The news in brief:
Politicians promise not to lie (if you vote them in)
Lowlands near rivers 'more prone to flooding'
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Dolphins are totally stoners, man
Rural areas are a bit harder to get to
Perfectly good graph ignored in favour of reactionary outrage
Celebrity sick of people bleating about their first world problems
Newspaper squeezes every stereotype going into one headline
Who 'ya gonna call?
Diana Watch: still dead
Traumatic footage used in music video
Campaign for common sense misunderstood
Carbohydrates are EVIL!
Halloumi cheese doesn't even taste like chicken
£25 fine becomes £300 if you act like a wanker in court
Duct tape fixes everything
Nudes in brief: Amy Childs
Woman has huge arse
Reading the news so you don't have to...
image
Monday 30 December 2013
Sunday 29 December 2013
The news in brief 29th December 2013
The news in brief celebrity special:
Person's weight fluctuates
Outrage as frail old lady doesn't spend too long on her feet
Anonymous internet bastards are bastards
Man wears coat
People's Instagram pictures are news now?!
Paparazzi intrude on family shopping trip
Moody teenager's social media sparks wild, unfounded speculation
Paparazzi intrudes on friends having fun
Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty
Person gets better job
Boy gets dog
Man walk in park with son
Woman wears swimsuit
Singer fails to look photogenic 100% of the time
Performer performs at performance
Woman drinks beverage near a man!
Woman wears skirt
Paparazzi catches actress wearing hat and sunglasses (shock horror)
Actress pops to the shops
Man drinks coffee
Reading this shit so you don't have to...
Person's weight fluctuates
Outrage as frail old lady doesn't spend too long on her feet
Anonymous internet bastards are bastards
Man wears coat
People's Instagram pictures are news now?!
Paparazzi intrude on family shopping trip
Moody teenager's social media sparks wild, unfounded speculation
Paparazzi intrudes on friends having fun
Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty
Person gets better job
Boy gets dog
Man walk in park with son
Woman wears swimsuit
Singer fails to look photogenic 100% of the time
Performer performs at performance
Woman drinks beverage near a man!
Woman wears skirt
Paparazzi catches actress wearing hat and sunglasses (shock horror)
Actress pops to the shops
Man drinks coffee
Reading this shit so you don't have to...
Saturday 28 December 2013
The news in brief 28th December 2013
The news in brief Horoscope special:
Aries: Chill the fuck out
Taurus: You need a holiday
Gemini: Stop spending money, bitch
Cancer: You gonna get some sexy time
Leo: Chill the fuck out; you need a holiday
Virgo: You gonna get some sexy time, but stop spending money, bitch
Libra: You need a holiday, but keep an eye on the old folk
Scorpio: Chill the fuck out
Sagittarius: Chill the fuck out
Capricorn: Chill the fuck out
Aquarius: Put down the fork
Pisces: Stop chilling the fuck out
Reading the horoscopes so you don't have to...
Aries: Chill the fuck out
Taurus: You need a holiday
Gemini: Stop spending money, bitch
Cancer: You gonna get some sexy time
Leo: Chill the fuck out; you need a holiday
Virgo: You gonna get some sexy time, but stop spending money, bitch
Libra: You need a holiday, but keep an eye on the old folk
Scorpio: Chill the fuck out
Sagittarius: Chill the fuck out
Capricorn: Chill the fuck out
Aquarius: Put down the fork
Pisces: Stop chilling the fuck out
Reading the horoscopes so you don't have to...
Thursday 26 December 2013
Breaking news
Breaking news: woman doesn't understand the meaning of Christmas, money management or personal responsibility
Wednesday 25 December 2013
Breaking news
Breaking news: Peace on Earth and Goodwill to all men shattered by now-traditional Yuletide bombing :(
Tuesday 24 December 2013
Monday 23 December 2013
The news in brief 23rd December 2013
The news in brief:
Newspaper prints horror story without printing all the facts
Outrage as the British public believes everything it reads
Consumers boycott popular department store for no good reason
News websites go mental with knee-jerk hate-mongering comments
News in Brief editor contacts shop directly to get the straight dope
News in Brief wonders what the real journalists are smoking
Mainstream media gets its shit together 24 hours later
Department store offers public apology for one teeny-weeny mistake. In one shop. Once
Media and public don't apologise to shop for being reactionary, xenophobic sheep
In other news:
Male dog has testicles
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Newspaper prints horror story without printing all the facts
Outrage as the British public believes everything it reads
Consumers boycott popular department store for no good reason
News websites go mental with knee-jerk hate-mongering comments
News in Brief editor contacts shop directly to get the straight dope
News in Brief wonders what the real journalists are smoking
Mainstream media gets its shit together 24 hours later
Department store offers public apology for one teeny-weeny mistake. In one shop. Once
Media and public don't apologise to shop for being reactionary, xenophobic sheep
In other news:
Male dog has testicles
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Sunday 22 December 2013
The news in brief 22nd December 2013
The news in brief celebrity special:
Zombie cook
Human being eats junk food whilst miserable
Man buys wife FLOWERS!
Woman celebrates with a tipple
Most popular song tops popular chart
Couple gets married
Woman wears sexy clothes to nightclub
Paparazzi intrudes on woman's privacy
Woman wears bikini AT THE BEACH!
Runner-up looks disappointed
Photo of couple smiling
Divorce is somehow our business
Woman is 48
Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty
Singer buys product available on the highstreet
Actress wears trousers
Celebrity spends money as she sees fit
Unfounded speculation about a couple who may or may not be still together
Paparazzi haven't caught couple in a while
Woman changes her hair
Celebrity goes within 10 feet of dance partner
Woman gets taxi!
Woman has nipples
Man wears jumper
Keeping the Sunday papers in business, so you don't have to...
Zombie cook
Human being eats junk food whilst miserable
Man buys wife FLOWERS!
Woman celebrates with a tipple
Most popular song tops popular chart
Couple gets married
Woman wears sexy clothes to nightclub
Paparazzi intrudes on woman's privacy
Woman wears bikini AT THE BEACH!
Runner-up looks disappointed
Photo of couple smiling
Divorce is somehow our business
Woman is 48
Woman conforms to media's narrow definition of beauty
Singer buys product available on the highstreet
Actress wears trousers
Celebrity spends money as she sees fit
Unfounded speculation about a couple who may or may not be still together
Paparazzi haven't caught couple in a while
Woman changes her hair
Celebrity goes within 10 feet of dance partner
Woman gets taxi!
Woman has nipples
Man wears jumper
Keeping the Sunday papers in business, so you don't have to...
Saturday 21 December 2013
The news in brief 21st December 2013
The news in brief Christmas countdown #6
Outrage as most popular song looks set to be number 1
'Black Eyed Friday' sees Alcohol Recovery Centres and extra police on the streets
Shoppers push, crush and shove each other in mad panic
January Sales start today - people who already bought stuff demand refunds
Consume!
Pogues, Mariah Carey and Wizzard return to the charts (shock horror)
Families hate each other
Chefs make giant cake
We might have some weather
e-cards are officially shit
If you're not going to write a personal message, don't fucking bother (suggest etiquette expert)
Post office states the fucking obvious
Reindeer rescued from inferno
Doctor Who's going to be on
Reading the Christmas news so you don't have to...
Outrage as most popular song looks set to be number 1
'Black Eyed Friday' sees Alcohol Recovery Centres and extra police on the streets
Shoppers push, crush and shove each other in mad panic
January Sales start today - people who already bought stuff demand refunds
Consume!
Pogues, Mariah Carey and Wizzard return to the charts (shock horror)
Families hate each other
Chefs make giant cake
We might have some weather
e-cards are officially shit
If you're not going to write a personal message, don't fucking bother (suggest etiquette expert)
Post office states the fucking obvious
Reindeer rescued from inferno
Doctor Who's going to be on
Reading the Christmas news so you don't have to...
Friday 20 December 2013
The news in brief 20th December 2013
The news in brief:
Newspaper publishes details from intimate conversation - but hey, they didn't do the hacking, right?!
Newspaper is dirty hypocrite
Vince and Boris on course for showdown throwdown
Uganda outlaws miniskirts
Government initiative scores own goal
Pornography allowed. Education banned
Bilbo is definitely a dude - we checked
Uganda outlaws normal human activity
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Rogue state threatens South with 80's technology
South questions who even has a fax machine these days?
New study gives the anxious something to worry about
Being an incorrigible rogue is now legal
Nudes in brief: Candice Swanepoel
Newspaper considers celebrity gossip more newsworthy than human lives
Diana watch: conspiracy dismissed (for now)
Man's opinion regurgitated as fact
Politics is complicated
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Breaking news
News in brief exclusive: supermarket sells Christmas turkeys with Use By Dates of 21st, 22nd, 23rd and 24th December.
Thursday 19 December 2013
The news in brief 19th December 2013
The news in brief 19th December 2013:
EU shoots giant camera into space
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Convicted murderer still pleading 'not guilty'
London is apparently the only city in the United Kingdom
Sick fucks buy t-shirts
Gatwick and Heathrow are the only airports in Great Britain
Baby-faced pop weasel retires from the music biz
Two older black guys look nothing like each other
Council offends 17,000 families
MP buries head in the sand
Politician says Mean Things on the Internet
Charity founder calls for return of dark age morality
Club card gets it a bit wrong
Passive smoking DOESN'T give you cancer now
Diana Watch: still dead
Seaweed is good for you
Church executes Christmas elf
Terrible calendar is terrible
Nudes in brief: Sheridan Smith
Baby-faced pop weasel was only joking
Former pop star with similar name is NOT a paedophile
Jennifer Lawrence discusses butt plugs
Dirty fuckers spoil nice park
Reading the news so you don't have to...
EU shoots giant camera into space
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Convicted murderer still pleading 'not guilty'
London is apparently the only city in the United Kingdom
Sick fucks buy t-shirts
Gatwick and Heathrow are the only airports in Great Britain
Baby-faced pop weasel retires from the music biz
Two older black guys look nothing like each other
Council offends 17,000 families
MP buries head in the sand
Politician says Mean Things on the Internet
Charity founder calls for return of dark age morality
Club card gets it a bit wrong
Passive smoking DOESN'T give you cancer now
Diana Watch: still dead
Seaweed is good for you
Church executes Christmas elf
Terrible calendar is terrible
Nudes in brief: Sheridan Smith
Baby-faced pop weasel was only joking
Former pop star with similar name is NOT a paedophile
Jennifer Lawrence discusses butt plugs
Dirty fuckers spoil nice park
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Breaking News
Apparently last night's The News in Brief
wasn't funny. I thought it was hilarious, but that's not always a good
barometer. I blame this entirely on my 'editor' going to bed early.
To make up for it, here is a special Breaking News from #tNiB's guest correspondent Sam Abboud:
Breaking News: Redneck 'personality' with redneck reality TV show says redneck thing about people that rednecks say redneck things about.
To make up for it, here is a special Breaking News from #tNiB's guest correspondent Sam Abboud:
Breaking News: Redneck 'personality' with redneck reality TV show says redneck thing about people that rednecks say redneck things about.
Wednesday 18 December 2013
The news in brief 18th December 2013
Breaking news: EU will not be happy until all cigarettes are sold in plain, nondescript, tar-filled, diseased lungs.
Tuesday 17 December 2013
The news in brief 17th December 2013
The news in brief Christmas countdown #5:
Milton Keynes' Winter Wonderland is shit.
Shit reindeer
Shit costumes
Shit Santa
Shit ice rink
Actual factual shit
Charity backers get off at Gateshead
Tickets refunded
The end
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Milton Keynes' Winter Wonderland is shit.
Shit reindeer
Shit costumes
Shit Santa
Shit ice rink
Actual factual shit
Charity backers get off at Gateshead
Tickets refunded
The end
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Breaking news
Breaking news: 'I'm not guilty of stealing from her, but I did find incriminating money in her purse.' Wait, what?!
Monday 16 December 2013
The news in brief 16 December 2013:
The news in brief celebrity special:
Woman runs on beach
Man boffs older lady
Two people go near each other in nightclub
Woman wears hat
Man has female friends
Woman wears dress AT WORK
Wedding happened
Sugar daddy states the obvious
Model wears fashion item
Man and woman drink COFFEE in the STREET
Crazy celebrity acts the same as always
Singer gets a bit nude
0.004% of viewers offended
Paparazzi intrude on family outing
Nudes in brief: Magnum PI's daughter?!
Newspaper doesn't like woman's dress
Somebody won the X factor
Newspaper doesn't have a clue about animation industry
Dog back from the dead
Blimey - they actually are the SAME dress this time!
Mad dress fails to hide ropey vocals
Reading this shit so you don't have to...
Woman runs on beach
Man boffs older lady
Two people go near each other in nightclub
Woman wears hat
Man has female friends
Woman wears dress AT WORK
Wedding happened
Sugar daddy states the obvious
Model wears fashion item
Man and woman drink COFFEE in the STREET
Crazy celebrity acts the same as always
Singer gets a bit nude
0.004% of viewers offended
Paparazzi intrude on family outing
Nudes in brief: Magnum PI's daughter?!
Newspaper doesn't like woman's dress
Somebody won the X factor
Newspaper doesn't have a clue about animation industry
Dog back from the dead
Blimey - they actually are the SAME dress this time!
Mad dress fails to hide ropey vocals
Reading this shit so you don't have to...
Saturday 14 December 2013
Thursday 12 December 2013
The news in brief 12th December 2013
The news in brief totally hilarious/offensive special:
Translator doesn't actually know sign language
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Translator doesn't actually know sign language
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Wednesday 11 December 2013
The news in brief 11th December 2013
The news in brief:
Today's date is 11.12.13 - Internet crashes under weight of psychos, sadacts and conspiracy theorists
Chinese government are masters of spin
Outrage as people celebrate at celebration
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
BBC airs HOURS of live footage of people walking to church
India reverts to stone age beliefs
MP shows you can prove anything with statistics
Crazy fucknut weirdo whackjobs win moral victory
More wintery weather predicted for December, January and February
Pot calls kettle black
Parents blame teachers
Teachers blames parents
Ofsted blames children
Diana Watch: still making headlines in the Indian Times...
