The news in brief 31st August 2013

The news in brief Star Wars Special:

Rebels captured

Senate dissolved

Droids missing

Secret plans stolen

Look sir, droids!

Farmers murdered

Old man indoctrinates grieving child

These are not the droids you're looking for

Smuggler escapes capture

Defensive installation tested successfully on hostile target

Rebel leader liberated from space station

Grieving child promptly forgets murdered foster parents

Rebels destroy space station - millions murdered

No medal for Chewbacca

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The news in brief 30th August 2013

The news in brief:

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

PM lambasted for abiding by democratic decision

US gonna do what the US gotta do

Russia suggests that diplomacy is still a thing 

United Nations questions if anyone cares about their report

Newspaper confuses bombs with caring

Another childhood star charged with interfering with kids

Videogames don't make kids violent

Other hairless mammals get sunburn

Pop singer shows more skin

Teenagers detained over dirty towels

Apparently jetlag is a disease now

Actress goes topless

Pop singer's dad not happy

Knock-off gadgets might be dangerous

British public's short attention span forgets about fracking

And badgers

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The news in brief 29th August 2013

The news in brief:

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

UK decides bombing someone without approval might be 'bad idea'

US begrudgingly agrees

Citizen's Advice Bureau too big for its boots

Life here might have started out there...

Phone networks launch phone network

Bank loses money

Celebrity couple splits

Gay couple dancing together is apparently news

Brits like tea

Expensive department stores both sell clothes

Grown man swears

Bad pubs should close

Prejudice attitudes not turned around in 12 months

Grown woman wets the bed

Singer doesn't wear skimpy clothes (how do they win?)

Actor buys lemonade

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The news in brief 28th August 2013

The news in brief:

World shitting itself over Syria

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

President recalls MLK whilst planning attacks, irony lost

Wombles!

Genius man makes money from cold calls

Crazy mind machine!

Hospital food a bit shit

No cheap houses left in London

Badger botherers burn police firing range

Women in pyjamas are sexy

Violent criminal has heart

Celebrity smokes a cigarette

Has-beens act like twats in a house

Woman wears new blouse

Whole-arse tattoo probably a bit much

Scientists grow a little brain

News channel spectacularly intolerant

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The news in brief 27th August 2013

The news in brief:

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Xenomorph spotted on Church

Christians miss the point

Celebrity chef talks sense

Ancient city found in Himalayas

Children are shits

It's okay to run people over if you're young and successful

Another teacher caught canoodling with pupil

Boy plays cricket

Subtitles are a bit shit

UN suggests US should probably wait for their report

Scientology is fucking weird

Robot carers might be a thing

Dad upset that his daughter was a bit slutty

Pregnant woman goes outside

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The news in brief 26th August 2013

The news in brief MTV awards special:

Pop singer takes off clothes

Pop singer strips to bikini

3 minutes of scantily clad women gyrating is apparently a song

3 minutes of words that can't be played on the radio is apparently a song

Will. Smith.

Canadian imp wears hats

Grown woman swears!

Screaming

Celebrities dress like tossers

Camera implies possibly litigious drama

Man chews gum

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The news in brief 25th August 2013

The news-in-brief:

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

Actor to play fictional character

Armchair pundits know more about Batman than creators

Old woman dies

Dispute is settled out of court

Study states the bleeding obvious

Research also states the obvious

Holy shit, Brooklyn Beckham is 14?!

Man planning to propose





Arsehole revealed to be even bigger arsehole

Model didn't age well (apparently this is news?)

Pregnant woman puts hand on bump

Fashion model speaks common sense

Cricket!

Slavery apparently not illegal

Wild speculation about unknown phonecall





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The news in brief 24th August 2013

The news in brief roles-that-Ben-Affleck-cannot-play-according-to-Twitter special:

Daredevil

Rocky Balboa

Sargent Bilko

Margaret Thatcher  

James Bond

Honolulu

Mr Stay-Puft

Matt Damon

Captain Kirk

Captain Rick

The theory of special relativity

Ben Affleck

and apparently Batman

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The news in brief 23rd August 2013:

The news in brief:

A bunch of nobodies goes into a house

PM has a towel

Hitler golf!

More pretty girls get results (but it's not good news)

Snails are slow

Bank holiday sales must end!

