live up to newspaper's narrow definition of beauty

Older woman does live up to newspaper's narrow definition of beauty

Man has muscles

Man goes to work

Shock: Paparazzi photographs celebrity wearing scruffy clothes

Little boy wears superhero tee-shirt

Wondering why any of this shit is news so you don't have to...

The news in brief 26th October 2013

The news in brief how-cute-are-they special:
Baby ducklings play on a water slide

Going awwwwwwwww so you don't have to...

Saturday 26 October 2013

Friday 25 October 2013

The news in brief 25th October 2013

The news in brief:

Light transit railways upsets all of Tyne and Wear 

You-know-who still missing

Scotland's economy lives to fight another day 

Diana Watch, day 46: 'still dead'

Great British public remembers about the badgers 

Things are kinda looking up 

Think-tank states the obvious

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Top doctor suggests nanny state

Murdering bastard imprisoned  

Opinions divided: bitches stop fucking

Watson and Crick strike again 

Another non-abduction abduction 

Hereditary titles splash baby with magic water

House for sale 

Deplorable Horsefuckers: 4

Man plans on retiring 

We're going to have some weather 

Woman doesn't wear make up

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Thursday 24 October 2013

The news in brief 24th October 2013

The news in brief in-a-not-too-distant-future special:

US city goes bankrupt

Old Detroit franchised to amoral corporation

Enforcement droid unveiled

Board member killed in tragic accident

Bank robbery - money burned

Man flung at police car

Police corner gang in old iron factory

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Policewoman wounded

Policeman killed

Amoral corporation releases cyborg policeman

Diana Watch, day 7300: hopefully dead this time

Cyborg policeman cleans up city

Cyborg policeman storms meth lab - conspiracy uncovered

Dead or alive you're coming with me

Robot throw down ruins corporate building

Murdered father avenges himself

Terrible sequels

Wishing I was watching Robocop so you don't have to....
 

Wednesday 23 October 2013

The news in brief 23rd October 2013


The news in brief:

Newspaper spreads racial intolerance

British public already made up its mind about ethnic group it just learned about 

Arachnid invasion! 

No you-know-who stories today

Pretty baker is pretty smart too

Baby christened

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Bigoted police might be a touch overzealous 

Family thankful to Watson and Crick 

Stuff in space is pretty far away 

Christened child has god parents 

Deplorable horsefucker count: 7

Apparently people's tweets count as news now 

Diana Watch, day 45: still 'dead' 

Hypersensitive airbags scupper cars 

MPs make knee-jerk decisions 

Paparazzi intrudes on father/son moment 

Paparazzi intrudes on mother/daughter moment 

Model whores it up a bit 

Reading the news so you don't have to... 

  





Tuesday 22 October 2013

The news in brief 22nd October 2013

The news in brief:

Wait, I though a 14-year-old couldn't be predatory?!

Business takes flack for not parenting for us

Politician ignores facts

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Armchair baking aficionados freak out

You-know-who still missing

Inflammatory hate wagons a 'bad idea'

Diana Watch, day 44: still pretty dead

Old lady has a day out

CONSUME! Your tablet PC just isn't thin enough anymore

Nation reverts to bronze aged morality

Steroids are bad, mmmkay

News website puts 'graphic content' warning after graphic content

News pundit does a little sick in mouth

Idiot is jailed for fucking stupidy

Man makes profit on house sale

(this is even less newsworthy when the news yesterday was that house prices were up...)

Some celebrities do some everyday stuff

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Monday 21 October 2013

The news in brief 21st October 2013



The news in brief 21st October 2013:

Nuclear power plant will solve all of our problems

Scientists find cure for distinguishedness

Nuclear power plant will ruin us all

You-know-who still missing

Fracking seems like small potatoes now, huh?

Tasty apples more popular than sour bastards

Social media giant suggests people need to see shit in order to condemn it

House prices are up - hooray!

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Tragic council fuck up

US president has ninja reflexes

Diana Watch, day 43: still pretty dead

Another business doesn't know how Twitter works

House prices are up - booooo!

Celebrities wear monster make up for Hallowe'en

Exercise is good for you

Professional tart whores it up again

Woman wears a dress


Reading the news so you don't have to...