Newspaper puzzle punks its owner
Baker is a total homophobe
Newspaper demands the government takes over parenting
Judge reinforces sexist stereotype that all men are predators and all women are victims
Nudes in brief: holy shit, it's a dude today!
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tuesday 10 December 2013
The news in brief 10th December 2013
The news in brief:
Ministers want NHS to play God
Mother admits to being selfish bitch LIVE ON AIR
Charity in bed with tobacco, alcohol and weapons companies
MP suggests business should pay its staff
Selfie offends the world
PM likes celebrity cook
Man jailed for boob fraud
Woman with disposable income spends money
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Woman eats lunch
Diana Watch: 'still dead'
Teenager's jolly jape offends prudes
Nerds make not unreasonable demand
Thrill-seekers make stupid decisions
Outrage as rules applied equally
Darwin awards recognise new winner
Nudes in brief: Courtney Stodden (again?!)
More wintery weather due this winter
Gays can always be wrong too (at long last)
Disney makes cartoons
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Ministers want NHS to play God
Mother admits to being selfish bitch LIVE ON AIR
Charity in bed with tobacco, alcohol and weapons companies
MP suggests business should pay its staff
Selfie offends the world
PM likes celebrity cook
Man jailed for boob fraud
Woman with disposable income spends money
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Woman eats lunch
Diana Watch: 'still dead'
Teenager's jolly jape offends prudes
Nerds make not unreasonable demand
Thrill-seekers make stupid decisions
Outrage as rules applied equally
Darwin awards recognise new winner
Nudes in brief: Courtney Stodden (again?!)
More wintery weather due this winter
Gays can always be wrong too (at long last)
Disney makes cartoons
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Monday 9 December 2013
The news in brief 9th December 2013
The news in brief:
Two different women wear same affordable fashion item.
Celebrity panellist harps on about poverty (whilst advertising payday loans)
Celebrity panellist harps on about poverty (whilst advertising a buy now pay later catalogue)
Chancellor singlehandedly destroys novelty Tax Disk holder industry
Public still upset that they got exactly what they asked for
Some people are devious thieving c*nts
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Diana Watch: friend suggests people should let her be
Hilariously offensive sign is hilariously offensive
London is apparently the only city in the United Kingdom
Testimony surprises no-one
This is a local shop for local people
Whining to the press: 1 Parental responsibility: 0
Darwin award awarded
UKIP MEP has sense of humour
Supermarket can't win for trying
Nudes in brief: Katy Perry
Man has excellent friends
Older person has old time-y beliefs
Attention-seeking hyperbitch at it again
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Sunday 8 December 2013
The news in brief 8th December 2013
The news in brief celebrity special:
Musician offends the entire civilised world
Singer wears slutty dress
Man gets off plane
Couple may or may not have wedding plans
Woman changes her hair
Celebrity wears skirt
Crazy singer does nothing out of the ordinary
Celebrity split official now it's on Facebook
Singer removes her shoes
Man takes his shirt off
Woman with disposable income goes shopping
Scandal as woman smokes a cigarette
Pregnant woman wears maternity clothes
Woman walks her dog
Suspected pricks acts like a prick (allegedly)
Pregnant woman doesn't wear maternity clothes
Newspaper stretches the definition of the word 'sexy'
Different singer also wears dress
Paparazzi intrude on family outing
Newspaper will judge you, no matter your bodyshape
Photographers stalk celebrities and their infant children
Media thinks child's Sesame Street bag is our business
Pop-harlot grinds against SANTA CLAUS
Reading this shit so you don't have to...
Musician offends the entire civilised world
Singer wears slutty dress
Man gets off plane
Couple may or may not have wedding plans
Woman changes her hair
Celebrity wears skirt
Crazy singer does nothing out of the ordinary
Celebrity split official now it's on Facebook
Singer removes her shoes
Man takes his shirt off
Woman with disposable income goes shopping
Scandal as woman smokes a cigarette
Pregnant woman wears maternity clothes
Woman walks her dog
Suspected pricks acts like a prick (allegedly)
Pregnant woman doesn't wear maternity clothes
Newspaper stretches the definition of the word 'sexy'
Different singer also wears dress
Paparazzi intrude on family outing
Newspaper will judge you, no matter your bodyshape
Photographers stalk celebrities and their infant children
Media thinks child's Sesame Street bag is our business
Pop-harlot grinds against SANTA CLAUS
Reading this shit so you don't have to...
Friday 6 December 2013
The news in brief 6th December 2013:
The news in brief:
World marks the passing of Nelson Mandela
Weather a bit wintery
Teams are picked for the International Soccerball playoffs
Law applied evenly
Media doesn't fancy England's chances
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Government not so good with the numbers
Woman does her job
Attention-seeking hyperbitch makes unfounded accusations
Religious fanatics can't stop hand-holding
Celebrity doesn't live up to media's narrow definition of beauty
Man condemned for pointing out the truth
Law not applied evenly
Research states the obvious
Diana Watch 6th December 2013: headline seems to suggest Diana constructed newsreader
Research proves what we suspected all along
Singer acts perfectly in character
US creates more killer warbots (sort of)
Reading the news so you don't have to...
World marks the passing of Nelson Mandela
Weather a bit wintery
Teams are picked for the International Soccerball playoffs
Law applied evenly
Media doesn't fancy England's chances
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Government not so good with the numbers
Woman does her job
Attention-seeking hyperbitch makes unfounded accusations
Religious fanatics can't stop hand-holding
Celebrity doesn't live up to media's narrow definition of beauty
Man condemned for pointing out the truth
Law not applied evenly
Research states the obvious
Diana Watch 6th December 2013: headline seems to suggest Diana constructed newsreader
Research proves what we suspected all along
Singer acts perfectly in character
US creates more killer warbots (sort of)
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Thursday 5 December 2013
Wednesday 4 December 2013
The news in brief 4th December 2013
The news in brief:
More spending cuts ahoy!
Celebrity cook admits to a bit of the ol' charlie horse
Wintery weather to hit this winter
Public designs shit flags
'Alleged' killer pretty much confesses (but still pleads not guilty)
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
New consoles go all Teletubby on us
(Santa's going to get the blame again)
Newspaper celebrates conformity to social expectations
People like their gadgets
Sick old man still not dead yet
Water found on distant planets
Exo-planets have shit names
First world problem resolved
Attention seeking hyperbitch gets buckets of hate mail
Attention seeking hyperbitch for Prime Minister
Family takes naff Christmas card picture
Nudes in brief: Sam Faiers
Diana Watch 4th December 2013: still pretty much dead
No really, bitch stop fucking
Athlete happy that we're happy for him
Blurry shadow probably not a ghost
Work until you're 70 (maybe)
Reading the news so you don't have to...
More spending cuts ahoy!
Celebrity cook admits to a bit of the ol' charlie horse
Wintery weather to hit this winter
Public designs shit flags
'Alleged' killer pretty much confesses (but still pleads not guilty)
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
New consoles go all Teletubby on us
(Santa's going to get the blame again)
Newspaper celebrates conformity to social expectations
People like their gadgets
Sick old man still not dead yet
Water found on distant planets
Exo-planets have shit names
First world problem resolved
Attention seeking hyperbitch gets buckets of hate mail
Attention seeking hyperbitch for Prime Minister
Family takes naff Christmas card picture
Nudes in brief: Sam Faiers
Diana Watch 4th December 2013: still pretty much dead
No really, bitch stop fucking
Athlete happy that we're happy for him
Blurry shadow probably not a ghost
Work until you're 70 (maybe)
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tuesday 3 December 2013
The news in brief 3rd December 2013:
The news in brief:
Family reuses hat
Woman wears the same dress twice
Celebrity Deathmatch: The Doctor vs Coronation Street
Spies do underhanded stuff
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Woman comes into some money
Shock: Tall people have deeper voices
Scientists uncover the bloody obvious
Racy advert shown AFTER watershed
Misleading headline implicates innocent shop
Diana Watch 3rd December 2013: sold a dress from beyond the grave
Nudes in brief: University netball team, Gillian Anderson, an eel
Man stares gift horse square in the mouth
Meaningless headline contains no actual information
Attention seeking hyperbitch might have crossed a line
Performers to perform at performance
Shop not guilty
Doctors to gather in London to discuss a cure for homosexuality
Doctors presumably want cure for brown eyes, lefthandedness and feet
Child's private life is apparently our business
Red top paper in the shit
Potty mouthed news pundit suggest parents to fucking blame
Wintery weather forecast
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Family reuses hat
Woman wears the same dress twice
Celebrity Deathmatch: The Doctor vs Coronation Street
Spies do underhanded stuff
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Woman comes into some money
Shock: Tall people have deeper voices
Scientists uncover the bloody obvious
Racy advert shown AFTER watershed
Misleading headline implicates innocent shop
Diana Watch 3rd December 2013: sold a dress from beyond the grave
Nudes in brief: University netball team, Gillian Anderson, an eel
Man stares gift horse square in the mouth
Meaningless headline contains no actual information
Attention seeking hyperbitch might have crossed a line
Performers to perform at performance
Shop not guilty
Doctors to gather in London to discuss a cure for homosexuality
Doctors presumably want cure for brown eyes, lefthandedness and feet
Child's private life is apparently our business
Red top paper in the shit
Potty mouthed news pundit suggest parents to fucking blame
Wintery weather forecast
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Monday 2 December 2013
The news in brief 2nd December 2013
The news in brief:
Outrage as chef accurately describes mascot
Attention seeking hyperbitch slags off Scotland
Wedding party stretches the definition of 'lookalike'
10% of men are shit at Christmas
90% of men who are not shit apparently not news worthy
Diana Watch 2nd December 2013: still making the front page (and dead)
Bitch stop fucking
Supermarket sells food
Amazon unveils delivery drones
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Energy prices set to come down (a bit)
Athlete is into the dudes
Croatians not happy with shitty new law
Bulgaria not that fussed about the UK
Judge makes poor decision
Twitter a bit more liberal than real life
Shops create self-fulfilling prophecy
Newspaper columnist suggests it is sometimes okay to sedate a woman and forcibly remove her unborn child...
The nudes in brief: That naked chick from the blurred lines video
Snow forecast FOR DECEMBER
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Outrage as chef accurately describes mascot
Attention seeking hyperbitch slags off Scotland
Wedding party stretches the definition of 'lookalike'
10% of men are shit at Christmas
90% of men who are not shit apparently not news worthy
Diana Watch 2nd December 2013: still making the front page (and dead)
Bitch stop fucking
Supermarket sells food
Amazon unveils delivery drones
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Energy prices set to come down (a bit)
Athlete is into the dudes
Croatians not happy with shitty new law
Bulgaria not that fussed about the UK
Judge makes poor decision
Twitter a bit more liberal than real life
Shops create self-fulfilling prophecy
Newspaper columnist suggests it is sometimes okay to sedate a woman and forcibly remove her unborn child...
The nudes in brief: That naked chick from the blurred lines video
Snow forecast FOR DECEMBER
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Sunday 1 December 2013
The news in brief 1st December 2013
The news in brief celebrity special:
Man with obscene amount of money dresses nicely
Man with less money also dresses nicely
Celebrity couple not dressed nicely
Actress wears clothes
Model doesn't
Internet grieves for tragic celebrity death
Internet doesn't give a shit about less famous guy
Woman wears dress
Singer sorry for tossy comments
Breaking news: Women wear swimsuits
Actress gets some shopping in
Shock: Recently separated husband DOESN'T wear wedding ring
Woman wears lipstick
Newspaper makes wild speculation about celebrity's private life
Woman DOESN'T live up to media's narrow definition of beauty
Woman DOES live up to media's narrow definition of beauty
Paparazzi intrudes on family day out
Actress' manicure is apparently news now
Newspaper stretches definition of 'matching' to breaking point
Last week it was news that a woman was hiding her baby bump - now it's news that one isn't?!
Reading the 'news' so you don't have to...
Man with obscene amount of money dresses nicely
Man with less money also dresses nicely
Celebrity couple not dressed nicely
Actress wears clothes
Model doesn't
Internet grieves for tragic celebrity death
Internet doesn't give a shit about less famous guy
Woman wears dress
Singer sorry for tossy comments
Breaking news: Women wear swimsuits
Actress gets some shopping in
Shock: Recently separated husband DOESN'T wear wedding ring
Woman wears lipstick
Newspaper makes wild speculation about celebrity's private life
Woman DOESN'T live up to media's narrow definition of beauty
Woman DOES live up to media's narrow definition of beauty
Paparazzi intrudes on family day out
Actress' manicure is apparently news now
Newspaper stretches definition of 'matching' to breaking point
Last week it was news that a woman was hiding her baby bump - now it's news that one isn't?!
Reading the 'news' so you don't have to...
Saturday 30 November 2013
The news in brief 30th November 2013
The news in brief Christmas countdown #3:
Norfolk town finally replaces shit Christmas tree
Reading the Christmas news so you don't have to...
Norfolk town finally replaces shit Christmas tree
Reading the Christmas news so you don't have to...
Friday 29 November 2013
The news in brief 29th November 2013
The news in brief:
Attention seeking hyperbitch thinks women can have babies or careers
Attention seeking hyperbitch thinks reasonable adjustments are unreasonable
Small business owner admits breaking employment laws LIVE ON TV!