We're gonna have some weather

Religion's bodycount continues to mount

99 year-old dies

Rational decision causes outrage

Old man retires

First world problems

The Internet remains a dangerous place

No mention of fracking

Arsehole family gets what coming to them

Celebrity baby has wacky name

Pregnant woman goes to hospital to give birth

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The news in brief 22nd August 2013

The news in brief:

Kids are getting fat
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Criminal goes on trial
Football!
More banking scandal
Building blocks are toys
Bailiffs come to your house
Fruit is good for you
Which? states the fucking obvious again
Newspaper reinforces gender stereotypes
MEP also horrifically sexist
Celebrity wears white
Model wears glasses
Singer makes herself look even more ridiculous
Town hates protesters more than fracking
More pretty girls open results (do boys and other girls not sit exams any more?)
Zuckerberg wants to get the world online

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The news in brief 21st August 2013

The news in brief:

Religion's bodycount continues to mount
'Insufficient evidence' is evidence enough for newspaper
Soldier gets 35 years for whistleblowing
Anti-fracking camps start packing up
People don't read so good no more
Wing-walking 9-year old is awesome!
Does any one remember 'Occupy'? Me either.
Drug mules still getting column-inches
30 degree washes will kill us all
Health and fucking safety
Apparently only pretty girls get A-levels
Germans aren't breeding
Woman has scruffy boyfriend
New mum wears trousers
Football!
UKIP blames Poland for Nazi invasion
Girls still screaming about One Direction

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The news in brief 20th August 2013

The news in brief:

Old man dies
US Government tells us what we already know
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
UK public misses the point
Princess Diana still dead
Conman jailed
No-one mention fracking
Teen girls scream at boy band
Cat saves dog
Man shoves fork down penis
Churchill was probably drunk
Woman learns the the hard way not to get drunk and blow a stranger
Hero groom learns to dance after losing legs
Gardening
Family photo taken
Woman takes child out in public
Woman eat sweet
Car bursts into flames!

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The news in brief 19th August 2013

The news in brief:

Kids are expensive
Sports event tickets on sale
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
American business suggest it is not British
Film is not real
Russia remains painfully homophobic
Glamour model objects to lad's-mags objections
House prices fluctuate
Another book of conflicting 'dos and don'ts' for expectant mothers
Protesters feel entitled to private land
Woman has childhood pictures
Princess Diana still dead
Student tried weed
Woman wears sensible shoes
Man shoots off own penis
Woman wears dress
80 bridesmaids?!
Coffee is bad for you

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The news in brief 18th August 2013

The news in brief what-is-David-Cameron-responsible-for-according-to-Daily-Mail-commentors special:

Global warming
Cancer
World War II
Roswell
Low house prices
Bird flu
Tidal waves
Earthquakes
Mosquitoes
The extinction of the dinosaurs
Pompeii
World War I
Aids
High house prices
The Autobot-Decepticon war
New Coke
Crime
Over-population
Solar flares
Sinestro
The fall of the Roman Empire
Shakespeare’s death

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The news in brief 17th August 2013

The news in brief:

Old lady is really fucking old
CGI pictures of London in ruin
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Coffee is bad for you
Fracking operations scaled back in Essex
Flip flops blamed for mowing down and backing over pedestrian
Man gets in car with woman
Driver was allegedly aiming for someone else
8th century monument bulldozed
Sexually active woman pregnant
Woman wears mismatched bikini
99 year-old dies
Not everyone got their first choice for university
Another 70's celebrity accused of sex crimes
Media finally cottoned on that flat tariffs actually put some people's bills up
Former Archbishop tells Christians to grow up and stop whining

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The news in brief 16th August 2013

The news in brief what-a-cunt special:

Father of cancerous child steals money from cancer charity

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The news in brief 15th August 2013

The news in brief:

Religion's bodycount continues to mount
60-year-old IVF mother admits she'd like some help
Rich mother who farms kids out to nanny insults other mothers
Rich mother can't work out why other mothers don't like her
Facebook makes you depressed
Wine a bit too strong for middle class
Man plans to see friends at weekend
Nobody cares about Bootle
Man still has beard
Council suggest cheaper taxis for slutty dressers
Big business acts like a wanker to staff member
Woman caught in the rain a bit too rape-y for advert
Woman wears dress
Celebrity wears sunglasses
Google suggests privacy is overrated
Red Bull taking legal action over use of the word 'Red'

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The news in brief 14th August 2013

News in brief big-business-is-a-fucking-tosser special:

Red Bull are taking legal action against local brewery Redwell for 'too similar' name.
Red Bull are also suing:
The Red Power Ranger
The hunt for Red October
Red Red Wine by UB40
The Red Lantern Corps
The Red Arrows
DC's Red
Red crayons
The Lady in Red
The Redheugh bridge
Simply Red
Red Alert
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
and the Boston Red Socks

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The news in brief 14th August 2013

The news in brief:

Grown man has facial hair
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Germany doing okay
Old lady's will carried out in accordance with her wishes
Fracking may unleash ancient horrors from the before times
Think tank suggests jail a bit harsh from criminals
Hemel Hempstead's a bit shit
US develops mesh-patch-sewn-to-tongue-to-prevent-eating diet
Newspaper runs story of 14 year old boy sexuality assaulting a teacher days after lambasting a judge for suggesting a 14 year old girl was predatory and does not see the issue
Woman looks tired
Man has lunch with friends
Something else about fracking, but I honestly stopped reading

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The news in brief 13th August 2013

News in brief:

Fracking will save us all
Earth is in space
Train fares are a rip off
Fracking will kill us all
Politician U-turns
Brits caught trying to smuggle 1.5 million in coke
Fracking is the answer to all of our problems
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Celebrity buys car
Fracking will destroy all of mankind
Actress wears trousers

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The news in brief 12th August 2013

The news in brief:

Fracking is a 'good thing'
Labour minister pisses off supermarket
98 year old dies
Utility company wants more money
British Public 'too dumb to choose own snacks'
Government getting a bit Falklands-y over Gibraltar
Religions bodycount continues to mount
He's not the Messiah and you're a very naughty boy
Celebrity wears new make up

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The news in brief 11th August 2013

The news in brief I'm-at-a-Christening-Special:

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The news in brief 10th August 2013

The news in brief WTF special:

Swedish testicle-munching fish

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The news in brief 9th August 2013

News in brief:

Historically infertile animal may or may not be pregnant
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Games console manufacturer determined to alienate fans
Government suggests rules should apply to everyone
Fastfood sandwich better than it was in 1973
Newspaper suggests family should secure bigger house before having more kids
Celebrity wears bikini on cruise
Government receives backlash for suggesting rules should apply to everyone
Queue-jumping celebrity kicked out of bakery
Bongo-Bongo jibe offensive
Poor people shop at Lidl
Fracking still a thing
Cyber bullies are fucking shits

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The news in brief 8th August 2013

The news in brief:

Stop going to A&E for non-urgent shit
Armchair philosopher without access to trial evidence knows more than judge
Incompetent border staff
Hefty baby
Shark on the Subway
Fusion reactor coming along nicely
Sharknado!
MEP can dish it out but can't take it
Woman has haircut
Man shirtless in hot weather
Dogs yawn
Religion's body count continues to mount
Recycling cuts waste

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The news in brief 7th August 2013

The news in brief:

UKIP MEP says something racist
UKIP MEP wants to bring back hanging
UKIP MEP thinks hiring women is a bad idea
UKIP MEP indirectly insults all of the North East
Former scientologist wants to talk about scientology
Working men's clubs are sexist
Women's only club is not sexist
Pushy parents fuck things up for their children
Cat looks like Hitler
Football
Rain is wet

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The news in brief 6th August 2013

The news in brief:

NHS review states the obvious
Drama in trouble for being dramatic
People with dangerous dogs should probably be punished
Unspecified terror threat still unspecified - but it's really terror-y
Charity bosses with huge salaries might be a bad thing
Scarlett Johansson is attractive
People hate their neighbours
Artificial hamburger needed salt and pepper
Religion's body count continues to mount
Celebrity mother in 'looks just like her celebrity daughter' shocker
After ruining boobs for everyone, supermarket turns on shale gas

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The news in brief 5th August 2013

News in brief:

Processed food is processed
Zero hour contracts are shit
Stay-at-home parents want help with childcare
Spain getting all las Malvinas over Gibraltar
Actor to play fictional character
Unspecified terror threat still unspecified
Old couple have nice garden
User content is a bit hit-and-miss
Religion's body count continues to mount

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The news in brief 4th August 2013

News in Brief Doctor Who special:

Peter Capaldi

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The news in brief 3rd August 2013

A very sombre news in brief today:

Rapists
Murderers
Terrorists
Child Abusers
Combinations of the above
Religion's body count continues to mount

Seriously, if you could all just stop killing and hurting each other, that'd be just swell.

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The news in brief 2nd August 2013

The news in brief:

Children are expensive.
Spies engage in covert observation.
Car hire is a rip off.
Unspecified terror threat.
Cricket.
All men are apparently rapists.
Hottest week of August.
Religion's body count continues to mount.
New born child's birth is registered
Woman accurately describes job on legal document.

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The news in brief 1st August 2013

The news in brief:

Bank makes money.
Parking fees are a rip off.
Families use smartphones to ignore each other, together.
Religion's body count continues to mount.
Famous author in 'decent human being' shocker.
North West is apparently desolate now.
Man fathers child.
Hottest day of August so far.
Iron is good for you.
Overreacting school fires dinner lady for promptly correcting mistake.

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The news in brief 31st July 2013

News in brief:

Insurance companies are shits.
Being in the army is dangerous.
Business makes money.
Whistle blowing is apparently a crime now.
Broccoli is good for you.
Celebrity bint out of rehab again.
Barely literate footballer to release 4th autobiography.
Taking back stolen property is against 'new owner's' human rights.
Religion's body count continues to mount.
North East not desolate.

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The news in brief 30th July 2013

The news in brief:

Old sick man still hasn't died.
Guy with enough money considering retiring maybe.
Nurses are pretty fucking busy.
First industrial replicators on sale.
Charging disabled people £60 a month to store their equipment might be bad.
Liberal lefty men pretend to hate boob in order to crack untapped feminist vaginas.
Criminals use technology.
Everyone and everything on the Internet is linked to paedophilia.
Religion's body count continues to mount.
Pope suggests gays might be people too.

reading the news so you don't have to....