Sunday 20 October 2013

The news in brief 20th October 2013

The news in brief celebrity special:

Barbie looks different without her make up

Woman wears trousers

TV show gets a new series

Website confuses product promotion for news

Paparazzi thinks holiday maker's tits are our business

Dancer releases calender

Newspaper confuses product promotion for news

Sexually active, breeding-aged woman pregnant

Woman goes jogging

Two unrelated woman wear kinda similar dresses

Newspaper stretches definition of 'same'

Woman has big handbag

Latin dancing is a bit racy

Musician states the obvious

Man does his job

Overblown, saccharine, nauseating, karaoke teen drama pretty much condones drug abuse

Overblown, saccharine, nauseating, karaoke teen drama set to finish

Action man looks different with make up

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Saturday 19 October 2013

The news in brief 19th October 2013

The news in brief who-gives-a-shit special:

Driving instructor doesn't recognise Adele

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Breaking news

Breaking news: Internet journalists say mean things about women's dresses.

Friday 18 October 2013

The news in brief 18th October 2013

The news in brief:

Vote to divide our Great Nation (and pocket £1.30 per week)

Scotland might have to start paying for prescriptions mind.

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Study suggests babies like peekaboo

You-know-who still missing

Intolerant bigot takes to the streets

Twins are not the same person 

Diana Watch, day 40: We checked Wikipedia, still dead

MP suggest we should look after each other

Missing girl found, but newspaper makes it all about you-know-who...

Boris Johnson is not responsible for bicycle accidents any more than Halfords is. Dumb fucks

Prime Minister doesn't mention jumpers

Newspaper apparently hasn't read the Encyclopaedia Britannica page about False Widow spiders

Woman shops at Poundland

Drugged up megafan attacks director whose films keep their favourite franchise going. Irony lost 

Autumnal weather forecast

Celebrity couple splits

Someone finally asked pregnant MP her opinion

Singer eats a sweet

Remember - it's okay to bully gingers (apparently)

Paper fawns over youthful megastar

Aged celebrity looks pretty old to me

Woman wears neutral colours

Headline announces England team's 'secret weapon'

Definition of 'secret' becomes lost in translation

Plebgate - don't say sorry unless you mean it

Crimean Astrophysical Observatory says 1:63000 odds asteroid might hit us.

NASA says no

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Thursday 17 October 2013

The news in brief 17th October 2013

The news in brief:

Attention seeking hyper-bitch is at it again

Deplorable thundercunt steals, defrauds, then cripples a charity

Man eats chicken in Nandos

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Pregnant woman stands up for a bit

Diana Watch, day 39: 'still' dead

Dysfunctional school is dysfunctional

You-know-who still missing

Policeman doesn't arrest man for not breaking the law

Business transaction occurs

Shit parents are shits

Woman wears bikini

Psychic predicts her own predictable death

Businesses compete for business

Self-righteous pricks confess crimes on TV

Woman goes for brunch

The Yeti might just be real!

Man catches fish

Celebrity releases book

Utility company has apparently never used Twitter before

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Breaking news

Breaking news: attention seeking hyperbitch is at it again

Wednesday 16 October 2013

The news in brief 16th October 2013

The news in brief:

America decides to play nice.

World's economy climbs down from the ceiling

Diana Watch, day 38: still 'dead'

Feminist group argues for woman to be treated differently

Men are evil and are the source of all crime

More people have jobs - UK still not happy

Brits are cheeky buggers

Woman wears boots

Standing up is good for you

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

You-know-who still missing

Woman had a shit job once

Crime Lords promise to be dicks

Family has more kids than they can afford

Great British public really hate pretty baker

Man cuts off own nose to spite face

Determined not to give companies money - by leeching off other people

Paparazzi intrude on family moment

Celeb wears slutty dress

Model whips her top off again

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Tuesday 15 October 2013

The news in brief 15th October 2013

The news in brief: 

Rihanna gets Thailand arrested

Man does his job

Clangers!

Grammar Nazis take over school, yeah

Hilarious driving mishap

Iran executes criminal twice

Clangers!

Oxford University asks some hard questions

Cabbage is good for you

U.S. still closed; world economy shits itself

Diana Watch, day 37: 'still dead'

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Airbrushing still sets unrealistic expectations

Police no longer looking for a man carrying child

Police now looking for man carrying blonde child

Clangers!

Activist mistakes hypothesis for evidence

Magazine editor barely restrains facial tourettes 


Paparazzi intrudes on family holiday


Celebrity baker suggest you can be young, pretty AND good at something

Man buys puppies

Clangers!

Reading the news so you don't have to...  
 






Monday 14 October 2013

The news in brief 14th October 2013

The news in brief:

Mild euphoria as the News in Brief returns

News pundit has forgotten the meaning of 'sleep'

Despite a week off, religion's bodycount continues to mount

Diana Watch, day 36: 'still dead'

Health and fucking safety

High-fives are totally dangerous

Celebrity baker speaks common sense 

Outraged Daily Mail readers miss the point

America still closed. Please leave a message with Australia and they'll get back to you.