Clown epidemic haunts Norfolk
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Police confirm clowns 'not against the law'
Diana Watch 29th November 2013: police want to quiz super secret SAS team - but can't find them
Correspondents make sweeping generalisations
BAH HUMBUG! Head teacher bans mentioning Christmas (until December)
Newspaper misrepresents MP's comments
Black Friday shoppers make you ashamed to be human
Badger culling was a bit hit and miss (mostly miss)
Couple buys house
Girls kinda look like their mum
Women's rights campaigners not happy with equality
SHOCK: Sharing maternity with dad means less leave for mums
Murdering sub-human bastard scum
Teacher suggests good role models are good role models
Drinking shit loads of cola is bad for you
Genuine Ducktales moneybin for sale!
Nudes in brief: Nina Agdal
Sportsman makes inappropriate joke
Miley whores it up again
We're going to have some weather
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Attention seeking hyperbitch thinks women can have babies or careers
Attention seeking hyperbitch thinks reasonable adjustments are unreasonable
Small business owner admits breaking employment laws LIVE ON TV!
Clown epidemic haunts Norfolk
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Police confirm clowns 'not against the law'
Diana Watch 29th November 2013: police want to quiz super secret SAS team - but can't find them
Correspondents make sweeping generalisations
BAH HUMBUG! Head teacher bans mentioning Christmas (until December)
Newspaper misrepresents MP's comments
Black Friday shoppers make you ashamed to be human
Badger culling was a bit hit and miss (mostly miss)
Couple buys house
Girls kinda look like their mum
Women's rights campaigners not happy with equality
SHOCK: Sharing maternity with dad means less leave for mums
Murdering sub-human bastard scum
Teacher suggests good role models are good role models
Drinking shit loads of cola is bad for you
Genuine Ducktales moneybin for sale!
Nudes in brief: Nina Agdal
Sportsman makes inappropriate joke
Miley whores it up again
We're going to have some weather
Reading the news so you don't have to...
The news in brief 28th November 2013
The news in brief:
After a very trying and emotionally difficult week, I'm taking a night off from The news in brief. Back to normal service tomorrow night. Thank you for you patience.
p.s. Diana's probably still dead...
After a very trying and emotionally difficult week, I'm taking a night off from The news in brief. Back to normal service tomorrow night. Thank you for you patience.
p.s. Diana's probably still dead...
Wednesday 27 November 2013
The news in brief 27th November 2013
The news in brief:
Shame as The news in brief agrees with attention seeking hyperbitch
Attention-seeking hyperbitch mark II thinks she can tell her employees how to spend their money
Outrage as hard up person enjoys a coffee
Business 'helps' economy buy sending jobs overseas
Santa's sleigh breaks down
Scotland is breaking up with us (but it's keeping all our cool stuff)
Diana Watch 27th November 2013: 'still dead'
Skeleton for sale!
Public figure has sense of humour
PM suggests not giving away all our stuff
Thief has a (tiny) conscience
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Nudes in brief: Charlotte Crosby
SNP promises money for nothing (and chicks for free)
Stupidity's bodycount continues to mount
Boredom blamed for expenses scandal
Police might find Madeline by 'working together'
Breaking news: I've been pronouncing Smaug wrong for 20 years
Newspaper exaggerates unconfirmed speculation
UKIP councillor is (allegedly) a bit of a dick
WHALE EXPLODES!
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Shame as The news in brief agrees with attention seeking hyperbitch
Attention-seeking hyperbitch mark II thinks she can tell her employees how to spend their money
Outrage as hard up person enjoys a coffee
Business 'helps' economy buy sending jobs overseas
Santa's sleigh breaks down
Scotland is breaking up with us (but it's keeping all our cool stuff)
Diana Watch 27th November 2013: 'still dead'
Skeleton for sale!
Public figure has sense of humour
PM suggests not giving away all our stuff
Thief has a (tiny) conscience
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Nudes in brief: Charlotte Crosby
SNP promises money for nothing (and chicks for free)
Stupidity's bodycount continues to mount
Boredom blamed for expenses scandal
Police might find Madeline by 'working together'
Breaking news: I've been pronouncing Smaug wrong for 20 years
Newspaper exaggerates unconfirmed speculation
UKIP councillor is (allegedly) a bit of a dick
WHALE EXPLODES!
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tuesday 26 November 2013
The news in brief 26th November 2013
The news in brief:
Attention-seeking hyperbitch sets back women's lib by 50 years
Horrendous c*nt confesses to horrendous c*ntery
Celebrity break-up enters wild allegation phase
America gets a bit falklands-y over islands
Crosswords will never be the same again
People would rather tweet than tango
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Stadium looks like a lady's intergalactic rocket socket
Couple canoodle
Wolf killed (no not him from Gladiators)
Girl sells virginity AGAIN
Diana Watch, 26th November 2013: 'still dead'
Jobsworth a bit heavy handed
France is pretty fucking awesome
Women a bit keen to check out
Nudes in brief: some bint from Big Brother
UK business u-turns on suggesting it's staff should speak English
Woman wears jewellery
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Attention-seeking hyperbitch sets back women's lib by 50 years
Horrendous c*nt confesses to horrendous c*ntery
Celebrity break-up enters wild allegation phase
America gets a bit falklands-y over islands
Crosswords will never be the same again
People would rather tweet than tango
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Stadium looks like a lady's intergalactic rocket socket
Couple canoodle
Wolf killed (no not him from Gladiators)
Girl sells virginity AGAIN
Diana Watch, 26th November 2013: 'still dead'
Jobsworth a bit heavy handed
France is pretty fucking awesome
Women a bit keen to check out
Nudes in brief: some bint from Big Brother
UK business u-turns on suggesting it's staff should speak English
Woman wears jewellery
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Monday 25 November 2013
The news in brief 25th November 2013
The news in brief:
Attention-seeking hyperbitch tells victims of bullying to 'man up'
Attention seeking hyperbitch tells women to stop bleating about equality
Banks in bother again
Businesses make money
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Popular character has used up all of his lives
Fist bump totally pwns handshake
The world is full of pricks
Internet goes berserk as cartoon character dies
11,000 children dead in Syria, Internet not really bothered
Diana Watch, 25th November 2013: 'still dead'
Free service complies with it's terms and conditions
Hysterical media jumps to conclusions
Newspaper fails to grasp how democracy works
Country opts to move back to the stone age
MacGyver scores an own goal
Post Office customers are dicks
China gets a bit Falklands-y over islands
The nudes in brief: Mathew Wright
Celesbians is a word now
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Attention-seeking hyperbitch tells victims of bullying to 'man up'
Attention seeking hyperbitch tells women to stop bleating about equality
Banks in bother again
Businesses make money
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Popular character has used up all of his lives
Fist bump totally pwns handshake
The world is full of pricks
Internet goes berserk as cartoon character dies
11,000 children dead in Syria, Internet not really bothered
Diana Watch, 25th November 2013: 'still dead'
Free service complies with it's terms and conditions
Hysterical media jumps to conclusions
Newspaper fails to grasp how democracy works
Country opts to move back to the stone age
MacGyver scores an own goal
Post Office customers are dicks
China gets a bit Falklands-y over islands
The nudes in brief: Mathew Wright
Celesbians is a word now
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Sunday 24 November 2013
The news in brief 24th November 2013
The news in brief celebrity special:
Singer has one job. ONE JOB!
Woman wears boots
Man wears the same outfit TWICE
Couple moves house
Consenting couple might be doing it
Women wears BLACK
Couple to get married
Definition of celebrity apparently includes friends and family
Musician likes her daughter
Woman wears WHITE
Pregnant woman wears loose fitting clothes
Consenting couple might not be doing it
Woman photographed not wearing make up
Paparazzi intrudes on family day out
Paparazzi intrudes on two family days out!
Celebrity gets some shopping in
Woman goes outside even though its windy
Man wears HAT!
Celebrity goes outside dressed for the weather
Celebrity goes outside not dressed for the weather
Celebrity goes outside not dressed
Celebrity goes outside
Woman fails to live up to media's narrow definition of beauty
Woman has breasts near a horse
Reading this shit so you don't have to...
Singer has one job. ONE JOB!
Woman wears boots
Man wears the same outfit TWICE
Couple moves house
Consenting couple might be doing it
Women wears BLACK
Couple to get married
Definition of celebrity apparently includes friends and family
Musician likes her daughter
Woman wears WHITE
Pregnant woman wears loose fitting clothes
Consenting couple might not be doing it
Woman photographed not wearing make up
Paparazzi intrudes on family day out
Paparazzi intrudes on two family days out!
Celebrity gets some shopping in
Woman goes outside even though its windy
Man wears HAT!
Celebrity goes outside dressed for the weather
Celebrity goes outside not dressed for the weather
Celebrity goes outside not dressed
Celebrity goes outside
Woman fails to live up to media's narrow definition of beauty
Woman has breasts near a horse
Reading this shit so you don't have to...
The news in brief 23rd November 2013:
The news in brief Christmas Countdown special #2:
Cities throughout the United Kingdom turn on their Christmas lights
Cities need to get a grip - it's only November
Going outside so you don't have to...
Cities throughout the United Kingdom turn on their Christmas lights
Cities need to get a grip - it's only November
Going outside so you don't have to...
Friday 22 November 2013
The news in brief 22nd November 2013
The news in brief:
Internet still freaking out over TV show
News pundit distracted by Google Doodle
30-year-old tastes freedom for the first time
Pair of total bastards arrested
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
JFK still making headlines
People camp out to by celebrity cast-offs
Breaking news: nuts are good for you
Letting anybody run a school might not be a good idea
Business plans to match supply to demand
Perennial strikers fail to connect the dots
Overenthusiastic school doesn't know how sick notes work
Diana Watch: Spies plotted her death
Heavy handed school backtracks over insane policy
Attention seeking hyperbitch suggests feminist is just ugly
Sometimes clowns can be good employers
Nudes in brief: Lucy Mecklenburgh (whoever that is)
Darwin award!
Pupil's hair a bit tall
IMMIGRANT ARMAGEDDON!
Absolute bastard burns down Santa's grotto
Think tank suggests state should do the parenting...
Publication makes regional changes to comply with local laws (even if they are fucking stupid laws)
Shocker: students like a tipple
Columnist smacks down homophobic parents
Footcheese is a thing now
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Internet still freaking out over TV show
News pundit distracted by Google Doodle
30-year-old tastes freedom for the first time
Pair of total bastards arrested
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
JFK still making headlines
People camp out to by celebrity cast-offs
Breaking news: nuts are good for you
Letting anybody run a school might not be a good idea
Business plans to match supply to demand
Perennial strikers fail to connect the dots
Overenthusiastic school doesn't know how sick notes work
Diana Watch: Spies plotted her death
Heavy handed school backtracks over insane policy
Attention seeking hyperbitch suggests feminist is just ugly
Sometimes clowns can be good employers
Nudes in brief: Lucy Mecklenburgh (whoever that is)
Darwin award!
Pupil's hair a bit tall
IMMIGRANT ARMAGEDDON!
Absolute bastard burns down Santa's grotto
Think tank suggests state should do the parenting...
Publication makes regional changes to comply with local laws (even if they are fucking stupid laws)
Shocker: students like a tipple
Columnist smacks down homophobic parents
Footcheese is a thing now
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Thursday 21 November 2013
The news in brief 21st November 2013
The news in brief:
News pundit completes 31st orbit around the sun
Restaurant apologises for rap music
Competing businesses compete for business
Old couple have been married for a while
Justice should probably be done
Shooting unarmed civilians a Very Bad Thing
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Man enjoyed his job
Parents cry 'Won't somebody think of the children!?' Irony missed
Old comedians want cash
Things are looking up
Internet still excited for TV show
Weather perfectly typical
Cotton wool is not food!
Diana Watch, Cybertronian edition: Offline
Murdering fuckends: lots
Hilariously offensive students are hilariously offensive
Spitting is bad, but not £500 bad...
Clowns can be terrible employers
Nobody buys crap product
Nudes in brief: Lady Gaga
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Wednesday 20 November 2013
The news in brief 20th November 2013
The news in brief No-Shit-Sherlock special:
R2-D2 to be in new Star Wars
Reading the news so you don't have to...
R2-D2 to be in new Star Wars
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tuesday 19 November 2013
The news in brief 19th November 2013
The news in brief:
'Egyptian curse' just buses going past
TV pundits don't know how the Internet works
Google and Microsoft do as they're told
Experts say 'we told you so'
Think tank has an idea. Media goes nuts
Dude probably can tell the time
Snow doesn't cripple the UK
Hit and run driver doesn't know how Twitter works
Or vehicle tax apparently
Tweet biggest regret - so not the hit and run then?
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Performer makes poor judgement call
Cyclists outraged by common sense
'Kim keeps North covered' - still not about Korea
NHS a bit shit
Spain still a bit Falklands-y over Gibraltar
The Daily Mail and Aldi totally need to get a room
English language cries itself to sleep
IMMIGRANT APOCALYPSE!
Crackpot religion unveils time machine
Sci-fi technology for really clingy couples
Journalist hasn't watched Doctor Who
Reading the news so you don't have to...
'Egyptian curse' just buses going past
TV pundits don't know how the Internet works
Google and Microsoft do as they're told
Experts say 'we told you so'
Think tank has an idea. Media goes nuts
Dude probably can tell the time
Snow doesn't cripple the UK
Hit and run driver doesn't know how Twitter works
Or vehicle tax apparently
Tweet biggest regret - so not the hit and run then?
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Performer makes poor judgement call
Cyclists outraged by common sense
'Kim keeps North covered' - still not about Korea
NHS a bit shit
Spain still a bit Falklands-y over Gibraltar
The Daily Mail and Aldi totally need to get a room
English language cries itself to sleep
IMMIGRANT APOCALYPSE!
Crackpot religion unveils time machine
Sci-fi technology for really clingy couples
Journalist hasn't watched Doctor Who
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Sunday 17 November 2013
The news in brief 18th November 2013
Breaking news:
Bizarre weather phenomenon known as 'winter' to hit UK within the next few weeks
Northern hemisphere to tilt AWAY FROM THE SUN
Snow, wind and rain forecast
Wintery conditions could last until SPRING
Bizarre weather phenomenon known as 'winter' to hit UK within the next few weeks
Northern hemisphere to tilt AWAY FROM THE SUN
Snow, wind and rain forecast
Wintery conditions could last until SPRING
The news in brief 17th November 2013
The news in brief Celebrity Special:
Man with disposable income spends money
Business is a bit shit
Man fails to chill out max or relax all cool
Woman wears bikini
Shock: woman has cleavage
Mum tells it like it is
Controversial video is controversial
Performer performs (at performance)
Woman dresses for the weather
Celebrity's ex lives in same (enormous) city
Paparazzi intrudes on family moment
Couple enjoys museum
Why is this news: Couple argues about children's education
No shit: pregnant woman has baby bump
Famous cheater cheats
Newspaper confuses 'librarian' with 'wears glasses'
Woman dyes hair
Man SMOKES CIGAR!
Apparently nipples are news now
Reading the *ahem* 'news' so you don't have to....
Man with disposable income spends money
Business is a bit shit
Man fails to chill out max or relax all cool
Woman wears bikini
Shock: woman has cleavage
Mum tells it like it is
Controversial video is controversial
Performer performs (at performance)
Woman dresses for the weather
Celebrity's ex lives in same (enormous) city
Paparazzi intrudes on family moment
Couple enjoys museum
Why is this news: Couple argues about children's education
No shit: pregnant woman has baby bump
Famous cheater cheats
Newspaper confuses 'librarian' with 'wears glasses'
Woman dyes hair
Man SMOKES CIGAR!
Apparently nipples are news now
Reading the *ahem* 'news' so you don't have to....
Saturday 16 November 2013
The news in brief 16th November 2013
The news in brief Christmas Countdown special #1: Where has Jesus been spotted this year?
Communion wafer
Plane crash
Clouds
A dog's backside
Car Windscreen
Grilled cheese
Asteroid HEADING TOWARDS EARTH!
Google Earth
Washing up suds
Tree
Airport floor
Church (funnily enough)
Dust sheet
Googling things so you don't have to...
Communion wafer
Plane crash
Clouds
A dog's backside
Car Windscreen
Grilled cheese
Asteroid HEADING TOWARDS EARTH!
Google Earth
Washing up suds
Tree
Airport floor
Church (funnily enough)
Dust sheet
Googling things so you don't have to...
Friday 15 November 2013
The news in brief 15th November 2013
The news in brief:
Study shows some women are irrational
Internet goes nuts for TV show
Reality TV star pipped to win reality TV show
Breakfast is good for you
Country chills the fuck out
Nudes in brief: Columbia
Criminals abuse technology
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Government to bribe parents
Fact: dogs fossilize
Cardboard cops strike again
Terrorists score own goal
Newspaper exploits personal tragedy
Snow! In Winter!
Men are shit at online dating
Coffee keeps you awake
Commentators don't know how babies work
Panel show pundit doesn't understand the economy
Woman gets some shopping in
Diana Watch, Day 67: Dead
MP calls celeb out on his shit
Man likes video game
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Study shows some women are irrational
Internet goes nuts for TV show
Reality TV star pipped to win reality TV show
Breakfast is good for you
Country chills the fuck out
Nudes in brief: Columbia
Criminals abuse technology
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Government to bribe parents
Fact: dogs fossilize
Cardboard cops strike again
Terrorists score own goal
Newspaper exploits personal tragedy
Snow! In Winter!
Men are shit at online dating
Coffee keeps you awake
Commentators don't know how babies work
Panel show pundit doesn't understand the economy
Woman gets some shopping in
Diana Watch, Day 67: Dead
MP calls celeb out on his shit
Man likes video game
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Thursday 14 November 2013
The news in brief 14th November 2013
The news in brief:
Outrage: business has the heating on whilst employees are still AT WORK
Killer robots are a Bad Thing
Old man draws pension
Hurricane survivors don't need your unwanted shit
Old party frocks and cast-off heels 'useless'
113-year-old dies
Media can't make up its mind about the EU
Obama admits fuck up
'Slut' likes sex
Nudes in brief: Cheryl Cole, Nicola McClean, Gemma Atkinson, Myleene Klass, Kelly Brook, Georgina Griffith, Courtney Stodden, Heidi Klum, Helen Flanagan - Blimey!
Man likes job
Newspaper sensationalises trivial event
Supermarket lambasted for rational action
Crook has awesome name
Diana Watch, Day 66: 'still pretty much dead'
Teacher heavy handed over minute detail
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Divided opinions: Drinking game deemed a bit 'rapey'
Apparently it's still 'a bit rapey' even if everyone consents
Quantum Physics proves space is 'wibbly wobbly' and that time is 'timey wimey'
Woman has no foof
It's bird flu time again!!!
Calender raises awareness for stuff we should already know
Woman talks through film (oh my)
Miley Cyrus dressed
First trailer for remake of disturbing movie, based on disturbing book, is disturbing. No shit.
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Outrage: business has the heating on whilst employees are still AT WORK
Killer robots are a Bad Thing
Old man draws pension
Hurricane survivors don't need your unwanted shit
Old party frocks and cast-off heels 'useless'
113-year-old dies
Media can't make up its mind about the EU
Obama admits fuck up
'Slut' likes sex
Nudes in brief: Cheryl Cole, Nicola McClean, Gemma Atkinson, Myleene Klass, Kelly Brook, Georgina Griffith, Courtney Stodden, Heidi Klum, Helen Flanagan - Blimey!
Man likes job
Newspaper sensationalises trivial event
Supermarket lambasted for rational action
Crook has awesome name
Diana Watch, Day 66: 'still pretty much dead'
Teacher heavy handed over minute detail
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Divided opinions: Drinking game deemed a bit 'rapey'
Apparently it's still 'a bit rapey' even if everyone consents
Quantum Physics proves space is 'wibbly wobbly' and that time is 'timey wimey'
Woman has no foof
It's bird flu time again!!!
Calender raises awareness for stuff we should already know
Woman talks through film (oh my)
Miley Cyrus dressed
First trailer for remake of disturbing movie, based on disturbing book, is disturbing. No shit.
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Wednesday 13 November 2013
The news in brief 13th November 2013
The news in brief:
Economy slightly less shit
Pantomime character 'obnoxious not old'
Dead spy found padlocked in holdall 'probably an accident'
Dimbleby to ignore pedants
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Nudes in brief: Courtney Stodden (whoever that is), Amy Willerton, Helen Flanagan, Jeff Probst
Pop star parodies music industry
Commentators miss the joke
'Kim holds North close' headline apparently not about Korea
Paparazzi intrude on family crisis
Diana Watch, Day 65: fears for her dress-maker in the jungle. (she's still dead though)
News reader abused for having beliefs
Internet commentators miss the point
Tossers: 4
Man goes to sister's graduation
Woman doesn't wear make-up
Man dyes hair!
Pricks start their own gang
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Economy slightly less shit
Pantomime character 'obnoxious not old'
Dead spy found padlocked in holdall 'probably an accident'
Dimbleby to ignore pedants
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Nudes in brief: Courtney Stodden (whoever that is), Amy Willerton, Helen Flanagan, Jeff Probst
Pop star parodies music industry
Commentators miss the joke
'Kim holds North close' headline apparently not about Korea
Paparazzi intrude on family crisis
Diana Watch, Day 65: fears for her dress-maker in the jungle. (she's still dead though)
News reader abused for having beliefs
Internet commentators miss the point
Tossers: 4
Man goes to sister's graduation
Woman doesn't wear make-up
Man dyes hair!
Pricks start their own gang
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tuesday 12 November 2013
The news in brief 12th November 2013
The news in brief:
Home Office a bit heavy handed
Tabloid exploits misery to sell papers
Met Office saves the day
Diana Watch, day 64: dog named after Lady Diana. (Lady Diana is still dead)
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
New mums bribed with Poundshop vouchers
Apparently new mums need knock-off toys, duff batteries, dried up felt tips and twelve packs of lighters
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Shock: consenting adult gets tattoo
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Woman dresses for the weather
IMMIGRANT MENACE!
Stop the press: Law applied fairly
Business makes money
Animal testing uses animals
Hilariously offensive t-shirts hilariously offensive
Horrific pricks: 5
Nudes in brief: David Beckham
Roomba commits suicide
Miley Watch: 40% covered
Woman wears skirt
People attend birthday party
Attention seeking hyperbitch finally silenced
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Home Office a bit heavy handed
Tabloid exploits misery to sell papers
Met Office saves the day
Diana Watch, day 64: dog named after Lady Diana. (Lady Diana is still dead)
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
New mums bribed with Poundshop vouchers
Apparently new mums need knock-off toys, duff batteries, dried up felt tips and twelve packs of lighters
Man's inhumanity to man continues apace
Shock: consenting adult gets tattoo
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Woman dresses for the weather
IMMIGRANT MENACE!
Stop the press: Law applied fairly
Business makes money
Animal testing uses animals
Hilariously offensive t-shirts hilariously offensive
Horrific pricks: 5
Nudes in brief: David Beckham
Roomba commits suicide
Miley Watch: 40% covered
Woman wears skirt
People attend birthday party
Attention seeking hyperbitch finally silenced
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Monday 11 November 2013
The news in brief 11th November 2013
The news in brief:
UK stops to remember the fallen
Village for sale!
Definition of 'celebrity' stretched almost to breaking point
Semi-competent news blog reaches 2000 hits
Christmas adverts brings out hoards of mean-spirited Internet losers
Indian Mars probe goes a bit wrong
Diana Watch, day 63: her dress designer's going in the jungle. She's still dead.
Hundreds of thoroughly decent people attend stranger's funeral
Closing Walk-in Centres is a Bad Idea
Attention seeking harlot goes too far
Evicted 'criminal family from hell' are going to go where and do what now?
Hospitals not psychic
Despicable scumbags: 2
Elephant beats the shit out of hippo
Shock: Steaming vegetables is good for you
Nudes in brief: Selena Gomez,
Santa themed fatalities: 1
Man wins Darwin award
Insaniac nails nadsack to the floor
Singer borrows dress from Thunderbirds
Tidalwave of Romanians will end our way of life (apparently)
Man's wallet is too small for all his fifties (and his diamond shoes are too tight)
Reading the news so you don't have to...
UK stops to remember the fallen
Village for sale!
Definition of 'celebrity' stretched almost to breaking point
Semi-competent news blog reaches 2000 hits
Christmas adverts brings out hoards of mean-spirited Internet losers
Indian Mars probe goes a bit wrong
Diana Watch, day 63: her dress designer's going in the jungle. She's still dead.
Hundreds of thoroughly decent people attend stranger's funeral
Closing Walk-in Centres is a Bad Idea
Attention seeking harlot goes too far
Evicted 'criminal family from hell' are going to go where and do what now?
Hospitals not psychic
Despicable scumbags: 2
Elephant beats the shit out of hippo
Shock: Steaming vegetables is good for you
Nudes in brief: Selena Gomez,
Santa themed fatalities: 1
Man wins Darwin award
Insaniac nails nadsack to the floor
Singer borrows dress from Thunderbirds
Tidalwave of Romanians will end our way of life (apparently)
Man's wallet is too small for all his fifties (and his diamond shoes are too tight)
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Sunday 10 November 2013
The news in brief 10th November 2013
The news in brief celebrity special:
Breaking news: woman fidgets
Woman wears dress
Scandal: close colleagues express affection
Pot calls kettle black
Woman doesn't wear engagement ring
Friends have a favourite restaurant
Newspaper speculates about people's private lives
Paparazzi looks for news where none exists
Eccentric singer wears crazy clothes
Woman doesn't wear make-up (except when she does)
Actress wears clothes
Model goes out without boyfriend
Mum is a bit clingy
Two celebrities look vaguely like each other
Newspaper promotes narrow definition of beauty
Instagram posts are new now?
Reality TV show a bit staged
Nudes in brief: Helen Flanagan, Myleene Klass, Jessica Jane Clement, Ashley Roberts, Abbey Clancy
Newspaper stretches the definition of the word identical
Women wear similar dresses
Skimming through this shit so you don't have to...
Breaking news: woman fidgets
Woman wears dress
Scandal: close colleagues express affection
Pot calls kettle black
Woman doesn't wear engagement ring
Friends have a favourite restaurant
Newspaper speculates about people's private lives
Paparazzi looks for news where none exists
Eccentric singer wears crazy clothes
Woman doesn't wear make-up (except when she does)
Actress wears clothes
Model goes out without boyfriend
Mum is a bit clingy
Two celebrities look vaguely like each other
Newspaper promotes narrow definition of beauty
Instagram posts are new now?
Reality TV show a bit staged
Nudes in brief: Helen Flanagan, Myleene Klass, Jessica Jane Clement, Ashley Roberts, Abbey Clancy
Newspaper stretches the definition of the word identical
Women wear similar dresses
Skimming through this shit so you don't have to...
Saturday 9 November 2013
The news in brief 9th November 2013
The news in brief horoscope special:
Aries: Hard work leads to success
Taurus: Hard work leads to success
Gemini: Hard work leads to success
Cancer: Hard work leads to success
Leo: Relax. Inheritance leads to success
Virgo: Hard work leads to success
Libra: Hard work leads to success
Scorpio: Hard work leads to success
Sagittarius: Hard work leads to success
Capricorn: Chill the fuck out. You work too hard
Aquarius: Hard work leads to success
Pisces: Hard work leads to success
Pretty sure they just make this shit up as they go along.