Republicans really must hate health care. Brits and Canadians baffled.

Woman goes for jog 

E-fits kinda look like Chuckle Brothers

Reykjavik has lots of writers

Headmaster has stupid ideas

Nation wonders 'who still uses paper invites anyway?' 

Kate Winslet looks nice

Opinions divided - Parents of missing girl kinda responsible?

Crimewatch Special:  seems family didn't spend a lot time together on family holiday  

Crimewatch Special:  how long does it take to eat tapas?

Crimewatch Special: average sized man with brown hair carried child near crèche

Old lady's heating bills soar

Woman in warm coat shocker

Celebrity may have been air brushed

MP needs 'sensitivity training'

Jimmy Savile responsible for every crime since 1926


Reading the news so you don't have to...
 

Tuesday 8 October 2013

The news in brief 8th October 2013

No news in brief for a few days. Mother and baby are doing fine but no time to read a dozen different news websites and watch hours of television... normal service to resume next week.

Sunday 6 October 2013

Breaking news

Breaking news: passages from made-up fairy-tales being read at weddings

The news in brief 6th October 2013

The news in brief celebrity special:

Artists compete for number one slot

Singer releases album

Book goes on sale

85 year old takes a sick day

Mother and daughter go to party

Paparazzi exposes woman drinking juice

Nothing compares 2 Unsolicited advice, apart from racial slurs and abuse apparently

Man goes shirtless

Celebrity dancers wear skimpy dresses 

Miley Cyrus states the obvious

Woman may or may not have tattoo

Couple gets married

Woman wears nice blouse

Actress wears sweater

Paparazzi catches woman walking dog

Actress wears red

Downton is on the telly tonight

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Saturday 5 October 2013

The news in brief 5th October 2013

The news in brief no-shit-Sherlock special:

Chicken nuggets are not good for you

Wondering why this is news, so you don't have to...

Thursday 3 October 2013

The news in brief 3rd October 2013

The news in brief:
Nothing compares 2 Unsolicited advice

Fry ups cause babies

The Internet is full of porn and pictures of kittens

Diana Watch, day 25: still 'dead'

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

UK forgets about Syria, fracking and badger culls as lottery price doubles

Students are mucky pups

Newspaper says sorry

US government still closed, please leave any packages with Canada...

Driver overreacts to fairly minor event

Supermarket in bother for keeping security room locked

Pound shop sells useless tat

Sleep is bad for you

Family tragedy is apparently news now

Public outraged by sound medical advice

Woman wears dress

Family breakup is apparently our business now

Newspaper slams very talented singer for her clothes

Actors act in film  

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Breaking news

Breaking news: nothing compares 2 Unsolicited advice

Wednesday 2 October 2013

The news in brief 2nd October 2013

The news in brief:

60-year-old diary entry suddenly relevant

Jibes about dead parents apparently count as politics now

Newspaper forgets its Nazi origins

Popular newspaper doesn't understand the association fallacy.

Conservatives promise economic ruin for all

Baby tiger!

US government still closed

700,000 families still up shit creek

Brits and Canadians baffled

Diana Watch, day  24: 'still dead'

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Extremist group lowers its entry requirements

Exercise is good for you

Anecdotal evidence is apparently news now     

Demure suit is deemed a bit racy

Breakfast is good for you

Woman wears belt more than once

Paparazzi invade family day out - and judges mum's clothes

Miley Cyrus might be part snake 

Dinosaur Erotica is a thing now

Woman wears dress

Man's paternity questioned

Reading the news so you don't have to...

Tuesday 1 October 2013

The news in brief 1st October 2013

The news in brief:

Great British public wants change, just so long as it's not them who has to change

World confused by baffling US system

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Man doesn't have cancer

Anything other than 9 to 5 is a bit too much like hard work

Conflict continues in Syria, no-one cares as Western nation has tiff

Sweden is just great

'Pantomime villain' upset that he wasn't taken seriously

Fictional character may be killed off

Couples split costs

Robot can do Rubik's cube really fast

Opinion: Belgium a bit keen with the euthanasia

Hoovering is bad for you

Diana Watch, day 23: 'still dead'

Compost is bad for you

Family tragedy is apparently our business

Man who doesn't buy something has no idea how much that thing costs...

Opinion: Baby factories are a very bad thing

DIY is bad for you

We're gonna have some weather

Woman wears dress

Paparazzi intrude on family holiday

Men look good in suits

Single person goes out


Reading the news so you don't have to...