Reading the horoscopes so you don't have to....
Aries: Hard work leads to success
Taurus: Hard work leads to success
Gemini: Hard work leads to success
Cancer: Hard work leads to success
Leo: Relax. Inheritance leads to success
Virgo: Hard work leads to success
Libra: Hard work leads to success
Scorpio: Hard work leads to success
Sagittarius: Hard work leads to success
Capricorn: Chill the fuck out. You work too hard
Aquarius: Hard work leads to success
Pisces: Hard work leads to success
Pretty sure they just make this shit up as they go along.
Reading the horoscopes so you don't have to....
Friday 8 November 2013
The news in brief 8th November 2013
The news in brief:
Tabloid buries facts at the bottom of page 2
Innocent holiday snap declared immoral
Teacher sacked for no discernible reason
Police bored of sorting out Facebook squabbles
UK sobs as new Christmas ad yanks at the heartstrings
Media doesn't know its army guys from its navy guys
Doctor Who's still on
Hilarious use of Scrabble pieces
Newspapers roll out last year's Christmas stories
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Diana Watch, day 60: Telegraph finds a way to shoe-horn her into a headline
JFK Watch: 'Still dead'
People are pricks on the Internet
Horrible shits: 2
Ancient Romans invented Facebook
Newspaper indulges in a bit of cyberbullying
(two inches below an article criticising cyberbullies)
Breaking: shop bludgeons our kids with gender stereotypes
Nudes in brief: Kate Moss, Rihanna (again)
THE SPIDER INVASION CONTINUES!
Man takes nap
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tabloid buries facts at the bottom of page 2
Innocent holiday snap declared immoral
Teacher sacked for no discernible reason
Police bored of sorting out Facebook squabbles
UK sobs as new Christmas ad yanks at the heartstrings
Media doesn't know its army guys from its navy guys
Doctor Who's still on
Hilarious use of Scrabble pieces
Newspapers roll out last year's Christmas stories
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Diana Watch, day 60: Telegraph finds a way to shoe-horn her into a headline
JFK Watch: 'Still dead'
People are pricks on the Internet
Horrible shits: 2
Ancient Romans invented Facebook
Newspaper indulges in a bit of cyberbullying
(two inches below an article criticising cyberbullies)
Breaking: shop bludgeons our kids with gender stereotypes
Nudes in brief: Kate Moss, Rihanna (again)
THE SPIDER INVASION CONTINUES!
Man takes nap
Reading the news so you don't have to...
The news in brief 7th November 2013
The news in brief:
Exclusive: Semi-competent news blog takes night off as writer and editor have date night
Shocker: Man and woman who probably shouldn't be eating hamburgers eat hamburgers
Outrage: Newborn baby cooed over by waiting staff
Exposé: Halloumi cheese is delicious
Breaking news: nice time was had by all
Not reading the news, so you have to...
Exclusive: Semi-competent news blog takes night off as writer and editor have date night
Shocker: Man and woman who probably shouldn't be eating hamburgers eat hamburgers
Outrage: Newborn baby cooed over by waiting staff
Exposé: Halloumi cheese is delicious
Breaking news: nice time was had by all
Not reading the news, so you have to...
Thursday 7 November 2013
Wednesday 6 November 2013
The news in brief 6th November 2013
The news in brief:
One person abuses item of clothing: BAN IT FOR EVERYONE!
Hilariously offensive costume is hilariously offensive
Rat invasion!
Job Centre a bit heavy handed
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Spider Invasion!
Aircraft carriers are expensive
Old woman doesn't adhere to preconceived stereotype
Kids like toys
Think-tank continues drive to eliminate parenting
Newspaper presents thought-experiment as fact
UK good little Europeans
FEAR!
Horrible c*nts: 3
Nudes in brief: Rihanna, Mollie King, Jennifer Aniston, Chantelle Houghton (again)
Woman wants market value for her house
Scientists state the obvious
Diana Watch: 'still dead'
Husband puts dumb hobby over wife's safety
Shop uses woman-shaped mannequins
Religious text might not be bullshit after all
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tuesday 5 November 2013
The news in brief 5th November 2013
The news in brief:
Nation has pretty skewed priorities
Halloween costumes beat the shit out of making Guys
Exception portrayed as the norm
Politician makes promises
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Nudes in brief: Sam Faiers, Chantelle Houghton
You can be in Star Wars!
People are shit at passwords
Ofsted suggests removing parents from the equation altogether
Newspaper sensationalises family tragedy
Judge has dumb idea
University dorms home to many students
Sub-human scum: 3
Diana Watch, day 57: forgot to check. Presume dead.
Titular character in show
Man picks baby name
Reading the news so you don't have to....
Nation has pretty skewed priorities
Halloween costumes beat the shit out of making Guys
Exception portrayed as the norm
Politician makes promises
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Nudes in brief: Sam Faiers, Chantelle Houghton
You can be in Star Wars!
People are shit at passwords
Ofsted suggests removing parents from the equation altogether
Newspaper sensationalises family tragedy
Judge has dumb idea
University dorms home to many students
Sub-human scum: 3
Diana Watch, day 57: forgot to check. Presume dead.
Titular character in show
Man picks baby name
Reading the news so you don't have to....
Monday 4 November 2013
The news in brief 4th November 2013
The news in brief:
You-know-who onto prime suspect number 3...
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Newspaper posts misleading headline
Woman respects another culture
Despicable wankers: 4
Man fucks up own arm. FOR SCIENCE!
Newspaper's love affair with Aldi continues
Diana Watch, day 56: 'Still pretty dead'
Nudes in brief: Sally Gifford Piper, Miranda Kerr
People too dumb to compare prices
The arachnid invasion continues!
Mutilating young women is a Very Bad Thing
Calender has different picture every month
Man enjoyed job
Media misses the point of Minority Report
People use Facebook to find people
Newspaper incites racial hatred
Attention seeking hyperbitch strikes again
Reading the news so you don't have to...
You-know-who onto prime suspect number 3...
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Newspaper posts misleading headline
Woman respects another culture
Despicable wankers: 4
Man fucks up own arm. FOR SCIENCE!
Newspaper's love affair with Aldi continues
Diana Watch, day 56: 'Still pretty dead'
Nudes in brief: Sally Gifford Piper, Miranda Kerr
People too dumb to compare prices
The arachnid invasion continues!
Mutilating young women is a Very Bad Thing
Calender has different picture every month
Man enjoyed job
Media misses the point of Minority Report
People use Facebook to find people
Newspaper incites racial hatred
Attention seeking hyperbitch strikes again
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Sunday 3 November 2013
The news in brief 3rd November 2013
The news in brief celebrity special:
Shocker: wife not fond of husband's mistress
Woman can be bitches
Man and woman may or may not be a couple
Unnamed, unverifiable sources gives us their two cents
Two dresses sort-of similar
Singer changes dress
Married couple pop out for a bit
Reality TV star shows off her bum
Reality TV star shows off her knickers
Singer objects to being assaulted
Musician eats hamburger
People like David Tennant
Pregnant woman goes outside
Actress looks a bit different without make-up
Celebrity has popular party item. At a party.
Reality TV star may have exaggerated 'poverty'
Man wants to clear his to-do list
Opinion: Myleene Klass is pretty
Footballer has more money than sense
Latin dancing a bit saucy
Woman wears dress
Woman doesn't wear dress
Celebrity pops to the shops
Wondering how this horse-shit is news, so you don't have to...
Shocker: wife not fond of husband's mistress
Woman can be bitches
Man and woman may or may not be a couple
Unnamed, unverifiable sources gives us their two cents
Two dresses sort-of similar
Singer changes dress
Married couple pop out for a bit
Reality TV star shows off her bum
Reality TV star shows off her knickers
Singer objects to being assaulted
Musician eats hamburger
People like David Tennant
Pregnant woman goes outside
Actress looks a bit different without make-up
Celebrity has popular party item. At a party.
Reality TV star may have exaggerated 'poverty'
Man wants to clear his to-do list
Opinion: Myleene Klass is pretty
Footballer has more money than sense
Latin dancing a bit saucy
Woman wears dress
Woman doesn't wear dress
Celebrity pops to the shops
Wondering how this horse-shit is news, so you don't have to...
Saturday 2 November 2013
The news in brief 2nd November 2013
The news in brief horoscope special:
Aries: Sex and hobbies are good for you.
Libra: You may receive something nice. Or not.
Taurus: Don't be a dick.
Scorpio: Being positive is good for you. Get a job.
Gemini: Do your research before starting a business.
Sagittarius: Your friends like you.
Cancer: Being positive is good for you. You might find love in an antique shop. Or maybe not.
Capricorn: Being positive is good for you. Don't be a dick.
Leo: Being positive is good for you.
Aquarius: Being positive is good for you. Get a job.
Virgo: Being positive is good for you.
Pisces: Being positive is good for you. Don't be a dick.
Perhaps they don't expect someone to read all twelve of them.
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Aries: Sex and hobbies are good for you.
Libra: You may receive something nice. Or not.
Taurus: Don't be a dick.
Scorpio: Being positive is good for you. Get a job.
Gemini: Do your research before starting a business.
Sagittarius: Your friends like you.
Cancer: Being positive is good for you. You might find love in an antique shop. Or maybe not.
Capricorn: Being positive is good for you. Don't be a dick.
Leo: Being positive is good for you.
Aquarius: Being positive is good for you. Get a job.
Virgo: Being positive is good for you.
Pisces: Being positive is good for you. Don't be a dick.
Perhaps they don't expect someone to read all twelve of them.
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Friday 1 November 2013
The news in brief 1st November 2013
The news in brief:
Education system reverts to dark ages
One bad day could scupper your kids' whole future
Footballer keeps it in the family
US admits maybe went a bit too far
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Council wastes thousands watching ill woman pop to the shops
Zombies take over Tokyo
Singer gets a bit raunchy
Evil genie attacks factory
We're going to have some more weather
You-know-who story gets even more soap opera-y
Newspaper incites racial hatred
Model not wearing Halloween costume
Dull middle aged TV presenter suggests his life is dull and middle aged
Nazi dad goes shopping
Government tactic not racist - just really fucking stupid
Nudes in brief: Miley, Lil' Kim, Sarah Armstrong and Daniel Radcliffe
Striking Firemen break strike to be AWESOME HEROES!
'Go Home' vans hilariously unsuccessful
Diana Watch, day 52: 'oddly quiet but still dead'
Exclusive: graffiti suggests light transit railway has you-know-who
Deplorable Prickfaces: 2
Deplorable Prickfaces: 2
Newspaper obsessed with 'celebrity drinks juice' pictures
Everyone from the 70's probably a rapist
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Thursday 31 October 2013
The news in brief 31st October 2013
The news in brief:
HAPPY HALLOWE'EN FROM THE NEWS IN BRIEF!
Not reading the news and neither are you...
HAPPY HALLOWE'EN FROM THE NEWS IN BRIEF!
Not reading the news and neither are you...
Wednesday 30 October 2013
The news in brief 30th October 2013
The news in brief:
Diana Watch Day 51: SHE SPEAKS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!!!
How can I top that?
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Diana Watch Day 51: SHE SPEAKS FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!!!
How can I top that?
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tuesday 29 October 2013
The news in brief 29th October 2013
The news in brief::
Bit of pot / kettle in high places
Size 12 is apparently 'plus-sized' now
Woman wears trousers
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Singer may or may not have a new boyfriend
Actress wears coat
Kung-fu pensioner
Deplorable fuckends: 6
Celebrity drinks a milkshake!
Misleading headline belittles family tragedy
Diana Watch, day 50: still 'dead'
English still terribly English
The future is literally shit!
Undercover cops should probably stop fucking suspects
Unmanned drone heroically bombs target
Genuine line of enquiry 'libel' now
Bunch of pensioners' opinion is apparently news
Website states the obvious
Reading the news so you don't have to....
Bit of pot / kettle in high places
Size 12 is apparently 'plus-sized' now
Woman wears trousers
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Singer may or may not have a new boyfriend
Actress wears coat
Kung-fu pensioner
Deplorable fuckends: 6
Celebrity drinks a milkshake!
Misleading headline belittles family tragedy
Diana Watch, day 50: still 'dead'
English still terribly English
The future is literally shit!
Undercover cops should probably stop fucking suspects
Unmanned drone heroically bombs target
Genuine line of enquiry 'libel' now
Bunch of pensioners' opinion is apparently news
Website states the obvious
Reading the news so you don't have to....
Monday 28 October 2013
The news in brief 28th October 2013
The news in brief:
4 confirmed fatalities
Homes destroyed
625,000 families without power
Twitter users crack jokes about it
US a bit red-faced
Deplorable shitcunts: 8
Diana Watch, day 49: 'pretty sure she's dead'
Man 'fucking stupid'
Thing cost more in other countries
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Opinion piece states the obvious
News website reads our Terms and Conditions for us
Celebrity's jumper rides up a bit
Mediocre TV show gets a reboot
PM states the obvious
Singer doesn't wear make up
Newspaper's love affair with Aldi continues
Woman apparently not entitled to her opinion
Drugs are bad for you
Things cost less in other countries
Family break up our business now
Think tanks states the obvious
Reading the news so you don't have to...
4 confirmed fatalities
Homes destroyed
625,000 families without power
Twitter users crack jokes about it
US a bit red-faced
Deplorable shitcunts: 8
Diana Watch, day 49: 'pretty sure she's dead'
Man 'fucking stupid'
Thing cost more in other countries
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Opinion piece states the obvious
News website reads our Terms and Conditions for us
Celebrity's jumper rides up a bit
Mediocre TV show gets a reboot
PM states the obvious
Singer doesn't wear make up
Newspaper's love affair with Aldi continues
Woman apparently not entitled to her opinion
Drugs are bad for you
Things cost less in other countries
Family break up our business now
Think tanks states the obvious
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Sunday 27 October 2013
The news in brief 27th October 2013:
The news in brief celebrity special:
No-one injured in minor prang
Newly engaged woman shows off ring
Family exercises together
Man and woman may or may not be couple
Family takes a holiday
News reader did something legal years ago
Woman wears dress
Professional saucepot whores it up again
Pregnant couple excited
Stop the press: two women who know each other go to same party
Woman does not live up to newspaper's narrow definition of beauty
Older woman does live up to newspaper's narrow definition of beauty
Man has muscles
Man goes to work
Shock: Paparazzi photographs celebrity wearing scruffy clothes
Little boy wears superhero tee-shirt
Wondering why any of this shit is news so you don't have to...
No-one injured in minor prang
Newly engaged woman shows off ring
Family exercises together
Man and woman may or may not be couple
Family takes a holiday
News reader did something legal years ago
Woman wears dress
Professional saucepot whores it up again
Pregnant couple excited
Stop the press: two women who know each other go to same party
Woman does not live up to newspaper's narrow definition of beauty
Older woman does live up to newspaper's narrow definition of beauty
Man has muscles
Man goes to work
Shock: Paparazzi photographs celebrity wearing scruffy clothes
Little boy wears superhero tee-shirt
Wondering why any of this shit is news so you don't have to...
The news in brief 26th October 2013
The news in brief how-cute-are-they special:
Baby ducklings play on a water slide
Going awwwwwwwww so you don't have to...
Baby ducklings play on a water slide
Going awwwwwwwww so you don't have to...
Saturday 26 October 2013
Friday 25 October 2013
The news in brief 25th October 2013
The news in brief:
Light transit railways upsets all of Tyne and Wear
You-know-who still missing
Scotland's economy lives to fight another day
Diana Watch, day 46: 'still dead'
Great British public remembers about the badgers
Things are kinda looking up
Think-tank states the obvious
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Top doctor suggests nanny state
Murdering bastard imprisoned
Opinions divided: bitches stop fucking
Watson and Crick strike again
Another non-abduction abduction
Hereditary titles splash baby with magic water
House for sale
Deplorable Horsefuckers: 4
Man plans on retiring
We're going to have some weather
Woman doesn't wear make up
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Thursday 24 October 2013
The news in brief 24th October 2013
The news in brief in-a-not-too-distant-future special:
US city goes bankrupt
Old Detroit franchised to amoral corporation
Enforcement droid unveiled
Board member killed in tragic accident
Bank robbery - money burned
Man flung at police car
Police corner gang in old iron factory
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Policewoman wounded
Policeman killed
Amoral corporation releases cyborg policeman
Diana Watch, day 7300: hopefully dead this time
Cyborg policeman cleans up city
Cyborg policeman storms meth lab - conspiracy uncovered
Dead or alive you're coming with me
Robot throw down ruins corporate building
Murdered father avenges himself
Terrible sequels
Wishing I was watching Robocop so you don't have to....
Wednesday 23 October 2013
The news in brief 23rd October 2013
The news in brief:
Newspaper spreads racial intolerance
British public already made up its mind about ethnic group it just learned about
Arachnid invasion!
No you-know-who stories today
Pretty baker is pretty smart too
Baby christened
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Bigoted police might be a touch overzealous
Family thankful to Watson and Crick
Stuff in space is pretty far away
Christened child has god parents
Deplorable horsefucker count: 7
Apparently people's tweets count as news now
Diana Watch, day 45: still 'dead'
Hypersensitive airbags scupper cars
MPs make knee-jerk decisions
Paparazzi intrudes on father/son moment
Paparazzi intrudes on mother/daughter moment
Model whores it up a bit
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tuesday 22 October 2013
The news in brief 22nd October 2013
The news in brief:
Wait, I though a 14-year-old couldn't be predatory?!
Business takes flack for not parenting for us
Politician ignores facts
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Armchair baking aficionados freak out
You-know-who still missing
Inflammatory hate wagons a 'bad idea'
Diana Watch, day 44: still pretty dead
Old lady has a day out
CONSUME! Your tablet PC just isn't thin enough anymore
Nation reverts to bronze aged morality
Steroids are bad, mmmkay
News website puts 'graphic content' warning after graphic content
News pundit does a little sick in mouth
Idiot is jailed for fucking stupidy
Man makes profit on house sale
(this is even less newsworthy when the news yesterday was that house prices were up...)
Some celebrities do some everyday stuff
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Wait, I though a 14-year-old couldn't be predatory?!
Business takes flack for not parenting for us
Politician ignores facts
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Armchair baking aficionados freak out
You-know-who still missing
Inflammatory hate wagons a 'bad idea'
Diana Watch, day 44: still pretty dead
Old lady has a day out
CONSUME! Your tablet PC just isn't thin enough anymore
Nation reverts to bronze aged morality
Steroids are bad, mmmkay
News website puts 'graphic content' warning after graphic content
News pundit does a little sick in mouth
Idiot is jailed for fucking stupidy
Man makes profit on house sale
(this is even less newsworthy when the news yesterday was that house prices were up...)
Some celebrities do some everyday stuff
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Monday 21 October 2013
The news in brief 21st October 2013
The news in brief 21st October 2013:
Nuclear power plant will solve all of our problems
Scientists find cure for distinguishedness
Nuclear power plant will ruin us all
You-know-who still missing
Fracking seems like small potatoes now, huh?
Tasty apples more popular than sour bastards
Social media giant suggests people need to see shit in order to condemn it
House prices are up - hooray!
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Tragic council fuck up
US president has ninja reflexes
Diana Watch, day 43: still pretty dead
Another business doesn't know how Twitter works
House prices are up - booooo!
Celebrities wear monster make up for Hallowe'en
Exercise is good for you
Professional tart whores it up again
Woman wears a dress
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Sunday 20 October 2013
The news in brief 20th October 2013
The news in brief celebrity special:
Barbie looks different without her make up
Woman wears trousers
TV show gets a new series
Website confuses product promotion for news
Paparazzi thinks holiday maker's tits are our business
Dancer releases calender
Newspaper confuses product promotion for news
Sexually active, breeding-aged woman pregnant
Woman goes jogging
Two unrelated woman wear kinda similar dresses
Newspaper stretches definition of 'same'
Woman has big handbag
Latin dancing is a bit racy
Musician states the obvious
Man does his job
Overblown, saccharine, nauseating, karaoke teen drama pretty much condones drug abuse
Overblown, saccharine, nauseating, karaoke teen drama set to finish
Action man looks different with make up
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Barbie looks different without her make up
Woman wears trousers
TV show gets a new series
Website confuses product promotion for news
Paparazzi thinks holiday maker's tits are our business
Dancer releases calender
Newspaper confuses product promotion for news
Sexually active, breeding-aged woman pregnant
Woman goes jogging
Two unrelated woman wear kinda similar dresses
Newspaper stretches definition of 'same'
Woman has big handbag
Latin dancing is a bit racy
Musician states the obvious
Man does his job
Overblown, saccharine, nauseating, karaoke teen drama pretty much condones drug abuse
Overblown, saccharine, nauseating, karaoke teen drama set to finish
Action man looks different with make up
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Saturday 19 October 2013
The news in brief 19th October 2013
The news in brief who-gives-a-shit special:
Driving instructor doesn't recognise Adele
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Driving instructor doesn't recognise Adele
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Friday 18 October 2013
The news in brief 18th October 2013
The news in brief:
Vote to divide our Great Nation (and pocket £1.30 per week)
Scotland might have to start paying for prescriptions mind.
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Study suggests babies like peekaboo
You-know-who still missing
Intolerant bigot takes to the streets
Twins are not the same person
Diana Watch, day 40: We checked Wikipedia, still dead
MP suggest we should look after each other
Missing girl found, but newspaper makes it all about you-know-who...
Boris Johnson is not responsible for bicycle accidents any more than Halfords is. Dumb fucks
Prime Minister doesn't mention jumpers
Newspaper apparently hasn't read the Encyclopaedia Britannica page about False Widow spiders
Woman shops at Poundland
Drugged up megafan attacks director whose films keep their favourite franchise going. Irony lost
Autumnal weather forecast
Celebrity couple splits
Someone finally asked pregnant MP her opinion
Singer eats a sweet
Remember - it's okay to bully gingers (apparently)
Paper fawns over youthful megastar
Aged celebrity looks pretty old to me
Woman wears neutral colours
Headline announces England team's 'secret weapon'
Definition of 'secret' becomes lost in translation
Plebgate - don't say sorry unless you mean it
Crimean Astrophysical Observatory says 1:63000 odds asteroid might hit us.
NASA says no
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Vote to divide our Great Nation (and pocket £1.30 per week)
Scotland might have to start paying for prescriptions mind.
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Study suggests babies like peekaboo
You-know-who still missing
Intolerant bigot takes to the streets
Twins are not the same person
Diana Watch, day 40: We checked Wikipedia, still dead
MP suggest we should look after each other
Missing girl found, but newspaper makes it all about you-know-who...
Boris Johnson is not responsible for bicycle accidents any more than Halfords is. Dumb fucks
Prime Minister doesn't mention jumpers
Newspaper apparently hasn't read the Encyclopaedia Britannica page about False Widow spiders
Woman shops at Poundland
Drugged up megafan attacks director whose films keep their favourite franchise going. Irony lost
Autumnal weather forecast
Celebrity couple splits
Someone finally asked pregnant MP her opinion
Singer eats a sweet
Remember - it's okay to bully gingers (apparently)
Paper fawns over youthful megastar
Aged celebrity looks pretty old to me
Woman wears neutral colours
Headline announces England team's 'secret weapon'
Definition of 'secret' becomes lost in translation
Plebgate - don't say sorry unless you mean it
Crimean Astrophysical Observatory says 1:63000 odds asteroid might hit us.
NASA says no
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Thursday 17 October 2013
The news in brief 17th October 2013
The news in brief:
Attention seeking hyper-bitch is at it again
Deplorable thundercunt steals, defrauds, then cripples a charity
Man eats chicken in Nandos
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Pregnant woman stands up for a bit
Diana Watch, day 39: 'still' dead
Dysfunctional school is dysfunctional
You-know-who still missing
Policeman doesn't arrest man for not breaking the law
Business transaction occurs
Shit parents are shits
Woman wears bikini
Psychic predicts her own predictable death
Businesses compete for business
Self-righteous pricks confess crimes on TV
Woman goes for brunch
The Yeti might just be real!
Man catches fish
Celebrity releases book
Utility company has apparently never used Twitter before
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Attention seeking hyper-bitch is at it again
Deplorable thundercunt steals, defrauds, then cripples a charity
Man eats chicken in Nandos
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Pregnant woman stands up for a bit
Diana Watch, day 39: 'still' dead
Dysfunctional school is dysfunctional
You-know-who still missing
Policeman doesn't arrest man for not breaking the law
Business transaction occurs
Shit parents are shits
Woman wears bikini
Psychic predicts her own predictable death
Businesses compete for business
Self-righteous pricks confess crimes on TV
Woman goes for brunch
The Yeti might just be real!
Man catches fish
Celebrity releases book
Utility company has apparently never used Twitter before
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Wednesday 16 October 2013
The news in brief 16th October 2013
The news in brief:
America decides to play nice.
World's economy climbs down from the ceiling
Diana Watch, day 38: still 'dead'
Feminist group argues for woman to be treated differently
Men are evil and are the source of all crime
More people have jobs - UK still not happy
Brits are cheeky buggers
Woman wears boots
Standing up is good for you
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
You-know-who still missing
Woman had a shit job once
Crime Lords promise to be dicks
Family has more kids than they can afford
Great British public really hate pretty baker
Man cuts off own nose to spite face
Determined not to give companies money - by leeching off other people
Paparazzi intrude on family moment
Celeb wears slutty dress
Model whips her top off again
Reading the news so you don't have to...
America decides to play nice.
World's economy climbs down from the ceiling
Diana Watch, day 38: still 'dead'
Feminist group argues for woman to be treated differently
Men are evil and are the source of all crime
More people have jobs - UK still not happy
Brits are cheeky buggers
Woman wears boots
Standing up is good for you
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
You-know-who still missing
Woman had a shit job once
Crime Lords promise to be dicks
Family has more kids than they can afford
Great British public really hate pretty baker
Man cuts off own nose to spite face
Determined not to give companies money - by leeching off other people
Paparazzi intrude on family moment
Celeb wears slutty dress
Model whips her top off again
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tuesday 15 October 2013
The news in brief 15th October 2013
The news in brief:
Rihanna gets Thailand arrested
Man does his job
Clangers!
Grammar Nazis take over school, yeah
Hilarious driving mishap
Iran executes criminal twice
Clangers!
Oxford University asks some hard questions
Cabbage is good for you
U.S. still closed; world economy shits itself
Diana Watch, day 37: 'still dead'
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Airbrushing still sets unrealistic expectations
Police no longer looking for a man carrying child
Police now looking for man carrying blonde child
Clangers!
Activist mistakes hypothesis for evidence
Magazine editor barely restrains facial tourettes
Paparazzi intrudes on family holiday
Celebrity baker suggest you can be young, pretty AND good at something
Man buys puppies
Clangers!
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Rihanna gets Thailand arrested
Man does his job
Clangers!
Grammar Nazis take over school, yeah
Hilarious driving mishap
Iran executes criminal twice
Clangers!
Oxford University asks some hard questions
Cabbage is good for you
U.S. still closed; world economy shits itself
Diana Watch, day 37: 'still dead'
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Airbrushing still sets unrealistic expectations
Police no longer looking for a man carrying child
Police now looking for man carrying blonde child
Clangers!
Activist mistakes hypothesis for evidence
Magazine editor barely restrains facial tourettes
Paparazzi intrudes on family holiday
Celebrity baker suggest you can be young, pretty AND good at something
Man buys puppies
Clangers!
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Monday 14 October 2013
The news in brief 14th October 2013
The news in brief:
Mild euphoria as the News in Brief returns
News pundit has forgotten the meaning of 'sleep'
Despite a week off, religion's bodycount continues to mount
Diana Watch, day 36: 'still dead'
Health and fucking safety
High-fives are totally dangerous
Celebrity baker speaks common sense
Outraged Daily Mail readers miss the point
America still closed. Please leave a message with Australia and they'll get back to you.
Republicans really must hate health care. Brits and Canadians baffled.
Woman goes for jog
E-fits kinda look like Chuckle Brothers
Reykjavik has lots of writers
Headmaster has stupid ideas
Nation wonders 'who still uses paper invites anyway?'
Kate Winslet looks nice
Opinions divided - Parents of missing girl kinda responsible?
Crimewatch Special: seems family didn't spend a lot time together on family holiday
Crimewatch Special: how long does it take to eat tapas?
Crimewatch Special: average sized man with brown hair carried child near crèche
Old lady's heating bills soar
Woman in warm coat shocker
Celebrity may have been air brushed
MP needs 'sensitivity training'
Jimmy Savile responsible for every crime since 1926
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Mild euphoria as the News in Brief returns
News pundit has forgotten the meaning of 'sleep'
Despite a week off, religion's bodycount continues to mount
Diana Watch, day 36: 'still dead'
Health and fucking safety
High-fives are totally dangerous
Celebrity baker speaks common sense
Outraged Daily Mail readers miss the point
America still closed. Please leave a message with Australia and they'll get back to you.
Republicans really must hate health care. Brits and Canadians baffled.
Woman goes for jog
E-fits kinda look like Chuckle Brothers
Reykjavik has lots of writers
Headmaster has stupid ideas
Nation wonders 'who still uses paper invites anyway?'
Kate Winslet looks nice
Opinions divided - Parents of missing girl kinda responsible?
Crimewatch Special: seems family didn't spend a lot time together on family holiday
Crimewatch Special: how long does it take to eat tapas?
Crimewatch Special: average sized man with brown hair carried child near crèche
Old lady's heating bills soar
Woman in warm coat shocker
Celebrity may have been air brushed
MP needs 'sensitivity training'
Jimmy Savile responsible for every crime since 1926
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tuesday 8 October 2013
The news in brief 8th October 2013
No news in brief for a few days. Mother and baby are doing fine but no time to read a dozen different news websites and watch hours of television... normal service to resume next week.
Sunday 6 October 2013
The news in brief 6th October 2013
The news in brief celebrity special:
Artists compete for number one slot
Singer releases album
Book goes on sale
85 year old takes a sick day
Mother and daughter go to party
Paparazzi exposes woman drinking juice
Nothing compares 2 Unsolicited advice, apart from racial slurs and abuse apparently
Man goes shirtless
Celebrity dancers wear skimpy dresses
Miley Cyrus states the obvious
Woman may or may not have tattoo
Couple gets married
Woman wears nice blouse
Actress wears sweater
Paparazzi catches woman walking dog
Actress wears red
Downton is on the telly tonight
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Artists compete for number one slot
Singer releases album
Book goes on sale
85 year old takes a sick day
Mother and daughter go to party
Paparazzi exposes woman drinking juice
Nothing compares 2 Unsolicited advice, apart from racial slurs and abuse apparently
Man goes shirtless
Celebrity dancers wear skimpy dresses
Miley Cyrus states the obvious
Woman may or may not have tattoo
Couple gets married
Woman wears nice blouse
Actress wears sweater
Paparazzi catches woman walking dog
Actress wears red
Downton is on the telly tonight
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Saturday 5 October 2013
The news in brief 5th October 2013
The news in brief no-shit-Sherlock special:
Chicken nuggets are not good for you
Wondering why this is news, so you don't have to...
Chicken nuggets are not good for you
Wondering why this is news, so you don't have to...
Friday 4 October 2013
Thursday 3 October 2013
The news in brief 3rd October 2013
The news in brief:
Nothing compares 2 Unsolicited advice
Fry ups cause babies
The Internet is full of porn and pictures of kittens
Diana Watch, day 25: still 'dead'
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
UK forgets about Syria, fracking and badger culls as lottery price doubles
Students are mucky pups
Newspaper says sorry
US government still closed, please leave any packages with Canada...
Driver overreacts to fairly minor event
Supermarket in bother for keeping security room locked
Pound shop sells useless tat
Sleep is bad for you
Family tragedy is apparently news now
Public outraged by sound medical advice
Woman wears dress
Family breakup is apparently our business now
Newspaper slams very talented singer for her clothes
Actors act in film
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Nothing compares 2 Unsolicited advice
Fry ups cause babies
The Internet is full of porn and pictures of kittens
Diana Watch, day 25: still 'dead'
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
UK forgets about Syria, fracking and badger culls as lottery price doubles
Students are mucky pups
Newspaper says sorry
US government still closed, please leave any packages with Canada...
Driver overreacts to fairly minor event
Supermarket in bother for keeping security room locked
Pound shop sells useless tat
Sleep is bad for you
Family tragedy is apparently news now
Public outraged by sound medical advice
Woman wears dress
Family breakup is apparently our business now
Newspaper slams very talented singer for her clothes
Actors act in film
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Wednesday 2 October 2013
The news in brief 2nd October 2013
The news in brief:
60-year-old diary entry suddenly relevant
Jibes about dead parents apparently count as politics now
Newspaper forgets its Nazi origins
Popular newspaper doesn't understand the association fallacy.
Conservatives promise economic ruin for all
Baby tiger!
US government still closed
700,000 families still up shit creek
Brits and Canadians baffled
Diana Watch, day 24: 'still dead'
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Extremist group lowers its entry requirements
Exercise is good for you
Anecdotal evidence is apparently news now
Demure suit is deemed a bit racy
Breakfast is good for you
Woman wears belt more than once
Paparazzi invade family day out - and judges mum's clothes
Miley Cyrus might be part snake
Dinosaur Erotica is a thing now
Woman wears dress
Man's paternity questioned
Reading the news so you don't have to...
60-year-old diary entry suddenly relevant
Jibes about dead parents apparently count as politics now
Newspaper forgets its Nazi origins
Popular newspaper doesn't understand the association fallacy.
Conservatives promise economic ruin for all
Baby tiger!
US government still closed
700,000 families still up shit creek
Brits and Canadians baffled
Diana Watch, day 24: 'still dead'
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Extremist group lowers its entry requirements
Exercise is good for you
Anecdotal evidence is apparently news now
Demure suit is deemed a bit racy
Breakfast is good for you
Woman wears belt more than once
Paparazzi invade family day out - and judges mum's clothes
Miley Cyrus might be part snake
Dinosaur Erotica is a thing now
Woman wears dress
Man's paternity questioned
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tuesday 1 October 2013
The news in brief 1st October 2013
The news in brief:
Great British public wants change, just so long as it's not them who has to change
World confused by baffling US system
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Man doesn't have cancer
Anything other than 9 to 5 is a bit too much like hard work
Conflict continues in Syria, no-one cares as Western nation has tiff
Sweden is just great
'Pantomime villain' upset that he wasn't taken seriously
Fictional character may be killed off
Couples split costs
Robot can do Rubik's cube really fast
Opinion: Belgium a bit keen with the euthanasia
Hoovering is bad for you
Diana Watch, day 23: 'still dead'
Compost is bad for you
Family tragedy is apparently our business
Man who doesn't buy something has no idea how much that thing costs...
Opinion: Baby factories are a very bad thing
DIY is bad for you
We're gonna have some weather
Woman wears dress
Paparazzi intrude on family holiday
Men look good in suits
Single person goes out
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Great British public wants change, just so long as it's not them who has to change
World confused by baffling US system
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Man doesn't have cancer
Anything other than 9 to 5 is a bit too much like hard work
Conflict continues in Syria, no-one cares as Western nation has tiff
Sweden is just great
'Pantomime villain' upset that he wasn't taken seriously
Fictional character may be killed off
Couples split costs
Robot can do Rubik's cube really fast
Opinion: Belgium a bit keen with the euthanasia
Hoovering is bad for you
Diana Watch, day 23: 'still dead'
Compost is bad for you
Family tragedy is apparently our business
Man who doesn't buy something has no idea how much that thing costs...
Opinion: Baby factories are a very bad thing
DIY is bad for you
We're gonna have some weather
Woman wears dress
Paparazzi intrude on family holiday
Men look good in suits
Single person goes out
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Monday 30 September 2013
The news in brief 30th September 2013
The news in brief:
Government doesn't think about the logistics
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Environmentalist states the obvious
US senate doesn't like healthcare
Newspaper claims we're all outraged; no-one asked me
Hilarious/unfortunately placed poster
Diana Watch, day 22: 'still dead'
36 year-old is apparently still a child
Family values dogs over roof
Actor stars in film
Man promises to do his job properly
Older guy looks quite young
Moon stolen
Couple have sex in a really fucking stupid place
Speed limit to change to what we're all doing anyway
Avoiding incest? There's an app for that!
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Government doesn't think about the logistics
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Environmentalist states the obvious
US senate doesn't like healthcare
Newspaper claims we're all outraged; no-one asked me
Hilarious/unfortunately placed poster
Diana Watch, day 22: 'still dead'
36 year-old is apparently still a child
Family values dogs over roof
Actor stars in film
Man promises to do his job properly
Older guy looks quite young
Moon stolen
Couple have sex in a really fucking stupid place
Speed limit to change to what we're all doing anyway
Avoiding incest? There's an app for that!
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Sunday 29 September 2013
The news in brief 29th September 2013
The news in brief celebrity special:
Woman does yoga
Celebrity eats meal
Woman wears dress
Paparazzi invade family day out
Couple does activity together
Actress takes day off
Woman has figure
Man does job
Relationship breakdown is apparently our business
Man plays football
Mother and daughter wear similar jeans
Woman has legs
Singer glorifies drug use
Dance contestant practices dancing
Reading the Sunday news so you don't have to...
Woman does yoga
Celebrity eats meal
Woman wears dress
Paparazzi invade family day out
Couple does activity together
Actress takes day off
Woman has figure
Man does job
Relationship breakdown is apparently our business
Man plays football
Mother and daughter wear similar jeans
Woman has legs
Singer glorifies drug use
Dance contestant practices dancing
Reading the Sunday news so you don't have to...
Saturday 28 September 2013
The news in brief 28th September 2013
The news in brief we-expect-better-than-this special:
Globally renowned multi-million pound newspaper doesn't spell check headlines on its own homepage
Nitpicking the news so you don't have to...
Globally renowned multi-million pound newspaper doesn't spell check headlines on its own homepage
Nitpicking the news so you don't have to...
Friday 27 September 2013
The news in brief 27th September 2013
The news in brief:
Suspected murderers in not guilty shocker
Baby to be christened
Global Warming: science pretty sure humans are to blame
Religions bodycount continues to mount
Old lady enjoyed lunch
Slow news day: keyboard short cuts
New bank!
Report states the obvious
Pond eats another car
Supermarket recalls another hilarious/offensive product
Model punches protester
Newspaper wants us to hate benefits claimants
Diana watch, day 19: no Diana stories anywhere (but likely still dead)
Pregnant woman goes outside
Paparazzi invades privacy
Celebrity eats hamburger
Jury hears both sides of the story and makes decision
Newspaper headline only tells half the story
Nobody cares about Badgers or Fracking
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Suspected murderers in not guilty shocker
Baby to be christened
Global Warming: science pretty sure humans are to blame
Religions bodycount continues to mount
Old lady enjoyed lunch
Slow news day: keyboard short cuts
New bank!
Report states the obvious
Pond eats another car
Supermarket recalls another hilarious/offensive product
Model punches protester
Newspaper wants us to hate benefits claimants
Diana watch, day 19: no Diana stories anywhere (but likely still dead)
Pregnant woman goes outside
Paparazzi invades privacy
Celebrity eats hamburger
Jury hears both sides of the story and makes decision
Newspaper headline only tells half the story
Nobody cares about Badgers or Fracking
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Thursday 26 September 2013
The news in brief 26th September 2013
The news in brief:
Castle is quite nice
Nuclear weapons are Very Bad Things
Halloween costume causes upset
Bill Gates apologises for 3-fingered salute
Newspaper sensationalises tragedy
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
News doesn't care about Syria any more
Or Fracking
Or Badgers
BBC viewers up in arms about insignificant trivialities
Nazis still evil
Commuter acts like prick on public transport
Supermassive blackhole might do something one day
Lightsabres make long overdue move from fiction to fact
People still smoke
Man grows new nose on forehead
Catwalk models wears outrageous clothes
Woman wears denim
Diana Watch, day 18: 'still dead'
Hero dog
Another banking bungle
Girl meets boy
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Castle is quite nice
Nuclear weapons are Very Bad Things
Halloween costume causes upset
Bill Gates apologises for 3-fingered salute
Newspaper sensationalises tragedy
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
News doesn't care about Syria any more
Or Fracking
Or Badgers
BBC viewers up in arms about insignificant trivialities
Nazis still evil
Commuter acts like prick on public transport
Supermassive blackhole might do something one day
Lightsabres make long overdue move from fiction to fact
People still smoke
Man grows new nose on forehead
Catwalk models wears outrageous clothes
Woman wears denim
Diana Watch, day 18: 'still dead'
Hero dog
Another banking bungle
Girl meets boy
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Wednesday 25 September 2013
The news in brief 25th September 2013
The news in brief:
Newspapers exploit grief
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Detectives are detecting, nothing to report
Plea bargain girls asked to prove it
Baby pandas
Diana Watch, day 17: 'still dead'
Baboons like boobs
Radio 2 listeners have no sense of humour
Woman quits job
Fish isn't good for your brain
HORSES ARE EVIL!
Seizing land might be a bit Stalin-y
US Senator ace at multitasking
Woman wears dress
Strike uneventful
Politician angry at policies he put put in place
Industry specialist suggest they know about their industry
Colleagues go out for dinner
Greenpeace clearly not pirates
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Newspapers exploit grief
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Detectives are detecting, nothing to report
Plea bargain girls asked to prove it
Baby pandas
Diana Watch, day 17: 'still dead'
Baboons like boobs
Radio 2 listeners have no sense of humour
Woman quits job
Fish isn't good for your brain
HORSES ARE EVIL!
Seizing land might be a bit Stalin-y
US Senator ace at multitasking
Woman wears dress
Strike uneventful
Politician angry at policies he put put in place
Industry specialist suggest they know about their industry
Colleagues go out for dinner
Greenpeace clearly not pirates
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tuesday 24 September 2013
The news in brief 24th September 2013
The news in brief:
British woman may or may not have been involved in attack
British woman may or may not have been killed in attack
Labour promises economic ruin for all
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Media forgets about Syria
Britain up in arms about badgers
Channel Four carries out it's remit
Mostly harmless spiders on the warpath
iOS 7 update doesn't solve user stupidity
Senior Labour figures state the obvious
Man may or may not be guilty
Diana Watch, day 16: 'still dead'
Old man dies of old age
Woman wears hat
Britain forgets about fracking
Illegally boarding another vessel at sea 'declared piracy'
Man wears tee shirt and jeans
Reading the news so you don't have...
British woman may or may not have been involved in attack
British woman may or may not have been killed in attack
Labour promises economic ruin for all
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Media forgets about Syria
Britain up in arms about badgers
Channel Four carries out it's remit
Mostly harmless spiders on the warpath
iOS 7 update doesn't solve user stupidity
Senior Labour figures state the obvious
Man may or may not be guilty
Diana Watch, day 16: 'still dead'
Old man dies of old age
Woman wears hat
Britain forgets about fracking
Illegally boarding another vessel at sea 'declared piracy'
Man wears tee shirt and jeans
Reading the news so you don't have...
Monday 23 September 2013
The news in brief 23rd September 2013
The news in brief:
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
HS2 will save us all
Woman wears skirt
Scapegoat sacrificed
Study proves what we already know
HS2 will kill us all
Free child care not free
Man goes shirtless
Media glamorises Supervillain
24 year olds 'still children'
100-year-old drivers
Giant mouse!
Thoroughly decent bloke
Woman has figure
Old person gets pacemaker
Sinister clown still at large
Veils hide faces
Couples to have sex
Man clicks favourite button by mistake
Disabled people have to wait their turn
X Factor contestants cry
Diana Watch, day 15: 'still dead.'
Big business unveils product
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
HS2 will save us all
Woman wears skirt
Scapegoat sacrificed
Study proves what we already know
HS2 will kill us all
Free child care not free
Man goes shirtless
Media glamorises Supervillain
24 year olds 'still children'
100-year-old drivers
Giant mouse!
Thoroughly decent bloke
Woman has figure
Old person gets pacemaker
Sinister clown still at large
Veils hide faces
Couples to have sex
Man clicks favourite button by mistake
Disabled people have to wait their turn
X Factor contestants cry
Diana Watch, day 15: 'still dead.'
Big business unveils product
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Sunday 22 September 2013
The news in brief 22nd September 2013
The news in brief newspaper review special:
Whatever you read on the Internet or saw on the television yesterday. That.
Wondering why people still read newspapers so you don't have to...
Whatever you read on the Internet or saw on the television yesterday. That.
Wondering why people still read newspapers so you don't have to...
Saturday 21 September 2013
The news in brief 21st September 2013
The news in brief Woman's Trash Mag special:
Woman too fat for plane
Old lady doesn't look that old
Woman's biological clock is ticking
Problem child falls for troubled man
Woman forgives monster
Fish death!
Husband's gotten fat
More imaginative uses for yoghurt pots
Hereditary disease is hereditary
Murdering psychopath executed
Hamster escapes
Child born on toilet
News pundit is reasonably sure most of this is made up
Fashions change
Bingo player wins prize
Man showers
Man rows boat
Newlyweds cut cake
Cat on a skateboard
Advertisement: pasta is good for you
Libra - Get on with it!
Scorpio - Trust yourself!
Sagittarius - Stop flirting!
Capricorn - Kiss and make up!
Aquarius - Get on with it!
Pisces - Get on with it!
Aries - Get on with it!
Taurus - Cheer up!
Gemini - Get on with it!
Cancer - Start Flirting!
Leo - Get on with it!
Virgo - Get on with it!
Wasting 68p on this shit so you don't have too....
Woman too fat for plane
Old lady doesn't look that old
Woman's biological clock is ticking
Problem child falls for troubled man
Woman forgives monster
Fish death!
Husband's gotten fat
More imaginative uses for yoghurt pots
Hereditary disease is hereditary
Murdering psychopath executed
Hamster escapes
Child born on toilet
News pundit is reasonably sure most of this is made up
Fashions change
Bingo player wins prize
Man showers
Man rows boat
Newlyweds cut cake
Cat on a skateboard
Advertisement: pasta is good for you
Libra - Get on with it!
Scorpio - Trust yourself!
Sagittarius - Stop flirting!
Capricorn - Kiss and make up!
Aquarius - Get on with it!
Pisces - Get on with it!
Aries - Get on with it!
Taurus - Cheer up!
Gemini - Get on with it!
Cancer - Start Flirting!
Leo - Get on with it!
Virgo - Get on with it!
Wasting 68p on this shit so you don't have too....
Friday 20 September 2013
The news in brief 20th September 2013
The news in brief:
UKIP MEP says something sexist
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Phone company flops
iOS 7 is Best Thing Ever!
Airline to try customer service
Won't somebody think of the children!
iOS 7 is Worst Thing Ever!
Humans demonstrate humanity
Diana Watch, Day 13: 'still dead'
Eight-year-olds unsupervised with webcams
Vigilante gets result
Clown still at large
Everyone still playing GTA: V
Man puts feet up
Gingers not 'natural'
Man rides bus
Hilarious mother is admittedly a bit criminal
SHARK vs CROCODILE!!!!!!
Grown ups riot when shops runs out of new toys
Reading the news so you don't have to...
UKIP MEP says something sexist
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Phone company flops
iOS 7 is Best Thing Ever!
Airline to try customer service
Won't somebody think of the children!
iOS 7 is Worst Thing Ever!
Humans demonstrate humanity
Diana Watch, Day 13: 'still dead'
Eight-year-olds unsupervised with webcams
Vigilante gets result
Clown still at large
Everyone still playing GTA: V
Man puts feet up
Gingers not 'natural'
Man rides bus
Hilarious mother is admittedly a bit criminal
SHARK vs CROCODILE!!!!!!
Grown ups riot when shops runs out of new toys
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Thursday 19 September 2013
The news in brief 19th September 2013
The news in brief:
Phone owners get excited over new operating system
30 hour download still not finished
An error occurred downloading iOS 7.0
Vigilantes are a Bad Thing
Bad hospitals are bad
Bad pensions are bad
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Diana Watch, day 12: 'still dead'
Musician gets music job
Celebrity baker buys cake!
Woman wears shoes
Writer sends too-young child to school for some 'me time.'
Opinion divided: 'should we see doctors and nurses faces?'
Tory councillor tells beloved celebrity to go and die
85 year old suggests it might be time to retire
Talk like a pirate day!
Reading the news so you don't have too...
Phone owners get excited over new operating system
30 hour download still not finished
An error occurred downloading iOS 7.0
Vigilantes are a Bad Thing
Bad hospitals are bad
Bad pensions are bad
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Diana Watch, day 12: 'still dead'
Musician gets music job
Celebrity baker buys cake!
Woman wears shoes
Writer sends too-young child to school for some 'me time.'
Opinion divided: 'should we see doctors and nurses faces?'
Tory councillor tells beloved celebrity to go and die
85 year old suggests it might be time to retire
Talk like a pirate day!
Reading the news so you don't have too...
Wednesday 18 September 2013
The news in brief 18th September 2013
The news in brief celebrity special:
Woman may or may not be pregnant
Man gets married
Couple goes to a funeral
New family goes outside
Bisexual woman fancied hot chicks
Man loses weight
Unrealistic shit happens in soap
Woman wears jeans
Woman wears coat
Perfectly attractive woman doesn't meet unrealistic expectations
Separated couple not wearing rings
Couple buys house
Provocative dresser dresses provocatively
Woman doesn't wear make-up
Couple drink beverages
Woman dresses for the weather
Man doesn't wear shirt
Dancer has muscles
Mother of two goes out
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Woman may or may not be pregnant
Man gets married
Couple goes to a funeral
New family goes outside
Bisexual woman fancied hot chicks
Man loses weight
Unrealistic shit happens in soap
Woman wears jeans
Woman wears coat
Perfectly attractive woman doesn't meet unrealistic expectations
Separated couple not wearing rings
Couple buys house
Provocative dresser dresses provocatively
Woman doesn't wear make-up
Couple drink beverages
Woman dresses for the weather
Man doesn't wear shirt
Dancer has muscles
Mother of two goes out
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Tuesday 17 September 2013
The news in brief 17th September 2013
The news in brief:
Outrage as reduced sticker mis-labelled
Judge suggest letting jury see defendant's face might be a Good Idea
Diana Watch, day 11: still dead
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Nation mourns, but guns still on sale in Walmart
Nation excited for murder, theft, pimping and drug running
£40 game selling for £100 on second hand market...
Free school dinners for all!
Study states the obvious
Weather turning a bit autumnal
Owls make shit page boys
Celebrity wears dress
Newspaper repeats long disproven myth
Christmas stuff starts appearing in shops
World's smartest man talks sense
Fireman to strike, but will still attend emergencies
Fracking is still a thing
Opinion split as shop keeper refuses to serve fascist
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Outrage as reduced sticker mis-labelled
Judge suggest letting jury see defendant's face might be a Good Idea
Diana Watch, day 11: still dead
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Nation mourns, but guns still on sale in Walmart
Nation excited for murder, theft, pimping and drug running
£40 game selling for £100 on second hand market...
Free school dinners for all!
Study states the obvious
Weather turning a bit autumnal
Owls make shit page boys
Celebrity wears dress
Newspaper repeats long disproven myth
Christmas stuff starts appearing in shops
World's smartest man talks sense
Fireman to strike, but will still attend emergencies
Fracking is still a thing
Opinion split as shop keeper refuses to serve fascist
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Monday 16 September 2013
The news in brief 16th September 2013
The news in brief:
Trains delayed by 'wrong kind of sun'
Salvage operation 'going to plan'
UN happy now that people are only being murdered with metal
More stories of 'Good Guys' doing 'Bad Guy' things
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Economy needs some TLC
Sausages give you hepatitis
Controversial clothing is controversial
Pastafarian allowed colander on head in driving licence photo
Mum of 17 likes having babies
Stealing is a crime
Popular children's cough syrup linked to asthma
Early literacy leads to alcoholism (yeah, you read that right!)
Great granddad meets new baby
We're gonna have some weather
Row over family wedding is apparently news
Celebrity goes shopping
Nigerian scientist 'proves' gay marriage is wrong with magnets
Clown terrorises Northampton
Fashion designer states the obvious
Professional git to run for parliament
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Trains delayed by 'wrong kind of sun'
Salvage operation 'going to plan'
UN happy now that people are only being murdered with metal
More stories of 'Good Guys' doing 'Bad Guy' things
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
Economy needs some TLC
Sausages give you hepatitis
Controversial clothing is controversial
Pastafarian allowed colander on head in driving licence photo
Mum of 17 likes having babies
Stealing is a crime
Popular children's cough syrup linked to asthma
Early literacy leads to alcoholism (yeah, you read that right!)
Great granddad meets new baby
We're gonna have some weather
Row over family wedding is apparently news
Celebrity goes shopping
Nigerian scientist 'proves' gay marriage is wrong with magnets
Clown terrorises Northampton
Fashion designer states the obvious
Professional git to run for parliament
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Sunday 15 September 2013
The news in brief 15th September 2013
The news in brief Great North Run special:
Professional athletes 'win' fun-run
Watching the news so you don't have to...
Professional athletes 'win' fun-run
Watching the news so you don't have to...
Saturday 14 September 2013
The news in brief 14th September 2013
The news in brief:
Outrage as broadcaster not psychic
Newspaper neglects to check it's facts
British Public forgets that whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing
Diana Watch, Day 8: still dead
More pictures of the Good Guys doing Bad Guy things
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
World's major powers agree it's okay so long as people keep killing each other with metal
Government initiative misses the point
Newspaper doesn't know difference between tax and levy
Man to voice bear
Man has nothing better to do
Theme park is taking the Mickey
Solicitor confirms what we've suspected all along
Student union suggests all men are rapists
Celebrity wears bikini
Christian lobbyists still against people in love getting married
Giant pumpkin!
Reading the news so you don't have to...
Outrage as broadcaster not psychic
Newspaper neglects to check it's facts
British Public forgets that whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing
Diana Watch, Day 8: still dead
More pictures of the Good Guys doing Bad Guy things
Religion's bodycount continues to mount
World's major powers agree it's okay so long as people keep killing each other with metal
Government initiative misses the point
Newspaper doesn't know difference between tax and levy
Man to voice bear
Man has nothing better to do
Theme park is taking the Mickey
Solicitor confirms what we've suspected all along
Student union suggests all men are rapists
Celebrity wears bikini
Christian lobbyists still against people in love getting married
Giant pumpkin!
Reading the news so you don't have to...
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